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Discussion in 'Death' started by adirondacker, Oct 7, 2017.

  1. adirondacker

    adirondacker New Member

    Hi Folks,

    I chose this thread to visit first since my trauma revolves around death. I was a homicide investigator for years and worked close to 100 murders and investigated scores and scores of suicides and deaths from unknown causes/accidentals.

    I also worked in child abuse (sexual/physical) for years and have 1000's of those cases under my belt.

    I have had people kill themselves and others in front of me as well as had several friends murdered and then had to investigate their murders/suicides. My close family has had several suicides in our inner circles because of long-term combat exposure and other reasons. Cousins mostly and a few close friends. Thank God, none of my brothers and hopefully never them. I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about it before just to get out of my head, but I always "can't," because I fear the hurt I'd inflict on those around me.

    I have been out of the "business," for about 10 years now and finally have some perspective, although I am still affected by emotional detachment, hyper-vigilance, a "thing," about loud noises and relationship problems with my long suffering wife of 29 years. God she is an angel for what she's endured.

    My oldest son is in the family business and my youngest just went off to the Navy to be a police officer/force protection there. My dad and uncles were all in LE or military. Me and all my brothers have been either Army or Navy and my older and younger saw combat, especially the younger. The older was shot in Iraq and out of the fight rather quickly. I saw no battlefield combat in the Army. Thank God for that.

    I never quite feel "right," although I have tried to compartmentalize all the sights, sounds, smells, etc. from my homicide/child abuse days away into a small corner in my mind. I try not to go there. Small things trigger my thoughts and aggression in me.

    I finally got treatment about three years ago after, basically, a meltdown and inability to function normally.

    As an officer I was never allowed to acknowledge what I saw, did, and the ghastly horrors of some cartel-related violence that made its' way over the border (I live a stone's throw from Mexico, literally).

    This is the first time I write on a blog like this. I suspect that there are not too many here that can relate. Perhaps there is though. I've liked some of the things I found here. I adore you military combat veterans. The Army is especially important to me since that's where I served and where my brother was shot. My younger sibling spent 28 years in the Navy and was an E-9. He spent six tours in combat zones and was a Riverine for the last two. He disclosed to me that he wanted to be killed in combat so he kept volunteering to go back.

    He's retired now and we talk each other "down," when we get wound-up about things.

    Any insights or observations from you all?
    mumstheword, zebbidee, dulcia and 2 others like this.
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  3. Friday

    Friday Raise Hell Moderator

    Welcome aboard, man.
    Combat Marine, PC/NGO/DisasterResponse here... Turned stay at home parent... Turned IDFK what I am anymore these days. Yeah. Compartmentalizing works... Until it doesn't. :banghead: And then it's just a clusterf*ck of past/present colliding and misreading situations, and grabbing from the wrong box, and just general badness. Not being able to trust my own judgement, or to be able to rely on my instincts? Instincts I trained up and relied on infallibly? Having to go through each situation manually and assess & dismiss? And still either question myself or see where I f*cked shit up? :mad: :banghead: It's infuriating, exhausting, demoralizing, more painful than it has any right to be... And fixable.

    Start here The PTSD Cup Explanation

    It's just a start, but it's immediately useful & the best tool I have in my belt, bar none. Which is saying something, because there are a helluva lot of tips, tricks, and plain old fashioned hard work to follow that really sort shit out.
    dulcia likes this.
  4. zebbidee

    zebbidee Active Member

    hey @adirondacker, welcome, thanks for sharing your story and I'm happy to hear that you were able to access treatment. how did that go for you?

    you mentioned that you felt that you might not find anyone who can relate, but I can to an extent. firstly, props to you for working homicide and child abuse cases, I know quite a few homicide detectives and have nothing but respect for their dedication and compassion. while i'm not a police officer, I work crime scenes and I also do identification work at the mortuary, so I have also been exposed to homicide scenes and countless homicide victims, as well as the scores of suicides and deaths from unknown causes/accidents that you mention. my work has also exposed me to images of child abuse. the weird thing for me is that none of that actually caused my ptsd. mine was caused from witnessing a murder, totally unrelated to my work, but of course, now has made my work extremely confronting for me to do. After 10 months of therapy I feel like I'm on the right track to get back to my full duties in the not too distant future, hopefully. I'm so sorry you have had such tragedy so close to you but happy to hear you have the support of your angel wife. sorry this reply has taken so long since you posted.
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