Is it useful at all to dwell on why it happened? It's affecting romantic relationships.

rumor18894

Learning
I keep running into this problem with relationships where I feel like the only thing that they are after is my body or my appearance. Even when they are interested in my other qualities, it always seems as if it's because these qualities are useful to them. Nobody seems to figure out that my ambitions in life often keep me from prioritizing them, but at the same time I feel like this thinking i flawed.

I don't make the jump to prioritize them; have never really felt the need to jump in front of a bullet or become emotional that this person loves me. I feel like I can't love anyone. And a large part of that is because I dont trust them to love me (which I characterize as knowing, really knowing, me).

I caught my previous partner staring at me once and when I asked why, he said it was because I was talking about something I was interested in and it lit up my face. That just seemed too cliche to me, like he was acting out lines in a play and it was his cue to act happy.

Anyways, I think a lot of the issue about me not believing that anyone can be interested in me as a person stems from this idea that I have that my brother must have been attracted to me and that's why he did it. I don't think it was a power thing - there was no force involved, just sneaking around touching me until I woke up. He never explained why he did it, though he's apologized multiple times and even said that he was ashamed of his behavior to the point that he was suicidal (giant grain of salt there lol). There was emotional neglect in the family but I doubt he was looking for comfort in me when I was the one who cared about him the least (being a bratty little sister). Also the previous train of thought leaves a bad taste in my mouth, as if he wouldnt have done it if I had been nicer to him (blech). So all I can come back to is that he was sexually excited by something and decided to act it out on me. And I'm also wondering if it's even something I should be dwelling on. Obviously, it's affecting my relationships but how do I stop wondering if the only thing people see in me is my appearance without trying to figure out once and for all why my brother did it? I feel like if I knew it was something else, I would be able to break this leash. But at the same time, I dont want my self image linked to what he thought of me when he was 13 and horny. I don't know how to peel off this shroud >.>
 
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Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry that happened to you.
Do you have a T?

Your brother should never have done that to you.
Trying to work out why someone does that? I don't know if you will get answers? Unless he tells you (and you believe his response), it's always going to be a guessing game?
One of the people who abused me was a child (all mine was outside the family). I can only think he did it because he was abused himself. Something, at least, must havr been happening to him. But I don't know.

Why your brother did it, doesn't make any of it your fault. Nothing about you made it happen. Nothing about you is responsible. It's really really believing that which might help free you. But this is where a T might help.

And then it's learning the complicated process of trust in intimate relationships...again where a T may help.
 

rumor18894

Learning
I'm sorry that happened to you.
Do you have a T?

Your brother should never have done that to you.
Trying to work out why someone does that? I don't know if you will get answers? Unless he tells you (and you believe his response), it's always going to be a guessing game?
One of the people who abused me was a child (all mine was outside the family). I can only think he did it because he was abused himself. Something, at least, must havr been happening to him. But I don't know.

Why your brother did it, doesn't make any of it your fault. Nothing about you made it happen. Nothing about you is responsible. It's really really believing that which might help free you. But this is where a T might help.

And then it's learning the complicated process of trust in intimate relationships...again where a T may help.
People keep suggesting I get a T here lmao its always the first thing people assume, that I dont have a T lol but Ive been seeing a T for 3 years now 😅
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
People keep suggesting I get a T here lmao its always the first thing people assume, that I dont have a T lol but Ive been seeing a T for 3 years now 😅
Sorry! Don't know why I assumed that.

Do you and your T talk about blame and responsibilities? It felt like a bit of a break through for me to shift the blame of what happened from me to others. It helped me to start to see me as a person and assess things differently (still all a work in progress). Don't know if that would resonate with you or not.
 
R

rdd

You may never learn the "why." Trying to figure it out could cause you to come up with many different reasons and all of them could be wrong. Some things happen to us in life where there just aren't any answers. We all have internal problems (anxiety, fear, anger, depression, etc.) and we all have external problems (this could be anything that happens outside of the body like being in a traffic jam, missing a flight, overdue bill.) Your mind is wonderful at solving external problems. External problems can be solved and they go away. When trying to solve an internal problem (emotional), the mind is not equipped at solving them. Using your mind to solve an internal problem only makes it worse because the information that it provides to you can be very misleading. Thinking causes us to ruminate and this causes the problem to magnify. You have to get distance from your problem so that you can look at it objectively. Be aware of the problem without thinking about it. This means "do not engage"/"do not ask why this is happening."

Sit down, quiet yourself, relax and breathe deeply as you have to get some "peace." Thinking about this internal problem will only keep it alive which causes it to fester, to become worse and eventually you are thinking about it all the time. The secret is to not engage. This is how you keep your distance and you are able to look at things in a more accepting way. Thinking about what your brother did to you is not going to help your situation. When the thought comes up, you need to remind yourself that you are not a victim and that you are no longer going to get caught up in the drams. Unfortunately, there are many wonderful people out there that are not just interested in sex and beauty. It may take some time. Never rush into sex in a relationship because so many relationships thrive because of the sex. This is obviously very shallow and it won't sustain a relationship. Someone that truly cares about you will be willing to wait for sex.
 
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grief

Sponsor
I caught my previous partner staring at me once and when I asked why, he said it was because I was talking about something I was interested in and it lit up my face. That just seemed too cliche to me, like he was acting out lines in a play and it was his cue to act happy.
i relate with this type of paranoia as well. the idea that no one could really be interested in me for any reason other than using me. it has taken a long time to come to terms with the fact that very often my paranoia and self-loathing can twist itself around to being harmful to others. there has never been a time that i said "i can't believe my husband loves me. what the f*ck is wrong with him?" and he's been like "wow. that feels really great. i am really happy with this experience." 😆

So all I can come back to is that he was sexually excited by something and decided to act it out on me. And I'm also wondering if it's even something I should be dwelling on.
it isn't. though i do understand the urge to do so. these experiences become engrained in us. stuck. repetitions and clockwork again and again. that is the nature of trauma at its core. the memories formed are not ordinary.

the reasons for his behavior are less relevant. than that he acted upon them. the sickness is with him. not with you. you say that what he did was not a power trip because it was not forceful. force does not always need to be physical. coercion is a form of power. just as insidious. it was not because he was horny and decided that would be fun. it was calculated and deliberate. he knew what he was doing was wrong.

the fact that he brings up suicide when discussing it years later is evidence of that. that is a very manipulative tactic designed to make you feel sorry for him. my advice is do not fall for it.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
Going with @grief here. He might have remorse but it shouldn't be your job. What's done is done.

I have weird paranoias too. I don't think people are even capable of seeing me for what I am. So I remain in that sort of ghost space with my world of thoughts. They can touch me if they want. It's as if I were an external statue.

This isn't continuous though. But I understand that what happened, plus in general how sexism works in life... Causes that. Many times I had nice conversations with men and when they realised I had a boyfriend, they vanished. Many don't want to be friends.

But there are many good people around. Being pleased by your face lighting up because you're enthusiastic? It is beautiful to see someone you love being happy. It sounds phony because I think because it's just true for almost everyone.

And some people are really capable of love in the sense they like you being free like a flower in a field. Appreciating and not possessing. Flowers contibue living when not picked.
 
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