Childhood Is it possible I was sexually abused when I was younger and don’t remember?

Bailey123

New Here
I’m 15 at the moment and since the age of about 11 I’ve had a feeling deep down that was abused, but I remember absolutely nothing. I have very few memories before the age of 11. Some of the reasons I think it might have happened are-

- I have fantasy’s about being raped
- I have had sex with an older man
- I would have sex with just about anyone because I think it’s the only way someone would love me or care about me
- but after I have sex I feel disgusted with myself and some of the times I feel completely numb for days afterwards
-there have been a few times when my boyfriend was on top of me and I just freaked out and had a panic attack
- I have selfharmed since age 12 and have bad depression and other mental health problems
- I used to be terrified to sleep in my own bed till age 11


As I said I don’t have many memories from childhood, but the only guy I remember being around was my uncle. He went to jail the day after I was born. Then he got out when I was 5 I think. He went back a few months after and hasn’t gotten out yet. I don’t remember, but my mother has told me that my grandmother let him take me out and hang out with me against my mothers wishes. She also said he used to give me money and stuff.

Honestly I’m not sure what I’m expecting anyone to say on here because no one here can tell me for sure if anything happened. But I guess I’m just wondering if it’s a possibility?
 

NoWhereKnowWhere

MyPTSD Pro
I’d point out that there’s no doubt you've been sexually assaulted.
I have had sex with an older man
I’m 15 at the moment
You’re under the age of consent and literally a child. That 👆🏻IS csa. The definition if you will. Children cannot consent.

As for there being other things you don’t remember yes it is possible. I’d also point out. Not only men SA children. Do you have a therapist or anyway of getting one?
 
N

Nikki tha Badazz

Bailey, I had the same issue. Everyone I've talked to therapists, police and doctors seemed to think my concerns were most likely real. That was seven years ago. As the years went by I've had flashbacks where I fully experience a rape as though it were happening, but from when I was 7. It was my dad. Apparently we can block out trauma memories...actually I've heard that our brains can actually pause the recording until the trauma is over so we never actually experience it or have a memory. Sometimes we just close our eyes too and never really store a visual memory. Sometimes they drugged me too, using ketamine etc and that can become like a blackout.

Number one, learn to breath and sit calmly to end panic attacks. Know that no matter what may have happened, it wasn't your fault, and it will be ok. You will recover fully, and be stronger than ever.

But I highly recommend never seeing the uncle again. My abuser came back into my life many years later and essentially destroyed my life and career using social media and slander etc. But again, he was my father and for some reason our society tends to allow parents to get away with alot.

If I were you, I'd get paperwork ready for a restraining order long before he gets out of jail. Have it all filled out as much as possible because if he starts harassing or intimidating you, it makes it hard to think and do paperwork. If its filled out mostly, all you gotta do is list 3 things they do to harrass or stalk or intimidate you and voila.

This may seem extreme, but in the case that he did commit a crime against you, you are probably the only witness. And he will not want to go back to jail, so annoying and intimidating you may be his best option to silence you and protect himself. In my case, once this happens theres not much you can do without a restraining order. It gives you SO much power to have that in place.

Again, just in case...

If your life ever gets completely out of control, start studying the bible and go to church and ask for support, but dont trust anyone too much, just ask for support & prayer. The most important part for me has been faith that people like us are on some kind of mission and it's important. It may sound wierd, but I'd never been to church until I absolutely needed to...literally I was starving. And I walked out the first day with $140 and food and new friends, and 9 month later a christian gave me an amazing mobile home. He just didnt want it anymore, and it was crazy...it had 8k miles on it and it was actually fancy!!! He gave it to me for free and I've been surfing and living the dream ever since. Unreal right? But somehow faith saved my ass. RV's by the way, and Van's, etc are a great escape pod for people who need to just get away and travel and move often. I never get a better nights sleep than in a van or RV cause I know no one knows where I am, and I'm not dependent on anyone. It's actually a freaking amazing feeling!

You will be okay. You are so strong to face this at 15. Stay patient and positive. God bless you big time!!! Xo
 
P

Paula

I’m 15 at the moment and since the age of about 11 I’ve had a feeling deep down that was abused, but I remember absolutely nothing. I have very few memories before the age of 11. Some of the reasons I think it might have happened are-

- I have fantasy’s about being raped
- I have had sex with an older man
- I would have sex with just about anyone because I think it’s the only way someone would love me or care about me
- but after I have sex I feel disgusted with myself and some of the times I feel completely numb for days afterwards
-there have been a few times when my boyfriend was on top of me and I just freaked out and had a panic attack
- I have selfharmed since age 12 and have bad depression and other mental health problems
- I used to be terrified to sleep in my own bed till age 11


As I said I don’t have many memories from childhood, but the only guy I remember being around was my uncle. He went to jail the day after I was born. Then he got out when I was 5 I think. He went back a few months after and hasn’t gotten out yet. I don’t remember, but my mother has told me that my grandmother let him take me out and hang out with me against my mothers wishes. She also said he used to give me money and stuff.

Honestly I’m not sure what I’m expecting anyone to say on here because no one here can tell me for sure if anything happened. But I guess I’m just wondering if it’s a possibility?
Most of the time when one is being abused,we tend to totally shut down and dissociate our feelings. Its become a safe place for slot of people,cause your too over whelmed,to face the truth. My Therapist, keeps telling me that dissociation is not a way to live.So unpacking the trauma is a way to heal. EMDR helps tremendously, although hard to get through at times.
 
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