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General Is it common to hold onto things?

Thread starter #1
It’s been about 4 months since I’ve been on the forum. T and I were doing great, we were back to almost normal (I say almost because the pandemic put alittle strain on us, but that was out of our control). Monday we had a conversation about taking our relationship to the next level and working towards marriage but immediately I noticed that he was back to detaching and putting up a wall, he began mentioning a fight we had over a year and a half ago and how those things are preventing him from getting close to me. Is it normal or common for those who suffer from ptsd to carry on hurt and pain from 1 incident, unwilling to forgive and fully get close or trust because of it. What happened between the two of us was never cheating, it had to do with me saying some hurtful things because I was hurt, which I have taken full accountability for that. It’s been well over a year 🤦🏽‍♀️ I just don’t get it because there have been plenty of things he’s done (intentional/& not intentional) but by fault I forgive, I’d rather let go than hold onto pain and allow it to consume me.

Sorry for the rant, looking for alittle insight or advice.
 
#2
I am not sure if it is common. I just know my Vet does it too.
sometimes I think it is silly. When wechsle an argument he likes to bring up everything wrong I ever did/said during our whole relationship just because he is running out of arguments like “I may be wrong in this case but in the past you did X and X and X... see who is really the bad guy now?“
I used to be hurt by this - until I realized that a man and a vet can be just as irrational as a woman.

On the other hand you might really have said something that might have hurt him deeply without knowing so.

Or he might have felt stomped. I remember how stomped I felt when my vet asked me to marry him though it was exactly what I had been expecting (because I was pregnant and in my culture people marry if they are) and had in a way had hoped for. I felt pretty shocked and wanted to “run away“ in a way because I felt I was still to young for so much responsibility as you have in marriage.

I think my vet felt similar. We never talked about how he felt (and I don’t think he would tell me the truth...) but he looked pretty shell shocked on our marriage day. He also didn’t like the crowds. It was a big wedding. However I think the crowds where only part of the problem.
I think he spend the most time thinking “OMG what have I just gotten into“ and I know I felt the same.

I know because he told for him it was a big change in his life to be married and he had to figure out how it worked and wondered if he was able to meet that expectations.... especially if you have ptsd and feel it might be difficult.

Somewhere I read about combat Vets with ptsd that they often do have a sense of foreshortened future. They do not expect that they will marry or have children or even have a normal life span.

And for me: I always had expected that I might be married with kids on day though I didn’t expect it to happen until much later. I also have younger siblings but it was still very odd to suddenly be in the role.

I think the question of marriage is a stressful one- for many people.
 
#3
Is it normal or common for those who suffer from ptsd to carry on hurt and pain from 1 incident,
There's no trend for people suffering from ptsd to be any more or less forgiving when it comes to relationships imo. This 'hurt' came about from an argument - not trauma. Completely different horse and race. Don't blame ptsd for someone's emotional immaturity or perhaps caution for not wanting to commit.

If you partner wants refuses to forgive you well really there's nothing you can do. Forgiveness isn't about you, it's about your partner.

Your partner has to do the work to forgive you.

I presume you've apologised and I assume you've both worked out how this all came about and put into place some kind of method (communication style?) to lessen the likelihood of it happening again?? If not, there's the work and it should be done. Afterall you probably don't want to repeat it.

I guess if your partner hasn't forgiven you and is bringing it up old hurts and grievances you could open up and ask what more you can do (in a nice way) to resolve the issue. You've got nothing to lose.
 
Thread starter #4
There's no trend for people suffering from ptsd to be any more or less forgiving when it comes to relationships imo. This 'hurt' came about from an argument - not trauma. Completely different horse and race. Don't blame ptsd for someone's emotional immaturity or perhaps caution for not wanting to commit.

If you partner wants refuses to forgive you well really there's nothing you can do. Forgiveness isn't about you, it's about your partner.

Your partner has to do the work to forgive you.

I presume you've apologised and I assume you've both worked out how this all came about and put into place some kind of method (communication style?) to lessen the likelihood of it happening again?? If not, there's the work and it should be done. Afterall you probably don't want to repeat it.

I guess if your partner hasn't forgiven you and is bringing it up old hurts and grievances you could open up and ask what more you can do (in a nice way) to resolve the issue. You've got nothing to lose.
It seems as if whenever he’s in a bad headspace (having an episode) is when he brings up that past argument, then follows with “I don’t know how to love right. I don’t do this on purpose, so dont make me feel guilty for being hurt but you made me hate myself more than I already do.”

We’ve talked about this many times and everytime we are finally great, BOOM he reverts back and puts up the walls again.

Thanks for the reply, it’s hard for me to separate his moods and behaviors from his ptsd. I’m still learning and trying to get a better understanding on how to handle our relationship.
 
