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Relationship Is It Too Much To Ask For An Apology?

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Sweetpea76

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I understand that lashing out behavior is a symptom, and it is going to happen sometimes. I know that my sufferer wouldn't normally speak to me in that matter. I understand the healthiest way to handle it is to not engage and not take it personally.

The thing is, sometimes the stuff he says is pretty hurtful, and I don't care how rhino-hided you are, it is going to hurt your feelings. I don't tolerate name calling, but that doesn't stop him from saying mean things. His favorite thing to do lately is to treat me like I am stupid. Telling me I must be stupid, act like a "retard" (a word I disdain), I'm not bright enough to do XYZ, etc. He will also "mansplain" things to me in a snarky way which aggravates the shit out of me. I know generally he doesn't think I am stupid, and I know damn sure he wouldn't want to go compare college transcripts or IQ scores. He only does it when he is not managing his stressors.

Shouldn't he at least apologize for some of that mess aver he calms down? He used to be better about it when we were first together, but now it seems like he has the attitude that it's just what he does when he is stressed, and if I get my "panties in a wad" over it, then it's my problem.

The honeymoon is over I reckon.

So is it too much to ask for an apology after your sufferer lashes out? Or do you just let it go?
 
I think it is effective to study the parts of an apology that assist in making it authentic. Once you are clear as to what it is that might allow you peace, then perhaps post it on the frig to warm him up to the timely discussion in the future when things are less heated.

Some say there are three main parts, some experts offer 5 parts. For example:
http://www.iliketoquote.com/a-good-...ts-my-fault-3-what-can-i-do-to-make-it-right/

Voicing a concern for the name calling is very important to self respect and declaring your boundaries for you to hear. How he follows through however, once you offer is up to him.

I.am.sorry. I know how this can hurt. :hug:
 
Mmm - this sounds awfully familiar! I remember on one occasion I almost ran out of fuel (new car - first 'half' of the tank held up well - then went from 1/4 full to red light empty in under 20km!) and he yelled at me and said "If you don't want me to call you retarded stop acting like you're retarded".

I used to sometimes ask for an apology and thanks to his dissociation my vet often has no recollection of ever saying such a thing. Sometimes bringing it up again triggers him again and he gets riled up all over again. I just let it go now.
 
Sorry you have to put up with this, it really sucks. Hugs if you want them!

My guy doesn't lash out and say mean things (although we call each other retards - in jest - all the time!), BUT he is very guilty of what I call "Benign Neglect." While it is rare for him to actively do or say something truly horrible, his almost continuous lack of attention/affection/awareness of my needs, his irritability, lack of support when I'm struggling, etc, etc, is really not fun to live with, day in, day out. Usually the only time he even appears to notice my needs is when I've had enough, and I chuck a bit of a tanty! Yeah, we both need to work on that part of our relationship...!

I don't expect him to apologise, per se, but SOME acknowledgement that he is a difficult person to live with, would go a loooong way.

But, it hasn't happened yet, so I won't hold my breath!

In my opinion, lashing out and name calling definitely warrants an apology, as well as an undertaking to work harder on this part of his recovery. I hope he steps up for you.
 
"If you don't want me to call you retarded stop acting like you're retarded".

Wow, this sounds a lot like the conversation I had with my brother about his wife recently. He suffers from depression and does not have any effective coping strategies for dealing with stress. He has twin toddlers and his wife is admittedly very indulgent with them, with the result that they misbehave sometimes. He mentioned that he tells his wife how stupid she is for not understanding how to treat them so they behave. We ended up having an argument because I told him that it is NEVER okay for him to tell his wife she is stupid. His counter was "But she IS stupid!" I told him he was only making things worse and he needed to find another - constructive! - way to deal with the situation. I could not believe how horrible and unreasonable he was being. I have no idea if he listened to a word I said, I can only hope he thought about it afterwards and realised that his behaviour is unacceptable. So I can go some way to understanding how frustrating this must be for you girls, @Sweetpea76 and @Sighs. You are both very tough chicks :)
 
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Part of it wonders if there isn't a little intimidation going on... I'm educated and decently successful, and I believe @Sighs is as well. Maybe strong women are intimidating... I'd rather think that than think that I am a "retard" for packing his suitcase incorrectly. :O_o:
 
Of course he should apologise. He may not be reacting rationally in that moment, but he should understand afterwards that he was out of order.

If he doesn't think he was out of order, then it's the man you need to question rather than the PTSD.

It is different if dissociation is involved, as they can't remember/don't realise what they've done.
 
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