• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Sufferer Introduction: recently diagnosed chronic cptsd

Status
Not open for further replies.
Hello!

I guess I am here because I don't know anyone who has had PTSD or CPTSD for that matter, I'm very new to the idea of it, and I feel like my experiences are different than many others who have suffered. I want to reach out and share my story in hopes that others can relate because I feel like no one really understands. I also feel like it probably helps to see others in the same boat if anyone out there is. I've never posted on a forum before so bare with me please if I'm doing it wrong (if anyone even reads this). Plus I'm fairly scatter brained so who knows if it will make sense.
I don't really know where to begin or how to explain. I was recently diagnosed by my new therapist of having chronic complex post traumatic stress disorder. When I read the symptoms and completely related I was surprised because for awhile I have been having these issues and when talking to family and friends they always told me they thought it was just some various issues that most people deal with and that were simply the result of hectic college life and that I would need to learn to deal with. I am 21 and I'm going into my senior year of college and am just now coming to terms with the fact that I was pretty traumatized while growing up. I finally sought help this May when my sister attempted suicide because she couldn't bear living with my father any longer. Thank goodness she didn't succeed but I began having flashbacks to my own childhood and panic attacks. This was a week before finals week and caused my studying to be put off later than it should have been. *I always have to study for a lot longer than most people because I have a lot of trouble focusing and I begin to have extreme anxiety when studying. In college I have worked very hard to maintain my grades and basically it doesn't really pay off. Often times I will study for a lot longer than my peers and end up with a C instead of an A like them.*
Anyway, when my sister attempted suicide and I had to study I basically couldn't handle it at all. I took some adderall because I knew I was going to have issues but even this didn't really help me focus and if I studied for very long I would have a panic attack and this happened every day several times but I had to keep trying because I really didn't want to fail my classes. After the panic attacks I finally decided to go see a behavioral therapist and see what was up and address the flashbacks I was having.
Luckily I passed my classes (though some were C's). Under normal circumstances I most likely would have failed, but in January this year I learned I had Celiac disease and my schoolwork has gotten a lot better after taking gluten out of my diet. *Celiac basically just enhanced my ptsd symptoms and made me really irritable, have a lot of headaches and be constantly exhausted and in pain so that made me real fun to be around. not.* But yeah, I passed my classes so I guess it's all good, though my GPA is still kinda shit and I'm constantly getting berated by advisors and teachers to study more and get my grades up so i can get a job and what not.
Back to my sister and my childhood; while growing up my father constantly told us that we were very lucky children and he made me believe that we had a nice little happy perfect christian family with two parents and that i was a spoiled brat. So this is basically what I believed throughout my life until recently with my sister's suicide attempt and talking to the therapist about how my childhood was actually not all rainbows and smiles like I was made to believe.
I know I sound pretty naive probably but I guess when you are told something enough times it can become a reality for you, whether you truly believe it or not.
In actuality, my father made me live in constant fear throughout my childhood which has complicated my college life significantly and given me post traumatic stress syndrome.
Nothing I did was ever enough or ever right. He would yell at me basically every day and make me feel utterly worthless. I was grounded throughout most of high school which made it hard to make friends. I believed that this grounding was my fault and I hated myself and hated that I was so much worse than everyone else who I saw having fun with friends. Because I was so isolated I have a lot of difficulty making friends now. I don't know how to behave in some social situations simply because I haven't learned how to yet. In high school I was very depressed and because at home I was told that everything I said was wrong, I doubted myself to the point where I would barely even speak in school. Some people came over to my house on occasion, of course my father was on best behavior and they believed that I had a nice perfect little family and our decently big house labeled me a spoiled brat as well, so this is again what I believed. No one knew that my father was constantly berating my mother sister and I, kicking and hitting us. He was also very unpredictable. Sometimes I would be walking on egg shells trying my best to make him happy, to finally gain his approval that I had sought for so long, and out of the blue he would snap at me for literally no reason at all and I would be grounded again for a reason that made absolutely no sense. So there was no peace at my home because there was always yelling, everything was always my fault and I thought that this was normal and how things were. One time I remember my father started kicking me and when he learned that I had told one of my very few friends about it he punched me in the face, i fell backward and hit my head against a wall and he said "f*ck you. f*ck you squared. don't lie" he took my phone and grounded me (this is paraphrased, because i have blocked a lot of bad memories very efficiently and am just now starting to recall them) And I felt horrible for lying like that when I shouldn't have, but here is the thing that I have finally learned, I wasn't lying. That is one example of many many occurrences that happened. Also my father would always bring religion into the mix and make me believe that I was less because I was a woman, he was the ruler of the house, any money i made at a job was his, i had none of my own thoughts or possessions. He also made me think that God hated me (I have since basically lost faith in religion, but still.. it f*cked me up to think this when I was little).
My mother was there throughout my time at home but was very distant, I believe trapped in her own world of pain that she believed we couldn't escape from. She worked a lot and wasn't home much and couldn't protect us from my father because she was scared of what he would do if she did. She always said that things would get better. But after 18 years of living in that house they never did and she never did anything to help it.
Since recently coming to terms with the fact that my childhood wasn't merely a perfect happy christian one, I have still felt like I don't deserve to wear the label of complex chronic PTSD. I feel such pain for those that I know have much more troubled pasts than my own and have suffered PTSD for very different reasons. I feel guilty even being able to post in this forum because I don't think I have suffered enough, but at the same time I feel like I have.
But I just want anyone to know who has a similar story to my own or who doesn't that I feel your pain at least in some ways and I know what it's like to feel hopeless but we don't have to be hopeless anymore. Thanks for reading!
 
