Sufferer Intro of me - CPTSD, 34, struggle with day-to-day

I have chronic post traumatic stress disorder and was diganosised in 2013 by a psychologist I was working with. I started seeing this Dr because where I was working at the time started surfacing some memories and awareness of what I have been through in my past has been significantly impactful.

As more started to surface within 6 months of starting therapy with this Dr I was hospitalized inpatient for inability to control symptoms and suicidal ideation.

All the dots starting connecting from my past . I have a significant fear of men, have had several panic attacks, triggers and issues in life that I didn't realize what they were until 2013. I was hiding everything . Hiding, pushing and repressing all the emotions and memories just to survive. I have so much to learn still and I'm so tired.

I feel like I can never catch a breath. And it's my own doing . I'm stuck in a cycle and it's I've been attempting to dig in my heels to break it.
When I was 33 I had already moved 26 times in my life.

I have had extremely amazing experiences in my life and have been so grateful to be about to accomplish, see my growth from my adventures. I have accomplished a master's degree, undergraduate degree, highschool completion. Been to 42 out of 50 states. Been backpacking, horse packing, did a.bike tour. I have seen so much. I have witnessed many things. I have.been blessed to be able to see and do all of that.

But things feel unsettled. I have established a home and safe place for me to live. It's peaceful. I wish I could just get thru the day to day without issues or problems with my PTSD.

I will tear apart or uproot anything or everything to have control and maintain survival. My brain gets thrown off.or stuck.


Then I get extremely depressed and don't want to exist. Everything is exhausting.
I am a survivor I am a problem solver and independent.

I cry and cry over my own loneliness yet I dare not risk letting anyone in. Noone deserves to see my cycles , deal with my anxiety or need to deal with my triggers or risk being hurt again.

I am used to dealing with things alone. I can be independent. I don't need anyone in my life and if someone is in my life it's because I want them to be there or they earned the place to be there .

The problem is I don't talk to anyone about my PTSD and I know that it would be helpful to. I am a listener I am a healer yet I won't listen or heal myself as much.

That has to change or else I will never make it. My body is already shutting down and I'm 34. Chronic pain, fatigue, migraines, sleep issues , nightmares, restless legs , chest pain and pressure.

I deserve to treat myself better and it's hard to convince myself if that.
I'm hoping that someone or anyone can take a second or two to provide thoughts, support or tricks of what works for them to navigate their day to day PTSD.

I would appreciate and value it . Take care and message me about anything.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Sideways

Moderator
Welcome to the forum. I can relate to a lot of what you've written. There's a lot of healing can be done without talking about our trauma, or focusing on it specifically. For me, a lot of my recovery journey has been about rebuilding basic skills - getting back into a rhythm of doing essential stuff, like good sleep routines, healthy meals 3 times a day, daily exercise, becoming sociable with people who were in my life (without trying to develop deep friendships - walk before you run approach).

There's a lot of experience here with people working through all sorts of symptoms, and the different ways they go about it. Hope you find something that resonates with you.
 

ninecatlives

New Here
I have chronic post traumatic stress disorder and was diganosised in 2013 by a psychologist I was working with. I started seeing this Dr because where I was working at the time started surfacing some memories and awareness of what I have been through in my past has been significantly impactful.

As more started to surface within 6 months of starting therapy with this Dr I was hospitalized inpatient for inability to control symptoms and suicidal ideation.

All the dots starting connecting from my past . I have a significant fear of men, have had several panic attacks, triggers and issues in life that I didn't realize what they were until 2013. I was hiding everything . Hiding, pushing and repressing all the emotions and memories just to survive. I have so much to learn still and I'm so tired.

I feel like I can never catch a breath. And it's my own doing . I'm stuck in a cycle and it's I've been attempting to dig in my heels to break it.
When I was 33 I had already moved 26 times in my life.

I have had extremely amazing experiences in my life and have been so grateful to be about to accomplish, see my growth from my adventures. I have accomplished a master's degree, undergraduate degree, highschool completion. Been to 42 out of 50 states. Been backpacking, horse packing, did a.bike tour. I have seen so much. I have witnessed many things. I have.been blessed to be able to see and do all of that.

But things feel unsettled. I have established a home and safe place for me to live. It's peaceful. I wish I could just get thru the day to day without issues or problems with my PTSD.

I will tear apart or uproot anything or everything to have control and maintain survival. My brain gets thrown off.or stuck.


Then I get extremely depressed and don't want to exist. Everything is exhausting.
I am a survivor I am a problem solver and independent.

I cry and cry over my own loneliness yet I dare not risk letting anyone in. Noone deserves to see my cycles , deal with my anxiety or need to deal with my triggers or risk being hurt again.

I am used to dealing with things alone. I can be independent. I don't need anyone in my life and if someone is in my life it's because I want them to be there or they earned the place to be there .

The problem is I don't talk to anyone about my PTSD and I know that it would be helpful to. I am a listener I am a healer yet I won't listen or heal myself as much.

That has to change or else I will never make it. My body is already shutting down and I'm 34. Chronic pain, fatigue, migraines, sleep issues , nightmares, restless legs , chest pain and pressure.

I deserve to treat myself better and it's hard to convince myself if that.
I'm hoping that someone or anyone can take a second or two to provide thoughts, support or tricks of what works for them to navigate their day to day PTSD.

I would appreciate and value it . Take care and message me about anything.
Exercise and eating healthy are the two easiest things to implement for us who dread human contact. Then sleep hygiene. When things are getting better you can think of improving your human contact network and skills.
 
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