• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Intrusive or justified advice about parenting?

Status
Not open for further replies.

PreciousChild

MyPTSD Pro
Hi all, I've been trying to not be so codependent and am trying to mind my own business. But I've been tempted for a long while to give feedback to my bf about his ex and the way she parents her child. I never even met her, so here I am speculating about her from hearsay, but the struggles that their child faces are real, so maybe I'm justified in butting in? Their child gets in trouble just about every day at school. My bf has to work long hours, so she does all the parenting during the week. From what he tells me, she explodes at him just about every morning for not waking up on time, or whatever. He says that she has not ability to control her impulses. So I feel that she sets up a model for her own child and his ability not to control himself (he's a tween). She tells my bf that he's just a difficult child, which I feel is her way of justifying her yelling at him. My bf tells me that she has never been able to apologize or take responsibility for her behavior. But they will then go about setting up all kinds of punishments for his "bad" behaviors, which I think worsens the situation.

My bf feels somewhat helpless because he counts on her to do the parenting during the week. So whatever impulsive punishment she devises, he feels obligated to enforce whatever she decides to do even though she herself often changes her mind about consequences since she usually exacts too harsh a consequence while she's angry.

My bf will call me if he gets a call from school, upset that his son's in trouble again. So he does ask for feedback, but mostly about what is a "fair" punishment. But I want to nudge him to see that maybe his kid isn't so "bad" and that maybe he's just reacting to her parenting. I should probably just mind my own business.
 
But I want to nudge him to see that maybe his kid isn't so "bad" and that maybe he's just reacting to her parenting. I should probably just mind my own business.
It may be (is very likely) the kid is reacting to having a broken home.

Your info about her, her qualities, and her parenting style - are all coming from her ex.

The most important part of your role, now? Is to facilitate a loving environment, support their coparenting efforts, support your partner through this difficult period, and ensure the child feels loved from your corner.
 
Has your bf talked to the school? It would be interesting to hear what they have to say and I think they'd appreciate knowing the kid's father cares. @Sideways has a good point about him reacting to the divorce. The school will know if his behavior has changed. If they've noticed a change, I'm sure they'd be interested in knowing the backstory and coming up with a plan to help. At least they will if they're a good school.

As far as parenting goes, there's not much he can do to change the situation if he's not doing the parenting. What are the odds that the ex wants to hear comments from HIM?
 
I should probably just mind my own business.
Yep.

Unless you’re volunteering to wake him up every morning and get him to school? “You should wake him up how I would wake him up.” is just snide snarky judgemental attacks stemming from gossip.

I’m absolutely positive your intent is to be helpful, but can you imagine your ex’s girlfriend ringing you up to complain give advice about how you parent your own kids? Based on what she’s heard, not from you, but your ex & his opinions of your failings?
 
My bf will call me if he gets a call from school, upset that his son's in trouble again. So he does ask for feedback, but mostly about what is a "fair" punishment. But I want to nudge him to see that maybe his kid isn't so "bad" and that maybe he's just reacting to her parenting. I should probably just mind my own business.
When he is asking you for feedback about what he should do in terms of punishment, that's tricky. Let's say you do give input, he then starts to argue with her, then he mentions you mentioned it... and around they go with you dragged into the drama. That won't actually help this child. Instead of YOU getting triangulated in, I'd redirect him to maybe consulting a counselor or another 3rd party independent expert. They can give him advice on how to co-parent with the ex and what to do when they disagree on punishment. It's much better than you being in the middle of my-ex-is-a-terrible-co-parent battle.
 
Thanks for the thoughts and advice. The codependent tendency is to think you're right, so you're entitled to but in. Maybe a part of me knew that, and brought me here to be reminded about maintaining boundaries from people who know better.

To answer your question, @scout86, the school definitely gives both of them an earful. My bf believes them that his son is disruptive and makes inappropriate comments during classes and school, and basically has an oppositional attitude at times, though his grades aren't bad. His son was also caught sharing porn with his peers last year. I think this was quite scandalous at his school.

Over the weekend, my bf actually asked me if I could talk to his son (?!). He actually asked me to do that early on in our relationship, but I barely knew his son, so I told him that I hadn't earned the right to do that though I wanted to help. My bf thinks I'm "wise" or something and has always thought I would be a good person to talk to his son. This time, I obliged. My only intention was to be helpful because I don't think I'm in a position to "discipline" anyone's kid. His son is used to bullshitting his way out of trouble, and gives lots of good excuses that are believable. My bf suspects that, but can't quite put a finger on what he's lying about and what he's telling the truth about. I think we managed to call him out on the bullshit in a nice way, and talked to him about learning to get along with authority figures, especially as he gets older and the consequences get more serious. My bf thought he really heard us and was happy with the conversation. He thinks his ex isn't very helpful as such conversations are usually about her venting and exacting punishment. My bf knows that I don't use reward or punishment at home myself, and my son is empathetic, well-behaved, and is driven to be successful (gets straight A's), so I think my bf sees that kids don't go bad just because they don't get punished. I believe in talking with kids and providing them opportunities to reflect on their behavior so that they have tools and guidance in making good choices. I talked to my bf a lot about my philosophy on child-rearing and he seemed sympathetic. I think it's cool that he can be flexible and open about parenting and other things, and he feels that for the most part, I'm the same way.