I read the whole thing, and you're so amazing and brave for posting here and opening up to what's happened to you! I think you're wonderful. And you have cPTSD. There have been horrible events in the past that have hurt you. And they still hurt you. One thing I'm going to tell you is that you don't 'deserve' the label of having ptsd. There isn't some amount of suffering, a threshold of misery and pain you have to reach before you can be a part of the community here. I remember my therapist telling me that there are people out there that have seen their entire family killed right in front of their own eyes, and still others have it worse. There are always worse things, but that doesn't mean what's happened to you isn't enough. It is! It's has hurt you, and it would hurt anyone else as well. Reading your story and what's happened to you hurt just to read. It was horrible, and I can tell, just by your words. What I've gone through may not hurt most people, but it's hurt me. So much. And thats enough. We don't need more pain, more fear, more tears- this is intense enough. It doesn't mean we couldn't handle more, or that we didn't prove ourselves worthy enough by shouldering even more of a burden. Everything that has happened to you has caused you enough hurt. You *do* belong here.

Also on a different topic... I'm sorry! Your dad seems like he had so many problems of his own. You were kicked, you were punched, you were verbally abused, made to feel small just for being born female. Your mom was distant and not very close, your dad was abusive and controlling. The atmosphere of your house was just fear. It seems horrible. There are people here for less and others here for more. It doesn't matter. What matters is you came because you needed help. So welcome!

There is fear and anger inside you and you need to let that out. And sometimes you need to get mad. Really really mad. or angry. or sad. Or cry a lot. Or dance, or sing or write a poem, or learn piano and make music. Or bash a pillow until your arms are sore (really, it helps). Just to give this bottled up fear expression, a way to let yourself free. Talking with your therapist is one of the best ways :) Posting here is great also! We're always here for you okay? I'm so glad you're letting your past which has been inside you out! It will help, I promise.

I'm sure there were *very happy* moments and memories in your childhood. Not everything has to be bad, there were joyful moments. You can cherish those and work through the less amazing ones. Also the last thing is, your sister. I hope she's okay! She tried to commit suicide :( I don't know why but whenever someone say that about anyone i want to reach out and hug them. I hope you and your sister are close. I think it would help if you had her to talk to about whats happened. She seems to be really affected by it all, and you as well. You need each other, and I hope you two, if you don't already, talk and share about what's happened. Maybe even together with you therapist. Please take caer of each other, and remember to post here whenever you want to :)
 
Also, it might make you feel less alone, but I was kicked and punched and hit by my own dad. He's still *my* dad, and I do think there are lots of good qualities to him. But for a certain period of time thats really all the memories I have of him. I wish people didn't hurt others, especially like that. And I know there are so, so many people here with stories like your own, so you're not alone. And what you said about not feeling hopeless anymore ! I like that :)
 
I guess I am here because I don't know anyone who has had PTSD or CPTSD for that matter, I'm very new to the idea of it, and I feel like my experiences are different than many others who have suffered. I want to reach out and share my story in hopes that others can relate because I feel like no one really understands.

So glad you found forum here and now you can never again say that you are alone with ptsd and that you don't know anyone with it, for you have landed in one of the greatest places on earth to learn, educate, and prepare yourself to go ahead and deal with and try and learn to live with ptsd for their are effective coping skills, therapy modalities, and great members here to help guide you through living with the landlines and perils of being diagnosed with this cruel and forever giving illness. Welcome! So glad you made it!

correction: line 3: ...there are...
correction: line 3: ...the landmines... Oops!
 
Last edited by a moderator:
I understand how you feel. I was also deliberately isolated by my mom, constantly punished and grounded for things that made no sense to me and could be completely contradictory from day to day, and told how snotty and ungrateful and impatient and argumentative I was all the time. And this is when I was like six years old! It made no sense to me and at that age, nobody is equipped to understand the truth from the lies, so we internalize it.

