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Is there any point in reporting?

Discussion in 'Sexual Assault' started by Eliza, Apr 13, 2018.

  1. Eliza

    Eliza Active Member

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    So, over a year ago I was seeing this guy, and on our first date I got incredibly drunk and he had to escort me home. I remember saying 'please don't have sex with me because I'm too drunk to say no'.

    He did it anyway. I just guessed that I was too drunk and that I had consented without realising, and I carried on seeing the guy because he seemed really nice. But the more I think about it, and with the whole 'me too' consent movement that's been happening - I realise I didn't consent, I was practically unconscious.

    Anyway - we broke up a short time later, and I sort of got over it. I've been on a few dates, but I haven't slept with anyone since, as I now find it hard to trust - is it a passionate kiss, or is it an attack? Etc. And he got in touch again recently, which have brought back all those feelings of anger and humiliation.

    I considered reporting it, but the guy is very wealthy. Like - will find the best lawyers and I am 99% sure I will end up humiliated in court (if it even goes that far).

    I don't know what to do. Is it worth reporting? I know it's the right thing to do. Even if it's just so he knows that what he did isn't ok. Because he's basically a spoiled, rich white boy who thinks he's untouchable.

    On the one hand, I have texts on my phone because I lost him on a train when I was going to the loo (I walked up and down the train and couldn't find him because I was so drunk).

    On the other hand, it was so long ago that I will look petty, and I have basically no evidence, so it's my word against his.

    What are your thoughts? Honestly. I know reporting is "the right thing to do", but also, I don't want to put myself through all of that if nothing will change.
     
    AliciaEff likes this.
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  3. Mee

    Mee Well-Known Member

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    I would talk to a rape advocate to get the best advice for you.

    I reported knowing there was little chance of a trial. the reason I did this was so that the police had my evidence should anyone else report my violator; to help another victim of the same person and so that if someone else reported together we could prevent a future victim. The chances are small, because as you gave felt yourself, many feel it's not worth reporting, but not impossible. It's my hope more and more of us will report so that things have to change
     
    AliciaEff likes this.
  4. Sietz

    Sietz Well-Known Member

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    Unconventional reply here... A similar thing happened to me, twice actually. I didn't report it, mainly because in my country and especially back then, girls who were abused weren't seen in a good light and the guys never got sentences. Nowadays it's a bit better, but it's still a terrible process and we're never sure things will go in the right direction. So it might be the right thing to do, but it doesn't stop them from coming after us afterwards either. One of my abusers was a very dangerous guy and honestly I was scared. 15 years later he came to check up on me, just to be sure I wasn't saying anything.
    The other guy who abused me made sure that I lost all credibility.

    Things are not like in the movies, with happy endings. What I learned is that there are very dangerous people out there. If I can save myself from more trauma, I will.

    Sorry if it's not what is supposed to be said, guys. I think society is evolving slowly, maybe in 50 years we can be taken more seriously.
     
    scout86, Eliza, EveHarrington and 2 others like this.
  5. Mee

    Mee Well-Known Member

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    I don’t think it's changed that much. I don’t think women are seen as badly but I don’t think prosecution is very frequent


    The important thing is to do what is right. For you.
     
  6. Sweetleaf

    Sweetleaf Well-Known Member

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    Most importantly: do what you feel is right for you. If you want to go and file a report? Go and do it, don't let us or other people stop you. If that's what you think you need to do for healing, do it.

    However, there is also no need at all to go and file a report. It's not something that you -have- to put yourself through. It's not a requirement. You can go the rest of your life never reporting it, and there is nothing wrong with that, because this shit is hard and nobody should have to go through that process if they don't want to.

    I personally just want it all to go away. I have evidence, I have a lot that would be going for me if I were to report him - but I am too afraid. I am afraid of him trying to get revenge in some form, I'm afraid of the process. I don't want to be in the same room as him ever again. I don't want to go through all of the things he did, with the cops, and then in court, and all of that stuff. I just want it to go away. It's hard, because I know that he's probably already gotten himself another victim. He's free to go and abuse others, maybe more people will have to suffer from this shit I have to live with, because he is allowed to be free.

    It's hard to deal with knowing that he's free - but it's also very scary to think about filing a report and having to go through all of that - and who knows what will even happen. He probably would have at least some charges stick, but even if everything stuck he'd still be free eventually. He's young enough. He'd get free and be very angry with me I am sure. He's a very revenge-minded "person"

    I'm open to eventually filing a report, but for now, it's just not something I can do, even though I would feel safer if he were locked up. It would be too hard and feels too risky.
     
    Eliza and Mee like this.
  7. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

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    ....even if you file a report, he may never even be notified. (Chances are...)
     
    Sietz and Mee like this.
  8. Mee

    Mee Well-Known Member

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    Things like this are so regional: It's why I urge a rape advocate ( in the area the assault occured). In lots of places if you do decide to report the rape advocate can attend with you. If this is possible I STRONGLY advise this from my experience.
     
    scout86 and Sietz like this.
  9. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

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    Well it only makes sense.

    Joe Blow is notified that Susie Sunflower has reported him for rape, but the cops won’t be moving forward with the case.

    Susie is now a further target.

    I’m glad I don’t live in a backwards jurisdiction that does this crap.
     
    Eliza, Mee and Sietz like this.
  10. Mee

    Mee Well-Known Member

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    If it IS investigated Joe Blow is interviewed. That doesn’t mean it necessarily goes forward to charges being made. I don’t know where you live, but that was my experience in the States. shrug.

    Susie can REPORT without wanting to push charges without Joe being told. As long as The rape /assault is not severe enough to be something the police are mandated to report to the DA ( which is what happened to me). After that interviews were taken with Joe blow. So joe kinda knew I ‘d tattled. I’m ok with that I think. Despite the cost to me, socially and trauma there is some chance it will deter my Joe blow ... I hope
     
  11. Sweetleaf

    Sweetleaf Well-Known Member

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    Reading this line (and your post) made my palms sweaty. The anxiety caused by even thinking about reporting him and having him get interviewed by cops, and everything, is too much. It's not like I want to just sit here and do nothing about it. I don't want to let him get away with what he did, but I can't do anything about it either. This is some bullshit; thanks PTSD.

    Because of what he did to me, and how badly it has affected me, he gets to just get away with it all. At least for now. He still gets plenty of time to traumatize others, regardless of what I do.
     
    Eliza and Mee like this.
  12. Mee

    Mee Well-Known Member

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    I’m sorry sweetleaf

    If it helps to know you aren’t alone I have been feeling it all day too.

    The regionality thing and being safe is why we cannot say, even knowing laws we went through, but also I know having an advocate seriously helped me. They helped with communication to the police and she broke the news my report could not only be a report.

    I just also want to say our suffering isn’t ALL our fault. Getting control of our PTSD is our responsibility but we didn’t do this to outselves. F*ck him and frankly fxck me. What I did and feel right for me doesn’t have to be right for YOU.

    Take care, wash your hands
     
  13. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

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    Not arguing with you even though you are dead set on arguing with me and proving me wrong.

    In many cases so far after the fact with no evidence, the report will be taken and the cops won’t even interview the accused. Hence, the accused is not notified. (I’ve lived this, personally.)
     
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