I am hoping not to make this very lengthy, but I appologize in advance if it is.
A little about me: I have ptsd, but I may have cptsd. We will see what I get diagnosed with once I start therapy again. The waiting lists are killing me! I have been through child abuse, molestation, rape and domestic violence (which included emotional, physical and sexual abuse). Just take your pick where I developed ptsd! I have anxiety, abandonment, intimacy and rejection issues. All of which I know are my own issues I need to work on, and have all resurfaced recently! Hence starting therapy all over again, I thought I had over come most of this crap already! Silly me.
My ex: Served as a Marine in the sand box and has been a CO for 10 years. I hear from people close to him, that he suffers from ptsd and extreme survivor's guilt. Became suicidal shortly after returning home. He now does so much volunteer work within the community, VFW, the Legion and keeps extremely busy. (Probably his was of coping) He has only opened up briefly about his time over seas, so I dont know much about what he has gone through. I don't ask questions about his experiences. I know many people don't want to talk about it and I respect that.
I know I was spoiled with my grandfather who served in WW2. He talked about the war often and constantly told stories. He served as a merchant marine when he shouldn't have even been allowed to serve at all. He was born with a club hand (no fingers) and a missing ear drum, so he was limited on what he could do. Enlistment came and because he was well over 6' tall they bypassed the initial physical and he was enlisted! He was so proud to serve his county!
Our 4ish month relationship: Both we and our families run in similar circles, so family decided to introduce us. It was great in the beginning like it always is. We both had stuff going on so we ended up canceling on each other pretty frequently, but we both understood and it was never an issue. We talked every day all day through text. He was sweet, kind, generous, and sincere. He always felt bad when he had to cancel, either mandated at work or a friend needed to talk. I really admired his devotion to his friends in need. He would tell me things like I want you by my side and I can't wait to share our lives together. All the things I have longed to hear for so long. When I wasn't feeling well, he would offer to bring me soup and my daughter dinner so I could rest. I always denied this because my daughter gets attached to easily and the relationship was still very new.
After almost 3 months a close family friend passed and he came over (as a friend) and met my daughter to distract her. The day of the funeral I found out my ex has been active on a dating site and I was crushed. I thought this was serious and going somewhere. I had so many emotions going on and my lovely limbic system (reptilian brain) kicked into high gear! I broke it off immediately.
I regretting what I did because I didnt get his side of the story and truthfully we never had a discussion about being exclusive. We talked about it, I apologized and got back together. There were a few other issues that we talked about, because of his busy schedule we didnt see each other very often. He agreed to be exclusive and delete the dating app. He also agreed to talk on the phone every few days if we couldn't see each other. (He hated phone calls, but I just needed to hear his voice, even it was for just 2 minutes.)
Things were good, and the next date we had, he asked if his friend could join us. I was a little hurt because I dont get much time with him and now I have to share, but I know his friends dont get to see him much either. So I decided to take it as a good sign that he wanted his friend to meet me! We went out, had a good time and he spent the night so I still got some alone time with him.
A few days later I could tell he was agitated so i ended the conversation. (I still cant handle angry men around me, and I just shut down) Later he apologized saying he was having a bad day at work. I told him it's fine and I was giving him space and if he wanted to relieve some stress he could come over later for quickie. He absolutely loved it and couldn't wait. Well I text him after my daughter went to bed and got nothing. A few hours later he said he fell asleep and could believe he missed out. I responded right away saying I waited and to let him know I was still awake. Nothing. I expected his normal good morning text and never recieved it. I thought he was still aggravated with work and I told him the day before I was giving him space.
4 days go by with nothing, so I reached out for an explanation. Didnt really get any from him. He said he was waiting for the morning text from me. We both said we felt that the other was just not into the other. I told him we needed to talk about this in person. But because he didnt hear from me, he made plans to hang out with a friend. I get canceled on so he could talk with friends, but I guess it doesnt work the other way around? Silly me that my anxiety flared up and I really needed to clear the air and talk about what happened. But I turned into the bad guy.
