Undiagnosed Introductions are difficult

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Aprilshowers

MyPTSD Pro
Recovery...I will always be recovering. That's okay. Life is a journey...often an adventure, but never ever dull. I grew up in the suburbs of a large city in a big, beautiful house. As the youngest of 8 children, in our abusive dysfunctional family I not only received all kinds of parental abuse, but was also abused by my older siblings. I survived many decades of my life through the wonderful gift of repression. I was aware, of course, that my family was different, I was unhappy, and we all immensely disliked each other, but I was blessed with good friends as an escape and that veil of repression kept me from dwelling too much on all the ugliness.

Along with all the different forms of abuse, the parenting style of my father and mother was the "You Need to Be Perfect" but ""You're Worthless and Will Never Measure Up to Our Expectations" method. As the youngest, I was told frequently the family would have been better off if I'd never been born, nobody wanted an 8th child, and I was worthless garbage. A constant refrain was that I was fat, dumb, and ugly. I've since realized I was the most intelligent, was never overweight, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Unhealthy competition was used to foster hate and rivalry among us kids - grades, weight, appearance, who had the most pimples, everything counted. After we were grown we were judged by our jobs, our salaries, who we married, who had the better house, and whose kids were smarter and more attractive. Yeah, fun times.

My father was a cruel, mean, foul-mouthed, vengeful, angry, selfish, brutal, perverted narcissist. My mother was a scared little mouse who worshiped him and went along with his tantrums, tirades, and abuses because he was her lord and master- even when she was on the receiving end of his abuse. In her eyes, he could do no wrong. They were a sick pair who were made for each other.

When I went away for college I promptly entered the world of anorexia. My life from then on was ruled by two words: PERFECTION and CONTROL. To this day, decades later, I still refer to my eating disorder as Dancing With the Dragon.

Fast forward through marriage, career, motherhood, a return to work and a new job that introduced stress, moral dilemnas, and relationship wars into my life the likes of which I'd never known. At this time, my body started to physically show the signs of all the years of trauma and abuse. A botched back surgery was the first falling domino in my descent into hell. Chronic pain and a long list of physical disorders and illnesses overtook my life. My charade as the perfect wife, mother, employee, friend, and Christian began to crack as the years of repression started to lift, flashbacks intruded at inappropriate moments, and PTSD (which unknowingly had always been present in my life) took over my days. The woman with fashionable acrylic nails whose eye shadow coordinated with her designer suits and stylish heels ended up curled in the fetal position on the floor where she was employed sobbing hysterically. It was humiliating, ugly, and ended life as I knew it. Enter the breakdown, stigma, more trauma from medical and psychiatric bungling, endless chronic pain, long lists of physical and emotional diagnoses, suicidal ideations, and the loss of my perfection, control, job, friends, church, health, dignity, and so much more. Like I said, I'm recovering and always will be. I never would have started my healing journey if I hadn't lost everything. Perfection and control no longer rule my life.

The city girl is now a country girl. My life revolves around my incredible family (the one my husband and I made!), my home, and my faith. I've made new friends. My days are filled with gardening, researching eschatology (my passion), reading and researching, art, communicating online, and focusing on my greatest joy: my family. My faith keeps me centered. I live with chronic pain and the horror of the past...but I'm learning to let go and trying so hard to keep on healing. That's why I'm here.

I know this is long...if you've read to the end, thank you.💜
-m
 
Welcome to the forum! I am happy to hear that you are able to lean on your faith...I, too, have survived because of my faith!

I can assure you that this is a safe place to learn and find compassion from the members. I have been here for 11+ years and consider it a “home” of sorts. It is an outlet for thoughts and feelings as well as a place where you will find that you are not alone on this journey.

💜Blessings and Peace are being sent your way💜
AKJ
 
hello april. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

i am resisting the urge to ask if you are my husband's sister-in-law. the fact that she is still lives in the suburbs of a major metropolis is the only thing you listed which doesn't fit her profile. i am a child sex trafficking survivor and have yet to figure out the upper middle class dynamics i married into. my husband's sister-in-law remains too socially distant for me to know well, but even from this safe social distance, her aging process has looked painful. that she is the youngest of 8 children is the most intimate detail i have of her life. for sure, her salon nails and youthenized hair are not as perfect as they used to be.

but i digress. . . congratulations on finding the courage to embrace recovery. it is, indeed, a life long journey. there is no cure for the common me.

welcome aboard.
 
Welcome to the forum! I am happy to hear that you are able to lean on your faith...I, too, have survived because of my faith!

I can assure you that this is a safe place to learn and find compassion from the members. I have been here for 11+ years and consider it a “home” of sorts. It is an outlet for thoughts and feelings as well as a place where you will find that you are not alone on this journey.

💜Blessings and Peace are being sent your way💜
AKJ
Thank you for your encouraging words! It's difficult in today's world, especially for people who are struggling with past trauma and deep hurts from betrayals and fractured relationships, to find safe spaces. I appreciate the reassurance that this is one of those places. It is also so nice to find a kindred spirit who understands that faith is a lifeline for many of us. 💜
-m
 
hello april. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

i am resisting the urge to ask if you are my husband's sister-in-law. the fact that she is still lives in the suburbs of a major metropolis is the only thing you listed which doesn't fit her profile. i am a child sex trafficking survivor and have yet to figure out the upper middle class dynamics i married into. my husband's sister-in-law remains too socially distant for me to know well, but even from this safe social distance, her aging process has looked painful. that she is the youngest of 8 children is the most intimate detail i have of her life. for sure, her salon nails and youthenized hair are not as perfect as they used to be.

but i digress. . . congratulations on finding the courage to embrace recovery. it is, indeed, a life long journey. there is no cure for the common me.

welcome aboard.
Thank you for your welcome! My husband, one of six children, was raised on a farm and has only one brother. I refer to his brother and his wife as being "a cross between the late sixties and outer space." I am, indeed, now transplanted joyfully into rural life. The high school sits between two farm fields and the standard joke is that you find out on prom night that your date is your second cousin. The first day of hunting season is a legal school holiday and there is an official Drive Your Tractor to School Day. I love it here! Our friends say our kids were so intelligent because my husband brought in fresh blood from another state. So, there is probably no chance I'm your sister-in-law. I relate well to the social distancing. My birth family and I have to little to no contact, which is fine with me. One lesson I have learned during my adventure through adversity, however, is that family is a gift to be loved and treasured. Sadly, the one we are born into may not be filled with the people we are meant cherish or will love us in return. It is fine and even necessary to build family bonds to fill those important roles in our life. I have been blessed to have discovered those special people and given birth to others. 💜
Blessings,
-m
 
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