I feel less obsessed about his ex's parenting knowing that he's open to other ways. I think if he can push back and provide his son a reality check on his ex's impulsivity without making his son feel conflicted and worse about his mom, then I feel better about the whole thing.
 
This is not about codependency to me or maybe there are traces of it in your part but your bf is sort of not taking full parental responsibility and unintentionally playing on your 'compulisive' caring side. It is good to talk about the child, but I think your anxiety about this is worth listening and maybe he needs child counselor to help as others indicate.
PS. Your feelings of the ex, generally speaking most mothers want the best for their children...what you are hearing is from a person who left that relationship and who is putting a lot of weight about his responsibility on you....take it with grain if salt.
 
This is not about codependency to me or maybe there are traces of it in your part but your bf is sort of not taking full parental responsibility and unintentionally playing on your 'compulisive' caring side. It is good to talk about the child, but I think your anxiety about this is worth listening and maybe he needs child counselor to help as others indicate.
PS. Your feelings of the ex, generally speaking most mothers want the best for their children...what you are hearing is from a person who left that relationship and who is putting a lot of weight about his responsibility on you....take it with grain if salt.

So do you think what he asked was inappropriate? We've been together now 11 months and he, his son, and I have spent a good deal of time together. My bf and I feel like we're in it for the long haul. I felt like it was appropriate to start pitching in.
 
So do you think what he asked was inappropriate? We've been together now 11 months and he, his son, and I have spent a good deal of time together. My bf and I feel like we're in it for the long haul. I felt like it was appropriate to start pitching in.
I think you have to go with your gut feeling and your intelligence of the situation. From my point of view, it seems to me 11 months is not long for a child of divorce family to get adapted to this situation and the fact he is asking you to speak to the child about things seems to me not appropriate. Obviously I do not have the full story and to some extent do you and your jumping to the mother of the child as the problem rather than the father whom you know more is something.
At the end, if I was in your shoes, knowing this man for 11 months, and seeing the problem with the child, I would have more empathy for the mother blame her for the issue of both parents.
Why are they divorced? That may give more clues to you. I am not asking you to tell me, just take that into consideration in your assessment of the issue.

Having broken family is truly a serious issue (can even be a traumatic for a child depending how the child digest). I am just giving you another view on the post. That is it. You are caring person and sometimes unfortunately our best sides can be used against us or make us blind if we are not conscious of.
 
Why are they divorced?
The ex wanted to get divorced. It turns out that she was having an affair with another man. My bf wanted to stick it out despite being very unhappy because he didn't want his son to suffer from having to go through a divorce (he developed clinical anxiety during the marriage). There are a lot of dynamics I haven't spoke of, but he's gone out of his way to accommodate his ex in ways that few would, partly because he is super sensitive about the welfare of his child, he has a guilt complex, and plus that's just who he is. I've seen him relate to other people, and he is super considerate of others. That's helped me, in fact, feel more secure in the relationship because him being considerate is who he is regardless of what I may or may not do. But I think you're right that I'm hearing from just one side.

I do think my bf started leaning on me pretty quickly for parenting help, but I think he's so worried and he appreciates my take on things.
 
That is precisely why it is hard to judge her on her motherhood and the relationship with her son from your b/f perspective. He can be a great father and she can be great mother and all other scenarios in the same situation so my point was it is not your place to judge her motherhood from his point of view. It is good to be needed and to be leaned on but it is also better even to be conscious of that because people who love being leaned on (who are not conscious of that emotionally not just intellectually) are most to taken advantage of.
 
If your bf is asking for feedback on parenting, I think it ok to give it. But the feedback should be what he can improve as a father. Not on how his ex is parenting. If the child is acting out because of the parents splitting. Both parents need to learn to come together and help the child. Taking coparenting class can help them with communicating and being on the same page with consequences. Going to counselling with him or him going to counselling so he can express his feelings. You say he gets good grades, that great, but it also doesn’t mean he doesn’t struggle some how in class. Does he have anxiety, is he an introvert , is he over sensitive. There are so many other things that can cause behaviours.

One thing I would like to point out and I’m not doing it in a nasty way
it just my opinion and what I see by reading your post.
It seems your bf doesn’t take much responsibility for his son.
He puts his sons behaviour on his ex. The way she parents, he doesn’t agree with her consequences but goes along with it anyway. He works long hours so doesn’t see him during the week and he’s asking you to talk with his son. To me that’s not stepping up. He’s putting everything on his ex and trying to bring you in too.
I’m sure your an amazing mother, but I feel it’s unfair to compare your child to his child. I have 3 children and I parent each one differently to their own personality’s.
I know your looking for the best way to help your bf son. Be a positive roll in his life. Don’t talk badly about his mother ( which I’m sure you don’t do) and most of all talk with him about life, engage in his interests . I also find boys talk more when their walking.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top