We needed to talk in person about issues because text are interpreted wrong and I didnt want any more issues caused because it. At the same time there is no sense dwelling on it until the right time. So we went back to our normal talking. Schedules were tough so we wouldn't be able to a date for 2.5 weeks. During this time, I kept feeling sick and thought it was my anxiety, I was exhausted, irritable and nauseous. Welp guess what....I was pregnant.
I didn't want to tell him this through a text and we also needed to figure out if we were both committed to making this work before he found out. I wouldn't want him to base a decision on a baby, that wouldn't be fair. My head was spinning, I was forced to look at our future and see if we had one in my eyes. I felt it would be a struggle with both our issues but if we both wanted it to work, we could. So before he came over to pick me up I told him we still needed to talk about issues and he needed to figure out if he wanted this and was going to put more effort in. He instantly broke it off. I got the you deserve better, I dont think I can give you what you need. (Not knowing what I need)
I wrote him how i felt saying a relationship together was not going to be easy by any means but at least we understand better than most what we go through with ptsd. That I cared for him and wanted to be with him. His responce was I'll talk to you when I can. 5 days go by without a word and I reached out again. He said he would come talk to me that weekend. I dont think either of us realized it was memorial day weekend. So of course I got silence.
During this time I lost the baby. I felt like my world had just imploded. I went from being numb to having emotional outbursts in the blink of an eye. I didnt know which way was up or down. I went to work feeling like a zombie, detached from my body. There were no straight lines anymore everything was hazy. Coming home pretending to be okay and strong, show no emotions because my daughter needed her mommy. The worst was picking her up from the sitters, who happened to be watching her grandbaby who is less than a year old, the same week of the misscarrage. Every day I would hear how amazing my daughter was with the baby and how helpful she was. The baby adores her......and on and on. To top things off, thanks to one of the many side effects of pregnancy, I needed surgery to correct it. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, guilty and just not good enough for anything or anyone. When I wasn't numb, I desperately wanted his comfort, I wanted to hear him say it wasn't my fault even though I know it was. But he knew nothing about it. This was my burden to bare and mine alone. There was no need for him to know about any of this.
I had entered a raffle the VFW had a while back, the drawing was on memorial day. I happened to win something, which never happens. He was running the raffle so I reached out, tried to keep things light. Asked about getting the prize, they were dropping everything that day. I told him either he could drop it off or give it to my cousin who was also helping out. He said he could drop it off that night. I text him when my daughter went to sleep and got nothing. At this point I thought he was just playing games so I waited a week before asking about the prize again. This ended up becoming an argument because he said he never told me he would drop it off that day. Well my hormones were still raging and I ended up getting emotionally charged and told him about the pregnancy, miscarriage and surgery. All through text! How horrible! He didnt believe me, which is fine. I honestly hope he still thinks I lied to him to spare him from the burden I just threw at him. Then it was back and forth he wanted to come to the surgery. I was too embarrassed about what I needed done that I didnt want anyone there!
A few days later I wrote an apology txt of how things turned out. I told him I hope we can be civil when we run into each other (it's happened a few times since we broke up and he avoids me at all cost). A wave or hello. He responded, I've been in a bad place and getting help now. Sorry for the way I've acted but I also cant help it. I told him that I would be there for him no matter what, and he said the same. I've initiated text every 3 to 5 days. He tells me, you can always tell me how you feel, I wish I could be what you want and need but I dont think you can be patient enough for me. I asked him if he was getting help to be with me, and he said I will fall into place if that makes sense. Well no it doesnt. It took him less than 10 minutes after he dumped me to jump on the dating site and has been active ever since. I told him I would wait for him because I thought he was worth it but I needed to know I was worth waiting for too. No responce. I'm not sure if I take no responce as a no, I'm not worth waiting for to him or not.
I'm very confused and went through a downward spiral, almost out now. I dont know what it how to feel, my next actions or why I even wrote all this. I dont know if i need comfort or advice. Maybe I wrote this to get my story out and just be heard, maybe I'm hoping to get some guidance.