#5
“I don’t know how to love right. I don’t do this on purpose, so dont make me feel guilty for being hurt but you made me hate myself more than I already do.”
^Have a good look at that sentence ^ and see the manipulation?

If he claims that he doesn't know how to love right then he's got no business being in a relationship where love is the binding agent and he should get out. Not tell you he doesn't know how to love you properly. What a cop out. I mean probably he's saying it out of guilt about how he's behaving but still... no.

If he's not doing this on purpose then why is he letting it happen? He's got control - not you. He's a big boy, an adult? For me - that's a cop out.

The don't make me feel guilty - huh?? Nobody's making him feel anything... certainly not you. Another way of blaming you and he ought to get a grip and stop thinking you'll take responsibility for how he feels. He's got to get his feelings under control and no, regardless of how powerful he thinks you are, you cannot control his mind.

If he's hurt - then address that. Without all of the dressings.

You didn't make him hate himself. If he hates himself he's doing a fine job all by himself. He's not a child where that type of manipulation and abuse can result in life-long mental drift... If he hates himself it's got more to do with him than you. Don't wear that either.

That statement, if it's typical of the why we aren't committing to marriage etc., is probably a fairly lame way of blaming you for well, everything??

Edited to add. This isn't about ptsd. This is about your relationship and how much responsibility he wants to take in it.
 
#6
Hi @AngelBaby , I'm sorry that this is happening.
I agree with @blackemerald1 .

Is he in therapy?
Because I think you might need to be firm with him.
You said sorry. It was 18 months ago. Have you asked him why all that time and your apology isn't enough for him and what is he going to do about it so he can regulate his emotions? As it is his job to do so, not yours.
That may sound harsh, but it is actually putting the responsibility of this where it needs to be.

What is it he wants you to do? There is nothing you can do, unless you can travel back in time. So he needs to resolve this in his mind.

If he isn't seeing a therapist, do you feel able to suggest he needs to?

I had a falling out with my partner yesterday. I now realise that when we fall out, I have to take a few minutes to think: "what am I feeling and why and is this feeling really about what is happening now or is it trauma related? And if it is trauma related, I need to resolve that and not put that on my partner.". It's complicated and needs thinking through. But it's my responsibility to do that. Otherwise , I'm being emotionally manipulative to my partner, at worst, and at best, confusing the hell out of her because the situation doesn't warrant my reaction. Neither of which are fair on her.
 
#7
My walls go up at the slightest provocation....even with people I know love me. I don't usually do the "well you did this last year" crap but I do pull away because it's suddenly not safe to trust them if I get too close when I'm upset. And this is with people I've been close to for decades.

So what your guy is doing doesn't surprise me. But that Does Not make it ok. This is his problem and if he wants to get past it he has to do the work. It's taken me years of therapy to get to a place where I can understand what I'm doing and how to buffer it. Don't get me wrong - I still pull away. But I no longer blame them when I do and I recover way faster.

He will either do the work or he wont. But that doesn't mean he gets to treat you like crap while he figures it out. PTSD does not give us the right to be abusive asshats.
 
#8
I would read about attachment patterns. There is plenty online about insecure, avoident, secure attachment. It’s common in all relationships. However, the non-secure attachments can form from developmental trauma. I have researched it since insecure attachment style has been a problem for me.
 
#9
I would read about attachment patterns. There is plenty online about insecure, avoident, secure attachment. It’s common in all relationships. However, the non-secure attachments can form from developmental trauma. I have researched it since insecure attachment style has been a problem for me.
I think she mentioned in one of her other posts her guy had combat ptsd and that would be to late in life to have non-secure attachment from developmental trauma, wouldn’t it?
But then of course one can have two kinds of trauma.
 
#10
Sometimes possibly unintentional grudges can happen with PTSD, especially if the argument somehow aligns with the prior trauma. PTSD can sometimes cause misaligned thoughts. I'm sorry he's holding it against you. Is he in therapy? It might be worth encouraging him to discuss it with the therapist. Couples counseling could also help. It can be difficult for significant others to continually deal with PTSD, but you seem to be doing well and I hope you can keep going. Sometimes it's hard for those with PTSD to find such a loving partner. Come here to blow off steam any time. Prayers for strength and wisdom.
 
#11
I think she mentioned in one of her other posts her guy had combat ptsd and that would be to late in life to have non-secure attachment from developmental trauma, wouldn’t it?
But then of course one can have two kinds of trauma.
Actually attachment patterns apply to all people. I think it’s kind of on a spectrum, but I could be wrong too. I was just thinking that it might be something the OP might be interested in reading about.
 
Thread starter #12
^Have a good look at that sentence ^ and see the manipulation?

If he claims that he doesn't know how to love right then he's got no business being in a relationship where love is the binding agent and he should get out. Not tell you he doesn't know how to love you properly. What a cop out. I mean probably he's saying it out of guilt about how he's behaving but still... no.

