Intrusive thoughts

[crob529]

Been having suicidal thoughts for the first time in decades. They started a few months ago and just seem to be worsening. I think it’s because of how often I’m getting triggered lately. My boyfriend moved in with me about 6 months ago, and I’ve had more bad days than good days since then. I don’t actually remember any good days. Just bad days and numb days. There’s never enough time to recover between triggers to get to happy. I think the relationship needs to end. I love him but he can’t remember my triggers, no matter how much we talk about them or how much he runs into them. And after I’m triggered, he’s not there. He gets mad at himself and defensive and retreats. I’m just more lonely than I can remember ever being. And hopeless. It doesn’t seem like things are ever going to get better. I waited over two years after my last relationship ended to try again. I’m much more self aware now. I’m in therapy regularly. I have tools and strategies I didn’t have before. And still, no happiness. Voice in my head keeps saying that’s because I don’t deserve it. That this relationship and it’s near constant triggers are some sort of karma for being a shitty person. Logical me knows this is all bullshit. The thoughts don’t usually last long, but they’re getting more frequent, and I don’t know how to get out of them when they’re happening.

 

[Movingforward10]

it's horrible being in a cycle that doesn't seem to end.

It seems to me there is lots to unpick in your post, and it must feel overwhelming for you. You have your boyfriend and you moving in together (a big life change that can be stressful or induce symptoms because of various things); and then triggers getting worse, and then this dynamic between you where you say he doesn't remember your triggers and you get triggered and then he gets defensive and retreats, which leaves you alone and perhaps more triggered? , and then you wondering if the relationship needs to end.

Without this pattern of trigger - his defense his retreat - your trigger: how is the relationship Would you want to be in it?

Our triggers are our triggers. We have to manage them. you obviously don't need to share what your triggers are, but sometimes asking people to change their behaviour to save us from being triggered can cause exactly what you're going through. It's not their trigger and it might be totally innocent behaviour for them. whereas for us: really really challenging.
So it's trying to lessen our triggers somehow?

Sorry you're going through this. sounds a lot to deal with all at one time.

edit to say: you do deserve care and respect. And i hope this SI passes soon for you. Have you told your T about them?

 

[arfie]

i am careful to avoid repressing my intrusive thoughts and even more careful to find outlets other than my partner. repressing my intrusive thoughts has a way of giving them room to grow, no matter how ridiculous they are. venting them as they arrive helps me sort the chaff from the grain and work toward resolution. often, the resolution is to see how ridiculous they are in the light of day and process them toward the trash can.

sharing my intrusive thoughts with my partner has a way of confusing the relationship unmercifully. leaning heavily on my therapy support network for the venting and sorting saves considerable wear and tear on my domestic relationships.

for what it's worth
at 68, i'm feeling my mortality more and more by the day. the lines between suicidal ideation and accepting that death is inevitable are fine and fuzzy, at best.

 

[enough]

me too. had the thoughts for the longest time but somehow I knew I wouldn't act on them, but thinking them was worrisome. I adapted. This is how I changed it.
When I even get the glimpse of the suicidal thought I know what I have to do. I have to think it all the way through, beginning to end. And that beginning that I think about? It starts at the moment I am no longer in the picture. No sense in repeating the thoughts about why or how I would do it, it doesn't matter.
I think about the discovery of a body, I think about the ramifications of that for the poor coroner's assistant that gets the heavy end of the stretcher. I think about the police dispatcher that has to tell an officer where to go to inform the family. I think about the legal mess, and about how wherever the body is found becomes a potential crime scene. I think about generations of my family having to look away from every person that asks them about their family medical history. I think about the incredible sadness that drifts into place the moment I am not around to suffer it. More than I had to deal with, and no way to change it, forever. No matter how unfair life was to me, it is nothing compared to the sum total of unfairness I drop on anyone and everyone involved in living with just a memory of me that ends horribly and forever. All of those thoughts and many more, maybe some new thing that someone else has to suffer this time. Maybe next time I have to start there and see what other lousy things I cause if it happens.

I think typing this all out once in a while when I am not in the throws of a gripping sadness or anger or whatever is like a dose of inoculating magic anti-suicide joo joo. Good to go. Decision made, life to live. I only hope that this helps you too.
The thouights come back and when they do, I have to serve my penance and think it through. every damn time. Every damn time. Every damn time. Stick around, this gets better. Dont miss it, dont rob others of their share of the better.

 

[Alaine]

me too. had the thoughts for the longest time but somehow I knew I wouldn't act on them, but thinking them was worrisome. I adapted. This is how I changed it.
When I even get the glimpse of the suicidal thought I know what I have to do. I have to think it all the way through, beginning to end. And that beginning that I think about? It starts at the moment I am no longer in the picture. No sense in repeating the thoughts about why or how I would do it, it doesn't matter.
I think about the discovery of a body, I think about the ramifications of that for the poor coroner's assistant that gets the heavy end of the stretcher. I think about the police dispatcher that has to tell an officer where to go to inform the family. I think about the legal mess, and about how wherever the body is found becomes a potential crime scene. I think about generations of my family having to look away from every person that asks them about their family medical history. I think about the incredible sadness that drifts into place the moment I am not around to suffer it. More than I had to deal with, and no way to change it, forever. No matter how unfair life was to me, it is nothing compared to the sum total of unfairness I drop on anyone and everyone involved in living with just a memory of me that ends horribly and forever. All of those thoughts and many more, maybe some new thing that someone else has to suffer this time. Maybe next time I have to start there and see what other lousy things I cause if it happens.

I think typing this all out once in a while when I am not in the throws of a gripping sadness or anger or whatever is like a dose of inoculating magic anti-suicide joo joo. Good to go. Decision made, life to live. I only hope that this helps you too.
The thouights come back and when they do, I have to serve my penance and think it through. every damn time. Every damn time. Every damn time. Stick around, this gets better. Dont miss it, dont rob others of their share of the better.

When I get those thoughts I remember what a psychiatrist said to me 20 years ago.
He told me that when a parent commits suicide, the children eventually end up in therapy, and the first thing they say is “When I was (blank) years old, my mother (or father) committed suicide.”
So began their journey of trauma and suffering.