Hi. I’m new here.
In the last few days after a major anxiety attack and mental health episode I decided to take steps to learn more about how to deal with my Childhood Trauma from Bullying and alcoholic family members. I learned about CPTSD and learned about the term hyper-vigilance.
I wanted to describe my situation in hopes that folks might have some clarity to shed on this for me and maybe help find some resources to assess it directly and proactively.
I was the victim of about 9 years of intense bullying from the ages of 4 to about 13. While I won’t go into the story of that too much I will say that for years I’ve been trying to cope with it. For years I’ve thought that I had kicked it with meditation, yoga, self medicating, intermittent therapy, self help books. Well in the last six months to a year I have realized that I don’t think I’m even close. I recently started overreacting to minor challenges in conversation with colleagues, friends and my partner. They were like things that I’d just get really tight and reactionary about. But the other day I had a huge panic attack/episode of anger that found me shouting and crying and hyperventilating over a single comment someone made to me about being late to an event. I was convinced that this person was attacking me verbally and unfairly characterizing me. And I ended up creating a major rift with this person, which led to where I am now, depressed, anxious and looking for help.
So I learned about this hyper-vigilance and how it seems to include being on guard for an “attack” and also maybe miscomprehending and overreacting to small things. This has happened to me over my lifetime in my workplace, with friends and with partners. I get extremely anxious and upset thinking I’m being ridiculed and find myself basically ruining the relationship or my reputation and either quitting/getting fired or breaking up with someone.
It had been several years since this has happened to me until this past weekend. And this time I looked through the event, recounted the dialogue as it began via text before becoming a phone and in person thing. As I looked at it a day or so later I began to realize that how I had initially interpreted the dialogue was completely wrong and my reaction was not at all appropriate to the situation. It was like I invented much if it, and the little that was critical of me certainly didn’t warrant a major blow up. In any case now I’m looking at possibly ruining another relationship at an age and time in my life when it seems like I should long be over this. It’s pretty sad. And I want to address and repair this part of me.
I don’t know with limited resources and a lot of trouble finding a therapist if I’ll be successful. But I’m sure it’s CPTSD at the wheel and I believe this hyper-vigilance aspect of that is making me a hair trigger for overreacting and screwing things up, not to mention major avoidance of anything that I’m anxious about, even good things, job interviews, events, new friendships.
In the last few days after a major anxiety attack and mental health episode I decided to take steps to learn more about how to deal with my Childhood Trauma from Bullying and alcoholic family members. I learned about CPTSD and learned about the term hyper-vigilance.
I wanted to describe my situation in hopes that folks might have some clarity to shed on this for me and maybe help find some resources to assess it directly and proactively.
I was the victim of about 9 years of intense bullying from the ages of 4 to about 13. While I won’t go into the story of that too much I will say that for years I’ve been trying to cope with it. For years I’ve thought that I had kicked it with meditation, yoga, self medicating, intermittent therapy, self help books. Well in the last six months to a year I have realized that I don’t think I’m even close. I recently started overreacting to minor challenges in conversation with colleagues, friends and my partner. They were like things that I’d just get really tight and reactionary about. But the other day I had a huge panic attack/episode of anger that found me shouting and crying and hyperventilating over a single comment someone made to me about being late to an event. I was convinced that this person was attacking me verbally and unfairly characterizing me. And I ended up creating a major rift with this person, which led to where I am now, depressed, anxious and looking for help.
So I learned about this hyper-vigilance and how it seems to include being on guard for an “attack” and also maybe miscomprehending and overreacting to small things. This has happened to me over my lifetime in my workplace, with friends and with partners. I get extremely anxious and upset thinking I’m being ridiculed and find myself basically ruining the relationship or my reputation and either quitting/getting fired or breaking up with someone.
It had been several years since this has happened to me until this past weekend. And this time I looked through the event, recounted the dialogue as it began via text before becoming a phone and in person thing. As I looked at it a day or so later I began to realize that how I had initially interpreted the dialogue was completely wrong and my reaction was not at all appropriate to the situation. It was like I invented much if it, and the little that was critical of me certainly didn’t warrant a major blow up. In any case now I’m looking at possibly ruining another relationship at an age and time in my life when it seems like I should long be over this. It’s pretty sad. And I want to address and repair this part of me.
I don’t know with limited resources and a lot of trouble finding a therapist if I’ll be successful. But I’m sure it’s CPTSD at the wheel and I believe this hyper-vigilance aspect of that is making me a hair trigger for overreacting and screwing things up, not to mention major avoidance of anything that I’m anxious about, even good things, job interviews, events, new friendships.