A little about me: I have ptsd, but I may have cptsd. We will see what I get diagnosed with once I start therapy again. The waiting lists are killing me! I have been through child abuse, molestation, rape and domestic violence (which included emotional, physical and sexual abuse). Just take your pick where I developed ptsd! I have anxiety, abandonment, intimacy and rejection issues. All of which I know are my own issues I need to work on, and have all resurfaced recently! Hence starting therapy all over again, I thought I had over come most of this crap already! Silly me.
My ex: Served as a Marine in the sand box and has been a CO for 10 years. I hear from people close to him, that he suffers from ptsd and extreme survivor's guilt. Became suicidal shortly after returning home. He now does so much volunteer work within the community, VFW, the Legion and keeps extremely busy. (Probably his was of coping) He has only opened up briefly about his time over seas, so I dont know much about what he has gone through. I don't ask questions about his experiences. I know many people don't want to talk about it and I respect that.
I know I was spoiled with my grandfather who served in WW2. He talked about the war often and constantly told stories. He served as a merchant marine when he shouldn't have even been allowed to serve at all. He was born with a club hand (no fingers) and a missing ear drum, so he was limited on what he could do. Enlistment came and because he was well over 6' tall they bypassed the initial physical and he was enlisted! He was so proud to serve his county!
Our 4ish month relationship: Both we and our families run in similar circles, so family decided to introduce us. It was great in the beginning like it always is. We both had stuff going on so we ended up canceling on each other pretty frequently, but we both understood and it was never an issue. We talked every day all day through text. He was sweet, kind, generous, and sincere. He always felt bad when he had to cancel, either mandated at work or a friend needed to talk. I really admired his devotion to his friends in need. He would tell me things like I want you by my side and I can't wait to share our lives together. All the things I have longed to hear for so long. When I wasn't feeling well, he would offer to bring me soup and my daughter dinner so I could rest. I always denied this because my daughter gets attached to easily and the relationship was still very new.
After almost 3 months a close family friend passed and he came over (as a friend) and met my daughter to distract her. The day of the funeral I found out my ex has been active on a dating site and I was crushed. I thought this was serious and going somewhere. I had so many emotions going on and my lovely limbic system (reptilian brain) kicked into high gear! I broke it off immediately.
I regretting what I did because I didnt get his side of the story and truthfully we never had a discussion about being exclusive. We talked about it, I apologized and got back together. There were a few other issues that we talked about, because of his busy schedule we didnt see each other very often. He agreed to be exclusive and delete the dating app. He also agreed to talk on the phone every few days if we couldn't see each other. (He hated phone calls, but I just needed to hear his voice, even it was for just 2 minutes.)
Things were good, and the next date we had, he asked if his friend could join us. I was a little hurt because I dont get much time with him and now I have to share, but I know his friends dont get to see him much either. So I decided to take it as a good sign that he wanted his friend to meet me! We went out, had a good time and he spent the night so I still got some alone time with him.
A few days later I could tell he was agitated so i ended the conversation. (I still cant handle angry men around me, and I just shut down) Later he apologized saying he was having a bad day at work. I told him it's fine and I was giving him space and if he wanted to relieve some stress he could come over later for quickie. He absolutely loved it and couldn't wait. Well I text him after my daughter went to bed and got nothing. A few hours later he said he fell asleep and could believe he missed out. I responded right away saying I waited and to let him know I was still awake. Nothing. I expected his normal good morning text and never recieved it. I thought he was still aggravated with work and I told him the day before I was giving him space.
4 days go by with nothing, so I reached out for an explanation. Didnt really get any from him. He said he was waiting for the morning text from me. We both said we felt that the other was just not into the other. I told him we needed to talk about this in person. But because he didnt hear from me, he made plans to hang out with a friend. I get canceled on so he could talk with friends, but I guess it doesnt work the other way around? Silly me that my anxiety flared up and I really needed to clear the air and talk about what happened. But I turned into the bad guy.
