Been having suicidal thoughts for the first time in decades. They started a few months ago and just seem to be worsening. I think it’s because of how often I’m getting triggered lately. My boyfriend moved in with me about 6 months ago, and I’ve had more bad days than good days since then. I don’t actually remember any good days. Just bad days and numb days. There’s never enough time to recover between triggers to get to happy. I think the relationship needs to end. I love him but he can’t remember my triggers, no matter how much we talk about them or how much he runs into them. And after I’m triggered, he’s not there. He gets mad at himself and defensive and retreats. I’m just more lonely than I can remember ever being. And hopeless. It doesn’t seem like things are ever going to get better. I waited over two years after my last relationship ended to try again. I’m much more self aware now. I’m in therapy regularly. I have tools and strategies I didn’t have before. And still, no happiness. Voice in my head keeps saying that’s because I don’t deserve it. That this relationship and it’s near constant triggers are some sort of karma for being a shitty person. Logical me knows this is all bullshit. The thoughts don’t usually last long, but they’re getting more frequent, and I don’t know how to get out of them when they’re happening.