I believed that this grounding was my fault and I hated myself and hated that I was so much worse than everyone else who I saw having fun with friends. Because I was so isolated I have a lot of difficulty making friends now. I don't know how to behave in some social situations simply because I haven't learned how to yet. In high school I was very depressed and because at home I was told that everything I said was wrong, I doubted myself to the point where I would barely even speak in school. Some people came over to my house on occasion, of course my father was on best behavior and they believed that I had a nice perfect little family and our decently big house labeled me a spoiled brat as well, so this is again what I believed

Yup. Exactly. Everything was my fault, and I was reminded of this especially when people didn't respond well to me. I remember once in fifth grade being sad because I wasn't invited to a birthday party for a girl at school who lived on my block. I could see other kids getting dropped off there from my living room window, playing in the yard and having fun together, and my mom just clucking at me that if I wanted to get invited places maybe I needed to learn to be more likable. She was also a teacher in my school district and THEN an administrator at my junior high while I went there, which was horrifying. People either thought I was crazy because she was so nice to them as their teacher, or they didn't want to be friends with me because she was the one who suspended them or something. I've learned to push through some of the social awkwardness but I still feel like I'll never quite understand how other people can slip into this rhythm of comfort and ease together.

Like other people have said, so many people with forms of PTSD feel we somehow don't "deserve" the label or like our feelings are self-indulgent somehow. It's usually because we know or have read about someone who had it "worse," and that what we went through is nothing compared to them. Try to resist that feeling! What happened to YOU happened to you, and it hurt you, and you deserve the time and space and understanding to deal with it. A PTSD or cPTSD diagnosis gives us some valuable tools in that effort, for me it's especially helpful to have this language to describe how I feel and how it's affected me. If you're on this forum long enough, you'll run across many, many people who went through things that are unimaginably "worse" than what you think you went through, and they'll all be the first to tell you that it's not a contest and that all your feelings matter just as much as anyone else's.

You're doing the right thing by seeing a therapist! Things CAN get better, and recognizing there's a problem and that its source is NOT you is an important step.
 
I read the whole thing, and you're so amazing and brave for posting here and opening up to what's happen...
Thank you so much for reading my whole post and for taking the time to comment too! You are such a kind and encouraging person and I really appreciate your words, they are very wise. And thank you for the point about the fact that not everything was bad, you're right, there's definitely good that can be found, I just have to try harder to focus on that. I hope that you are doing great on your journey to peace and finding happiness along the way. Thank you so much again :)
 
I understand how you feel. I was also deliberately isolated by my mom, constantly punished and grounde...
Thank you so much for telling me some of your story. It really helps to know that other people can understand me and have been through similar situations. Although, I am so sorry that you had to go through that. Your mom sounds a lot like how my dad was and it would be so difficult to get anyone to believe you if your mom was always interacting differently with the kids at school. :( thank you for taking the time to comment and for your encouraging, helpful words! It's awesome to have found this community as a resource.
 
Wow, I thought I was the only one thinking I don't deserve the diagnosis. I often think, "well, my parents just tried to kill each other, not me. And then again, I never TRULY believed they would succeed, so its not that traumatic."

I've come to realize that this is just avoidance. These things DID happen to us, they WERE bad, they WERE wrong, they hurt us deeply, and the symptoms we experience are a result of it. What a hellish thing to have to admit to yourself though. I wish you all the best in this realization and in your treatment/recovery. You are not alone in this.
 
I am continuing to learn and realize that what happened to me from a child and all the way up into adulthood (sexual, physical, and emotional extreme trauma/abuse) has caused me developmental delays across a broad spectrum including but not limited to cognitive, language, motor, and socialization skills, etc. As a chronically over decades traumatized very young child, then through puberty, on into adolescence, and then on into an adulthood person, I have so much rage:banghead: and such a residual range and cruel destructive effects from my extreme childhood trauma, that I'm only now dealing with because I was so misdiagnosed with bipolar for a very long time (never had bipolar). And I'm only now beginning to learn how this pervasive, long-term betrayal of trust by every freaking "adult" caregiver has and continues to so extremely and adversely affect me now further into adulthood on every developmental level!

I'm so glad you made it here, for through members, intensive ongoing therapy, etc. I'm learning how to try and cope, and live with cptsd. (((Hugs!))) if you accept.
 
Thank you so much for reading my whole post and for taking the time to comment too! You are such a kind and e...

You are so so so so welcome! You can post here whenever you would like to and there will only ever be open arms to welcome you. I think this is an amazing place for working through pain. Take care of your sister and take care of yourself :)

Also, if you would like to try something (it's like a meditation-type thing) that you can put on right before you sleep that can really, really help you calm negative thoughts.
When you're ready you can try it, it's something that's helped me so much.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top