coco-kitty
Bronze Member
Dear diary,
I know it is a very taboo thing to share in any way, shape or form but I strongly dislike my mother. For the past twenty-four years of my life, I have never felt loved by her, which may be why I feel so much disgust and resentment towards her, because I now acknowledge that this is not normal.
She's always talking about herself, yet I don't know anything substantial about her. She's got so much unresolved trauma which stems from being the last child in a large family (14 children total!) with old parents. She also has TERRIBLE self-esteem issues which she compensates by being egotistical.
I have always loved reading and learning new things. I was able to read books at age five and started learning about mythology in the following years. Yet, I could never talk about it because my mother thought I was trying to outsmart everybody, her especially. She thinks I view her as an uncultured idiot, because I've got a master's degree in literature when she's "only" got the lowest diploma in my country. I was A CHILD.
Sometimes, she'd hit my head with a wooden spoon, because she "felt like it" (her words).
Sometimes, when we were away on holiday, she'd forget me in some place because I was very quiet (OBVIOUSLY because I was never allowed to talk).
She's still controlling my money despite me being 24 and telling her that I can do it.
At home, we don't talk when eating dinner because she thinks we're mocking her.
She only works one day a week, yet I'm treated as the lazy one when I'm working to jobs from Monday to Sunday.
She's always thinks of herself as the unhappiest, the unluckiest, the worst and the best person in this world at the same time.
A week ago or so, she bluntly told me that I have mental health issues. Not in a helpful way. She's ashamed of my depression, anxiety and OCD, because it's a bad look on her. She wants to live in a perfect world where I don't have issues which would mean that there's nothing wrong in her own wonderful life. No one at home is allowed to feel sad, tired or burnt out. A few years ago, my dad dislocated his shoulder and three years ago he burnt out because he works too much and my mother forces him to sleep on the couch. She is disgusted by him because stress made him gain weight. She cheats on him as well, with a married man.
She needs to control everything yet I've been abandoned quite early. She still buys my 17 year-old sister clothes, when I had to buy mine from age 12 onwards. Yet, she's always complaining that I spend too much money.
She's convinced that every job I get is thanks to her.
Needless to say that she was pissed that I didn't stay home for the first lockdown period and that she was the last one to know I started seeing a psychiatrist and taking meds (paroxetine).
I've never been good enough for her. Why ? Does she see herself in me ?
I've no idea.
This is only the general picture.
I could talk about the fact that when I was seventeen and studying for my baccalauréat (A-levels / SAT), I forgot to make lunch so she decided to stop feeding me.
I felt so bad I was ready to throw myself under a car to make amend for being such a bad daughter.
She forbade me from consulting a therapist.
She always wanted me to be the skinniest kid.
Now, I take care of my mental health and don't hesitate to tell her to piss off if need be - which is too often.
I'm not ashamed of my depression and anxiety anymore.
All I ever wanted was to be loved by my mother. It's not likely I will ever get what I needed.
With love,
Coco
I know it is a very taboo thing to share in any way, shape or form but I strongly dislike my mother. For the past twenty-four years of my life, I have never felt loved by her, which may be why I feel so much disgust and resentment towards her, because I now acknowledge that this is not normal.
She's always talking about herself, yet I don't know anything substantial about her. She's got so much unresolved trauma which stems from being the last child in a large family (14 children total!) with old parents. She also has TERRIBLE self-esteem issues which she compensates by being egotistical.
I have always loved reading and learning new things. I was able to read books at age five and started learning about mythology in the following years. Yet, I could never talk about it because my mother thought I was trying to outsmart everybody, her especially. She thinks I view her as an uncultured idiot, because I've got a master's degree in literature when she's "only" got the lowest diploma in my country. I was A CHILD.
Sometimes, she'd hit my head with a wooden spoon, because she "felt like it" (her words).
Sometimes, when we were away on holiday, she'd forget me in some place because I was very quiet (OBVIOUSLY because I was never allowed to talk).
She's still controlling my money despite me being 24 and telling her that I can do it.
At home, we don't talk when eating dinner because she thinks we're mocking her.
She only works one day a week, yet I'm treated as the lazy one when I'm working to jobs from Monday to Sunday.
She's always thinks of herself as the unhappiest, the unluckiest, the worst and the best person in this world at the same time.
A week ago or so, she bluntly told me that I have mental health issues. Not in a helpful way. She's ashamed of my depression, anxiety and OCD, because it's a bad look on her. She wants to live in a perfect world where I don't have issues which would mean that there's nothing wrong in her own wonderful life. No one at home is allowed to feel sad, tired or burnt out. A few years ago, my dad dislocated his shoulder and three years ago he burnt out because he works too much and my mother forces him to sleep on the couch. She is disgusted by him because stress made him gain weight. She cheats on him as well, with a married man.
She needs to control everything yet I've been abandoned quite early. She still buys my 17 year-old sister clothes, when I had to buy mine from age 12 onwards. Yet, she's always complaining that I spend too much money.
She's convinced that every job I get is thanks to her.
Needless to say that she was pissed that I didn't stay home for the first lockdown period and that she was the last one to know I started seeing a psychiatrist and taking meds (paroxetine).
I've never been good enough for her. Why ? Does she see herself in me ?
I've no idea.
This is only the general picture.
I could talk about the fact that when I was seventeen and studying for my baccalauréat (A-levels / SAT), I forgot to make lunch so she decided to stop feeding me.
I felt so bad I was ready to throw myself under a car to make amend for being such a bad daughter.
She forbade me from consulting a therapist.
She always wanted me to be the skinniest kid.
Now, I take care of my mental health and don't hesitate to tell her to piss off if need be - which is too often.
I'm not ashamed of my depression and anxiety anymore.
All I ever wanted was to be loved by my mother. It's not likely I will ever get what I needed.
With love,
Coco