Hi whoever reads. I have possible PTSD (as per psychiatrist) linked with my ADHD type and being undiagnosed all my life.
My first serious "forever" relationship, took place around 18-21ish years old. I have always been a very loyal, bonding person and when this relationship became abusive (emotional, sexual, bordering physical) I would rationalize and fantasize, especially about the person 'coming around'.
A year after the mutual breakup, I met my husband and have been together since. At the beginning I would have sexual flashbacks when things were intimate, but they would feel amazing because sex was a weapon in the past. I would also have dreams of abuser and new partner becoming the same person.
All of that made sense, but here's the rub... It's been near 10y with husband now and today, my birthday of all days, I have recurring dreams where my past painful relationships or the abuser himself, become the perfect version of themselves like the old fantasies. And these fantasies conflict with the current states of my marriage.
I wake up disturbed that I still manipulate myself into hope with these past men and hopeless that they will ever stop. I also disgusting for comparing the abuse of my past as positive compared to my life with my husband now.
I do love my husband beyond words, but I am so afraid knowing these dreams would cause him pain or to distance from me, but u know the dreams are fake, that these men could not ever compare to my husband.
I HATE this and now feel it's ruined my birthday.
Has anyone ever experienced something similar,
My first serious "forever" relationship, took place around 18-21ish years old. I have always been a very loyal, bonding person and when this relationship became abusive (emotional, sexual, bordering physical) I would rationalize and fantasize, especially about the person 'coming around'.
A year after the mutual breakup, I met my husband and have been together since. At the beginning I would have sexual flashbacks when things were intimate, but they would feel amazing because sex was a weapon in the past. I would also have dreams of abuser and new partner becoming the same person.
All of that made sense, but here's the rub... It's been near 10y with husband now and today, my birthday of all days, I have recurring dreams where my past painful relationships or the abuser himself, become the perfect version of themselves like the old fantasies. And these fantasies conflict with the current states of my marriage.
I wake up disturbed that I still manipulate myself into hope with these past men and hopeless that they will ever stop. I also disgusting for comparing the abuse of my past as positive compared to my life with my husband now.
I do love my husband beyond words, but I am so afraid knowing these dreams would cause him pain or to distance from me, but u know the dreams are fake, that these men could not ever compare to my husband.
I HATE this and now feel it's ruined my birthday.
Has anyone ever experienced something similar,
