FiveFingerBethPunch
New Here
Hello!
I guess I am here because I don't know anyone who has had PTSD or CPTSD for that matter, I'm very new to the idea of it, and I feel like my experiences are different than many others who have suffered. I want to reach out and share my story in hopes that others can relate because I feel like no one really understands. I also feel like it probably helps to see others in the same boat if anyone out there is. I've never posted on a forum before so bare with me please if I'm doing it wrong (if anyone even reads this). Plus I'm fairly scatter brained so who knows if it will make sense.
I don't really know where to begin or how to explain. I was recently diagnosed by my new therapist of having chronic complex post traumatic stress disorder. When I read the symptoms and completely related I was surprised because for awhile I have been having these issues and when talking to family and friends they always told me they thought it was just some various issues that most people deal with and that were simply the result of hectic college life and that I would need to learn to deal with. I am 21 and I'm going into my senior year of college and am just now coming to terms with the fact that I was pretty traumatized while growing up. I finally sought help this May when my sister attempted suicide because she couldn't bear living with my father any longer. Thank goodness she didn't succeed but I began having flashbacks to my own childhood and panic attacks. This was a week before finals week and caused my studying to be put off later than it should have been. *I always have to study for a lot longer than most people because I have a lot of trouble focusing and I begin to have extreme anxiety when studying. In college I have worked very hard to maintain my grades and basically it doesn't really pay off. Often times I will study for a lot longer than my peers and end up with a C instead of an A like them.*
Anyway, when my sister attempted suicide and I had to study I basically couldn't handle it at all. I took some adderall because I knew I was going to have issues but even this didn't really help me focus and if I studied for very long I would have a panic attack and this happened every day several times but I had to keep trying because I really didn't want to fail my classes. After the panic attacks I finally decided to go see a behavioral therapist and see what was up and address the flashbacks I was having.
Luckily I passed my classes (though some were C's). Under normal circumstances I most likely would have failed, but in January this year I learned I had Celiac disease and my schoolwork has gotten a lot better after taking gluten out of my diet. *Celiac basically just enhanced my ptsd symptoms and made me really irritable, have a lot of headaches and be constantly exhausted and in pain so that made me real fun to be around. not.* But yeah, I passed my classes so I guess it's all good, though my GPA is still kinda shit and I'm constantly getting berated by advisors and teachers to study more and get my grades up so i can get a job and what not.
Back to my sister and my childhood; while growing up my father constantly told us that we were very lucky children and he made me believe that we had a nice little happy perfect christian family with two parents and that i was a spoiled brat. So this is basically what I believed throughout my life until recently with my sister's suicide attempt and talking to the therapist about how my childhood was actually not all rainbows and smiles like I was made to believe.
I know I sound pretty naive probably but I guess when you are told something enough times it can become a reality for you, whether you truly believe it or not.
In actuality, my father made me live in constant fear throughout my childhood which has complicated my college life significantly and given me post traumatic stress syndrome.
Nothing I did was ever enough or ever right. He would yell at me basically every day and make me feel utterly worthless. I was grounded throughout most of high school which made it hard to make friends. I believed that this grounding was my fault and I hated myself and hated that I was so much worse than everyone else who I saw having fun with friends. Because I was so isolated I have a lot of difficulty making friends now. I don't know how to behave in some social situations simply because I haven't learned how to yet. In high school I was very depressed and because at home I was told that everything I said was wrong, I doubted myself to the point where I would barely even speak in school. Some people came over to my house on occasion, of course my father was on best behavior and they believed that I had a nice perfect little family and our decently big house labeled me a spoiled brat as well, so this is again what I believed. No one knew that my father was constantly berating my mother sister and I, kicking and hitting us. He was also very unpredictable. Sometimes I would be walking on egg shells trying my best to make him happy, to finally gain his approval that I had sought for so long, and out of the blue he would snap at me for literally no reason at all and I would be grounded again for a reason that made absolutely no sense. So there was no peace at my home because there was always yelling, everything was always my fault and I thought that this was normal and how things were. One time I remember my father started kicking me and when he learned that I had told one of my very few friends about it he punched me in the face, i fell backward and hit my head against a wall and he said "f*ck you. f*ck you squared. don't lie" he took my phone and grounded me (this is paraphrased, because i have blocked a lot of bad memories very efficiently and am just now starting to recall them) And I felt horrible for lying like that when I shouldn't have, but here is the thing that I have finally learned, I wasn't lying. That is one example of many many occurrences that happened. Also my father would always bring religion into the mix and make me believe that I was less because I was a woman, he was the ruler of the house, any money i made at a job was his, i had none of my own thoughts or possessions. He also made me think that God hated me (I have since basically lost faith in religion, but still.. it f*cked me up to think this when I was little).
My mother was there throughout my time at home but was very distant, I believe trapped in her own world of pain that she believed we couldn't escape from. She worked a lot and wasn't home much and couldn't protect us from my father because she was scared of what he would do if she did. She always said that things would get better. But after 18 years of living in that house they never did and she never did anything to help it.
Since recently coming to terms with the fact that my childhood wasn't merely a perfect happy christian one, I have still felt like I don't deserve to wear the label of complex chronic PTSD. I feel such pain for those that I know have much more troubled pasts than my own and have suffered PTSD for very different reasons. I feel guilty even being able to post in this forum because I don't think I have suffered enough, but at the same time I feel like I have.
But I just want anyone to know who has a similar story to my own or who doesn't that I feel your pain at least in some ways and I know what it's like to feel hopeless but we don't have to be hopeless anymore. Thanks for reading!
