is he breaking up with me?

[PreciousChild]

I'm so triggered. The other night, I said some pretty harsh things to my bf, and I feel like he's ignoring me today because of it. I basically told him how when I first met him, he said something rude and I told him that I was thinking "F**k you, motherf***ker". I was joking. I was just conveying that I had my feelings hurt, and he asked me if that's what I was really thinking. I said no not really. But he's kind of sensitive, and has felt dejected by less. Could it be that after close to two years of being in a relationship in which he's told me that he feels like I'm his partner, he wants to move in together, I'm the "best" one, telling me I've changed how he thinks and feels, and telling me how much he loves me. Could my callous joke cause the end of the relationship?

I'm looking for a reality check. I tend to catastrophize because my sadistic dad would punish me severely for the slightest, random infractions. Right now, I'm thinking about how this one joke was a window into my real, insidious thoughts, and they've been exposed, and he sees how awful I really am. I think this is me over-dramatizing, but then again, the thought bubble of "F**k you, MF'er" was pretty harsh and by telling him, it is probably a window into how reactive I am to rude comments which he didn't realize up until now.

He hasn't responded to my texts all day. They were just images I shared, but he would normally respond.

 

[Friday]

What has he done / how has he reacted the other times you’ve hurt him in the past 2 years?

Does this track with those patterns & reactions, or is it wildly out of character?

Has he ever forgotten to charge his phone, take it with him, or been in situations that don’t allow for calls? IE is not answering his phone an intermittent occurrence that has an easy explanation, or something that if you weren’t feeling bad about possibly being the cause something you’d be calling his work/friends/family/police over because he is NEVER without his phone?

 

[PreciousChild]

Thanks @Friday. Those are good questions. In the past, he has sometimes been slow to respond to my texts. But usually because of work. He's not working now. I'm not sure why he didn't respond to my texts, but he texted me later that night just to see how I was doing and we had a nice texting chat. He didn't seem at all perturbed. I don't even know if he took the joke in the wrong way. I saw him last night, and nothing seemed to be wrong at all.

I've actually been thinking a lot about a reply you gave me some months ago. Your questions were geared around my focus on him versus focus on myself. My triggers are about someone abandoning me for dead (since I was a toddler when my first abandonment happened - my dad took my mom and siblings out of the house and left me alone at dinner time, and left me alone in the house all night to "teach me a lesson" about chewing rudely - I re-experience my trigger as utter death). It's hard for me to feel safe when abandonment feels so dire. But this time around, I tried harder to self-talk about being safe within myself. I tried to fight the automatic intense scrutiny that I undergo when I'm triggered, and tried to tell myself that I do not need to be perfect to be loved. And if my joke was seriously taken the wrong way, and he broke up with me over that, that still doesn't mean that I am the unloveable, bad person that I fear I am.