BlurryFace123
New Here
Why can’t I accept help without fearing that the person is annoyed and will leave? I have struggled with this concept a lot over the years following the trauma but today something clicked in my head- and it’s left me feeling defeated and scared for NO reason.
A little context:
I had worked a 12 hour shift here in KY overnight- the tornadoes that came through had struck a town less than 20 minutes away from my place of work. People had perished in that storm. Now, I watch over individuals in a single household so it was just me up with all this responsibility while also being absolutely terrified.
I somehow held it together and got us all safety sheltered in the bathrooms- morning came and we were thankfully ok as well as the house too. But when I went home at lunch time I noticed every single sensation was dialed to 20, my boyfriend guided me through a lengthy panic attack and I soon realized I was sleeping in his arms.
Upon the realization I profusely started to apologize and since then (even after his constant reassurance) have been worried sick. What if he’s sick of this? Of me? He has to think I’m weak, that I’m too much. A broken record. This situation happens too often- usually over the assaults and past.
I’m so scared he is going to leave- but he hasn’t shown any sign of leaving. Yet my brain is certain I will be left, he’s my world- but I just know I’ll lose him. I’m going to be alone again. I’m trying so hard to follow through with taking my meds, going to therapy once a week- it’s just not enough.
Is this a normal feeling?
The feeling of fear over losing someone because of your disorders?
The fear of trying hard but ending up just running in place?
The feelings of shame and guilt because it seems like your disorder is your personality?
A little context:
I had worked a 12 hour shift here in KY overnight- the tornadoes that came through had struck a town less than 20 minutes away from my place of work. People had perished in that storm. Now, I watch over individuals in a single household so it was just me up with all this responsibility while also being absolutely terrified.
I somehow held it together and got us all safety sheltered in the bathrooms- morning came and we were thankfully ok as well as the house too. But when I went home at lunch time I noticed every single sensation was dialed to 20, my boyfriend guided me through a lengthy panic attack and I soon realized I was sleeping in his arms.
Upon the realization I profusely started to apologize and since then (even after his constant reassurance) have been worried sick. What if he’s sick of this? Of me? He has to think I’m weak, that I’m too much. A broken record. This situation happens too often- usually over the assaults and past.
I’m so scared he is going to leave- but he hasn’t shown any sign of leaving. Yet my brain is certain I will be left, he’s my world- but I just know I’ll lose him. I’m going to be alone again. I’m trying so hard to follow through with taking my meds, going to therapy once a week- it’s just not enough.
Is this a normal feeling?
The feeling of fear over losing someone because of your disorders?
The fear of trying hard but ending up just running in place?
The feelings of shame and guilt because it seems like your disorder is your personality?