I guess I am here because I don't know anyone who has had PTSD or CPTSD for that matter, I'm very new to the idea of it, and I feel like my experiences are different than many others who have suffered. I want to reach out and share my story in hopes that others can relate because I feel like no one really understands. I also feel like it probably helps to see others in the same boat if anyone out there is. I've never posted on a forum before so bare with me please if I'm doing it wrong (if anyone even reads this). Plus I'm fairly scatter brained so who knows if it will make sense.
I don't really know where to begin or how to explain. I was recently diagnosed by my new therapist of having chronic complex post traumatic stress disorder. When I read the symptoms and completely related I was surprised because for awhile I have been having these issues and when talking to family and friends they always told me they thought it was just some various issues that most people deal with and that were simply the result of hectic college life and that I would need to learn to deal with. I am 21 and I'm going into my senior year of college and am just now coming to terms with the fact that I was pretty traumatized while growing up. I finally sought help this May when my sister attempted suicide because she couldn't bear living with my father any longer. Thank goodness she didn't succeed but I began having flashbacks to my own childhood and panic attacks. This was a week before finals week and caused my studying to be put off later than it should have been. *I always have to study for a lot longer than most people because I have a lot of trouble focusing and I begin to have extreme anxiety when studying. In college I have worked very hard to maintain my grades and basically it doesn't really pay off. Often times I will study for a lot longer than my peers and end up with a C instead of an A like them.*
Anyway, when my sister attempted suicide and I had to study I basically couldn't handle it at all. I took some adderall because I knew I was going to have issues but even this didn't really help me focus and if I studied for very long I would have a panic attack and this happened every day several times but I had to keep trying because I really didn't want to fail my classes. After the panic attacks I finally decided to go see a behavioral therapist and see what was up and address the flashbacks I was having.
Luckily I passed my classes (though some were C's). Under normal circumstances I most likely would have failed, but in January this year I learned I had Celiac disease and my schoolwork has gotten a lot better after taking gluten out of my diet. *Celiac basically just enhanced my ptsd symptoms and made me really irritable, have a lot of headaches and be constantly exhausted and in pain so that made me real fun to be around. not.* But yeah, I passed my classes so I guess it's all good, though my GPA is still kinda shit and I'm constantly getting berated by advisors and teachers to study more and get my grades up so i can get a job and what not.
Back to my sister and my childhood; while growing up my father constantly told us that we were very lucky children and he made me believe that we had a nice little happy perfect christian family with two parents and that i was a spoiled brat. So this is basically what I believed throughout my life until recently with my sister's suicide attempt and talking to the therapist about how my childhood was actually not all rainbows and smiles like I was made to believe.
I know I sound pretty naive probably but I guess when you are told something enough times it can become a reality for you, whether you truly believe it or not.
In actuality, my father made me live in constant fear throughout my childhood which has complicated my college life significantly and given me post traumatic stress syndrome.
Nothing I did was ever enough or ever right. He would yell at me basically every day and make me feel utterly worthless. I was grounded throughout most of high school which made it hard to make friends. I believed that this grounding was my fault and I hated myself and hated that I was so much worse than everyone else who I saw having fun with friends. Because I was so isolated I have a lot of difficulty making friends now. I don't know how to behave in some social situations simply because I haven't learned how to yet. In high school I was very depressed and because at home I was told that everything I said was wrong, I doubted myself to the point where I would barely even speak in school. Some people came over to my house on occasion, of course my father was on best behavior and they believed that I had a nice perfect little family and our decently big house labeled me a spoiled brat as well, so this is again what I believed. No one knew that my father was constantly berating my mother sister and I, kicking and hitting us. He was also very unpredictable. Sometimes I would be walking on egg shells trying my best to make him happy, to finally gain his approval that I had sought for so long, and out of the blue he would snap at me for literally no reason at all and I would be grounded again for a reason that made absolutely no sense. So there was no peace at my home because there was always yelling, everything was always my fault and I thought that this was normal and how things were. One time I remember my father started kicking me and when he learned that I had told one of my very few friends about it he punched me in the face, i fell backward and hit my head against a wall and he said "f*ck you. f*ck you squared. don't lie" he took my phone and grounded me (this is paraphrased, because i have blocked a lot of bad memories very efficiently and am just now starting to recall them) And I felt horrible for lying like that when I shouldn't have, but here is the thing that I have finally learned, I wasn't lying. That is one example of many many occurrences that happened. Also my father would always bring religion into the mix and make me believe that I was less because I was a woman, he was the ruler of the house, any money i made at a job was his, i had none of my own thoughts or possessions. He also made me think that God hated me (I have since basically lost faith in religion, but still.. it f*cked me up to think this when I was little).
My mother was there throughout my time at home but was very distant, I believe trapped in her own world of pain that she believed we couldn't escape from. She worked a lot and wasn't home much and couldn't protect us from my father because she was scared of what he would do if she did. She always said that things would get better. But after 18 years of living in that house they never did and she never did anything to help it.
Since recently coming to terms with the fact that my childhood wasn't merely a perfect happy christian one, I have still felt like I don't deserve to wear the label of complex chronic PTSD. I feel such pain for those that I know have much more troubled pasts than my own and have suffered PTSD for very different reasons. I feel guilty even being able to post in this forum because I don't think I have suffered enough, but at the same time I feel like I have.
But I just want anyone to know who has a similar story to my own or who doesn't that I feel your pain at least in some ways and I know what it's like to feel hopeless but we don't have to be hopeless anymore. Thanks for reading!