cleardawn66
New Here
Hello my name is Clara, and I believe I have PTSD. I remember various things from my childhood that are well, disturbing. It is like I knew about them for a long time but I never made the emotional connection to what happened to me. One thing that has helped me out a lot was truly realizing that none of it was my fault. I didn't "do" anything to make these things happen to me. The fault is in the person who perpetrated these disturbing things. I hope I am making sense. However, I have been subtly told not to trust my instincts,that it is my imagination, that I have a mental illness (which I do) bipolar but that does not cause my memories. So surprise you and me were "right" the whole time. Now that I know these things happened the feelings are coming up again. I am just letting them happen. Right now I am in a safe place. But, sometimes the process is excruciatingly painful(mentally) because all you want to do is block everything out but it comes out one way or another. I have had suicidal feelings for an awfully long time. I think those feelings have become part of my psyche. I really do not believe they are caused by my bipolar depression. I am sure it is aggrivating factor in it.
I also think I have a form of ADHD the inattention type its called which aggravates everything else. My mind does feel freer now that I got it all out of my system and my significant other truly on all levels understands all the pain I feel, and why I did some of the things I did. So I hopefully am on my way to healing. I know I need help with my"suicidal tendencies." Honestly, sometimes I just don't see another way out. I don't want to botch it up so I am not going to make anymore attempts. I am relatively optimistic because for the first time in my life I finally have back up in this battle. I hope that your journey is with as little pain as possible and that you can free your mind and finally deal with what happened head on. It is really hard and I really don't know if the Pain is worth it. But, I am stronger for it. I guess time will tell.
good luck everybody,
clara
I also think I have a form of ADHD the inattention type its called which aggravates everything else. My mind does feel freer now that I got it all out of my system and my significant other truly on all levels understands all the pain I feel, and why I did some of the things I did. So I hopefully am on my way to healing. I know I need help with my"suicidal tendencies." Honestly, sometimes I just don't see another way out. I don't want to botch it up so I am not going to make anymore attempts. I am relatively optimistic because for the first time in my life I finally have back up in this battle. I hope that your journey is with as little pain as possible and that you can free your mind and finally deal with what happened head on. It is really hard and I really don't know if the Pain is worth it. But, I am stronger for it. I guess time will tell.
good luck everybody,
clara