We needed to talk in person about issues because text are interpreted wrong and I didnt want any more issues caused because it. At the same time there is no sense dwelling on it until the right time. So we went back to our normal talking. Schedules were tough so we wouldn't be able to a date for 2.5 weeks. During this time, I kept feeling sick and thought it was my anxiety, I was exhausted, irritable and nauseous. Welp guess what....I was pregnant.
I didn't want to tell him this through a text and we also needed to figure out if we were both committed to making this work before he found out. I wouldn't want him to base a decision on a baby, that wouldn't be fair. My head was spinning, I was forced to look at our future and see if we had one in my eyes. I felt it would be a struggle with both our issues but if we both wanted it to work, we could. So before he came over to pick me up I told him we still needed to talk about issues and he needed to figure out if he wanted this and was going to put more effort in. He instantly broke it off. I got the you deserve better, I dont think I can give you what you need. (Not knowing what I need)
I wrote him how i felt saying a relationship together was not going to be easy by any means but at least we understand better than most what we go through with ptsd. That I cared for him and wanted to be with him. His responce was I'll talk to you when I can. 5 days go by without a word and I reached out again. He said he would come talk to me that weekend. I dont think either of us realized it was memorial day weekend. So of course I got silence.
During this time I lost the baby. I felt like my world had just imploded. I went from being numb to having emotional outbursts in the blink of an eye. I didnt know which way was up or down. I went to work feeling like a zombie, detached from my body. There were no straight lines anymore everything was hazy. Coming home pretending to be okay and strong, show no emotions because my daughter needed her mommy. The worst was picking her up from the sitters, who happened to be watching her grandbaby who is less than a year old, the same week of the misscarrage. Every day I would hear how amazing my daughter was with the baby and how helpful she was. The baby adores her......and on and on. To top things off, thanks to one of the many side effects of pregnancy, I needed surgery to correct it. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, guilty and just not good enough for anything or anyone. When I wasn't numb, I desperately wanted his comfort, I wanted to hear him say it wasn't my fault even though I know it was. But he knew nothing about it. This was my burden to bare and mine alone. There was no need for him to know about any of this.
I had entered a raffle the VFW had a while back, the drawing was on memorial day. I happened to win something, which never happens. He was running the raffle so I reached out, tried to keep things light. Asked about getting the prize, they were dropping everything that day. I told him either he could drop it off or give it to my cousin who was also helping out. He said he could drop it off that night. I text him when my daughter went to sleep and got nothing. At this point I thought he was just playing games so I waited a week before asking about the prize again. This ended up becoming an argument because he said he never told me he would drop it off that day. Well my hormones were still raging and I ended up getting emotionally charged and told him about the pregnancy, miscarriage and surgery. All through text! How horrible! He didnt believe me, which is fine. I honestly hope he still thinks I lied to him to spare him from the burden I just threw at him. Then it was back and forth he wanted to come to the surgery. I was too embarrassed about what I needed done that I didnt want anyone there!
A few days later I wrote an apology txt of how things turned out. I told him I hope we can be civil when we run into each other (it's happened a few times since we broke up and he avoids me at all cost). A wave or hello. He responded, I've been in a bad place and getting help now. Sorry for the way I've acted but I also cant help it. I told him that I would be there for him no matter what, and he said the same. I've initiated text every 3 to 5 days. He tells me, you can always tell me how you feel, I wish I could be what you want and need but I dont think you can be patient enough for me. I asked him if he was getting help to be with me, and he said I will fall into place if that makes sense. Well no it doesnt. It took him less than 10 minutes after he dumped me to jump on the dating site and has been active ever since. I told him I would wait for him because I thought he was worth it but I needed to know I was worth waiting for too. No responce. I'm not sure if I take no responce as a no, I'm not worth waiting for to him or not.
I'm very confused and went through a downward spiral, almost out now. I dont know what it how to feel, my next actions or why I even wrote all this. I dont know if i need comfort or advice. Maybe I wrote this to get my story out and just be heard, maybe I'm hoping to get some guidance.