If he's not doing this on purpose then why is he letting it happen? He's got control - not you. He's a big boy, an adult? For me - that's a cop out.

The don't make me feel guilty - huh?? Nobody's making him feel anything... certainly not you. Another way of blaming you and he ought to get a grip and stop thinking you'll take responsibility for how he feels. He's got to get his feelings under control and no, regardless of how powerful he thinks you are, you cannot control his mind.

If he's hurt - then address that. Without all of the dressings.

You didn't make him hate himself. If he hates himself he's doing a fine job all by himself. He's not a child where that type of manipulation and abuse can result in life-long mental drift... If he hates himself it's got more to do with him than you. Don't wear that either.

That statement, if it's typical of the why we aren't committing to marriage etc., is probably a fairly lame way of blaming you for well, everything??

Edited to add. This isn't about ptsd. This is about your relationship and how much responsibility he wants to take in it.
I can see why you’d get the impression that he is being manipulative but I know he is genuinely hurt because I used some of the most personal things he’s ever said to me as ammo because he made it seem as if he was back with his ex... it’s a long story. We broke up, he sent me photos of him with his ex and I used whatever I could to hurt him, we got back together and now he still hold onto those things and says I meant them all even tho I know in my heart they aren’t true, I just knew that’s how he viewed himself. It was wrong of me. It’s just a really tough spot to be in. He holds onto a lot of past traumas of his mother giving him up as a child, then finding out by taking a dna ancestory kit his father who raised him isn’t his biological father.

I am not sure if it is common. I just know my Vet does it too.
sometimes I think it is silly. When wechsle an argument he likes to bring up everything wrong I ever did/said during our whole relationship just because he is running out of arguments like “I may be wrong in this case but in the past you did X and X and X... see who is really the bad guy now?“
I used to be hurt by this - until I realized that a man and a vet can be just as irrational as a woman.

On the other hand you might really have said something that might have hurt him deeply without knowing so.

Or he might have felt stomped. I remember how stomped I felt when my vet asked me to marry him though it was exactly what I had been expecting (because I was pregnant and in my culture people marry if they are) and had in a way had hoped for. I felt pretty shocked and wanted to “run away“ in a way because I felt I was still to young for so much responsibility as you have in marriage.

I think my vet felt similar. We never talked about how he felt (and I don’t think he would tell me the truth...) but he looked pretty shell shocked on our marriage day. He also didn’t like the crowds. It was a big wedding. However I think the crowds where only part of the problem.
I think he spend the most time thinking “OMG what have I just gotten into“ and I know I felt the same.

I know because he told for him it was a big change in his life to be married and he had to figure out how it worked and wondered if he was able to meet that expectations.... especially if you have ptsd and feel it might be difficult.

Somewhere I read about combat Vets with ptsd that they often do have a sense of foreshortened future. They do not expect that they will marry or have children or even have a normal life span.

And for me: I always had expected that I might be married with kids on day though I didn’t expect it to happen until much later. I also have younger siblings but it was still very odd to suddenly be in the role.

I think the question of marriage is a stressful one- for many people.
He has said to me that when he’s hurt, he shuts down and can’t just shake it off. It’s been hard trying to recover from this one argument. Using the things he’s most vulnerable about has caused him to no longer trust me or feel safe to disclose things about himself anymore.
He did the same thing to me, but like I mentioned above, I don’t carry on grudges and I’m a lot more forgiving

Hi @AngelBaby , I'm sorry that this is happening.
I agree with @blackemerald1 .

Is he in therapy?
Because I think you might need to be firm with him.
You said sorry. It was 18 months ago. Have you asked him why all that time and your apology isn't enough for him and what is he going to do about it so he can regulate his emotions? As it is his job to do so, not yours.
That may sound harsh, but it is actually putting the responsibility of this where it needs to be.

What is it he wants you to do? There is nothing you can do, unless you can travel back in time. So he needs to resolve this in his mind.

If he isn't seeing a therapist, do you feel able to suggest he needs to?

I had a falling out with my partner yesterday. I now realise that when we fall out, I have to take a few minutes to think: "what am I feeling and why and is this feeling really about what is happening now or is it trauma related? And if it is trauma related, I need to resolve that and not put that on my partner.". It's complicated and needs thinking through. But it's my responsibility to do that. Otherwise , I'm being emotionally manipulative to my partner, at worst, and at best, confusing the hell out of her because the situation doesn't warrant my reaction. Neither of which are fair on her.
He was in therapy, going to church, and started coaching soccer...
Now that covid happened, I’m not too sure if he’s been consistent in his treatment.

He knows I’m sorry, but his mind thinks “you say you didn't mean it. But the fact is, you did mean it. You just regret it.”

For now his stress cup can’t handle anything that has to do with our relationship. He has a meeting in Oregon this weekend and said he’s trying to focus on work and that. So I’ve been giving him space this week.
 
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