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Is There Anybody Who has Never had any Family or Spouse?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by purdyamos, Sep 23, 2006.

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  1. purdyamos

    purdyamos Active Member

    I keep trying to come on this website to try to find comfort, but over and over again I'm just slapped in the face by people referring to people who love them that are just there, and I have never ever had anybody who is just there, and I'm sick of being expected to cope in comparison to people who just have people there and who have had the experience of love. I would like this forum to have a special group of people who do not have, nor have ever had, spouses, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, children, who have had to cope totally alone and unloved, and I don't care how many times people say they have problems even though they've got someone who adores them. If you have NEVER experienced love, you CANNOT undrestand the ABSOLUTE isolation and social faschism that total victims have had to deal with. Anybody that has had loving arms around them, who has had someone want to be with them for more than the length of a ****, who have never had a single blood relative want to have a conversation with them or show even an ounce of warmth. This site just makes me sicker and sicker, because it seems orientated to people who already have love in their life, and people to look after them, as if that is normal. And the rest of us can just fester. Is there anybody at all who has literally never had anybody to love them or care if they are living or dead, because I'm reaching the end of the line, and every resource I try to feel included by just rubs my face in the shit more and more. I have earned the right to have people to love me. I have ****ing earned it. I've earned the right to have family members just handed to me on a plate who care about me. Most people do nothing whatsoever to earn it. Why isn't there a special section to people who have nobody. I will never feel normal as long as people insists that being loved is normal. I have spent 35 years earning the right to be loved andf there is no-one there, and everywhere on this site everyone goes on about their family as if it is normal. Are there any sites for people who have genuinely suffered total faschism, instead of merely partial?
    JM318 likes this.
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  3. Kims_Man

    Kims_Man Active Member

    Hi purdyamos,

    I see that you are seeking something that has yet not been established here. My suggestion is that you begin a thread directed to what you are looking for, with the expectation that there are others that feel the same as you. It could begin a true healing experience for those with the same life experiences that you have had..

    I would say that I am sorry for what you are going through, but it is obvious that you do not want to hear that, you are not into receiving pity from others. So I will only say that I hope you find what you are seeking, whether it is here, or on another site. You definately need to become a part of a support group, and as you have already identified what it is you are looking for, it would only make sense that you be an instrumental part of the formation of such a group.

    Good luck, and let us know if there is anything we can do for you.
  4. Miander

    Miander Active Member

    I was alone too

    Dear purdyamos -

    I really felt for you when I read your post. I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I do get that you are alone and unloved. I can tell you what happend to me and hopefully you can take some comfort from knowing my story too. I went through a deadly restaurant robbery where I lost a good friend and two others were also shot. I had been through many emotional, psychological and physical abuses before that, but this incident really set me off. After the robbery happened, I slowly lost all the "friends" that I had. My parents wouldn't even let me live in their house while I was on disability and afraid of the world. I went through a trial with know one at my side besides my lawyer, facing a litany of insurance lawyers who's contempt for me and my "disease" were palpable. SO many times I lay curled up in my bed, under the covers, wanting to die from the lonlieness and pain. I think there are more people out there that can relate to you if you let them. Maybe this can be your thread. I hope I was able to help in some small way.
  5. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    Purdy, who are you angry at? Me??? The world? Yourself? Am I going to create an area for people who have had nobody in their lives? No. Why? Because the board is not about loneliness, love, relationships or any other personal relationship and livelihood problems, the forum is about PTSD, and PTSD only. You have nobody as you state, others have family, children, etc etc. Why doesn't everybody have the right to talk about their family, their children, just as you do about being lonely? All I am seeing at the moment from you is frustration, which you are directing at the very people who want to help you and support you. What honestly gives? Do you think your now being a bit selfish? Your basically saying that people should not talk about their lives, the very lives that encompass their PTSD. If this is the case, you should not talk about your loneliness, the loneliness that encompasses your PTSD. Lets not be discriminatory please, lets keep with the facts of the forum, PTSD support for sufferers, spouses and family surrounding PTSD.

    This board covers relationships, which is very much an affected part within a sufferers life. Relationships mean, none, spouse, family, friends, etc etc. So you are already covered here... and to be honest, your directing your frustration and anger towards people who only want to help you. Honestly, your pissing up the wrong tree if you ask me.

    Absolutely agree. If you haven't experienced being stabbed, shot, beaten, verbally abused, cancer, etc etc etc, you CANNOT understand in totality. I am not disagreeing with you, but you can be frustrated about it, or you can fix it, heal yourself and find love for yourself. You are being your worst enemy at the moment to be honest, not anybody here Purdy.

    Again, this site is about PTSD and the lives surrounding PTSD. Nothing more, nothing less. Don't try and make it something it is not.

    Cannot disagree with you, and to be honest, every human being deserves to be loved, and has nothing to do with earning anything. Love cannot be earnt, it is given, it is taken, it is deserved, but certainly not earnt. Children deserve to be loved by their parents, they do not have to earn it. I don't disagree with you about the bad parents, and honestly I am all for making people be licensed to have children, just as you must to drive a car on the road with other people. Lets look at it; we get licensed to drive so we know a set off rules, and if all people obide by those rules, the chances of being hurt or killed by another on the road is slim. When a person throws those rules out the door, bad things happen. Some people are just not meant to be parents, and should need to go through a procedure to ensure they are mentally sound to cope, raise and provide the love that children need towards them, and not the current crap that occurs, the very crap you are now dealing with yourself.

    But I really disagree with your statement, "Most people do nothing whatsoever to earn it", because love should not be earnt, it is given or deserved, but certainly not earnt. Everybody deserves love, unfortunately not everybody gets it, or will accept it!

    Who says love has to do with normalicy here? What is normal? Who the hell says a person without PTSD is normal? How many people here have been abused by people who are classed as normal? Lots... so what exactly is normal? If your within a group of people, and you do as the group peer pressure demands, that could make you normal within that group, however; another group who have different views standing beside your group would then look in and say they are normal, and the other group is not. So, which group is normal? Neither... because normal is what you as an individual perceive it to be. If you believe normal is a house with white fence, spouse and two children, then that is normal too you, but too another, normal is no spouse, no kids and an apartment in the city close to pubs and clubs for nightly entertainment. You look at them and say abnormal, they look at you and say abnormal, but in fact your both normal as you perceive normal to be.
    JM318 likes this.
  6. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    This is what I am seeing and going to go out of my way not to take offence to those remarks. Considering my short fuse it is work!

    You make it very clear often one of your biggest issues is nobody around. OK. So that is your major point of frustration and the "why me?" we all get. Why did that one die, why was I raped, why was I almost killed, why was I tortured, why was my innocence robbed... All the why me we all get.

    But one benefit we mostly have here are families. What we all are guilty of, and I dare one of say we are not, is when we hit the bottom of the barrel emotionally and with what torments us and lash out who do we nail? Our spouse, those closest to us. So I think you having no one in your life and being angry about it and seeing us have it you hit the bottom and lashed out; at who? Those you know care about you and do what they can to support you, us... Your behavior is no different, you did lash out at your family and support system like we all do. Only difference I think is we get pissed about it faster because it is nature of PTSD to get easily upset.

    We are all not in this deep of a cess pool at all times, we do have bright moments. Mine today... I took a shower. It was so much for me to get up there and do. What about you typing about some of the ups in your life and what you did that was good? No matter how tiny, it is a step in the direction you need to go to start appreciating yourself, and once you can do that others can't help but appreciate you in return. You may not think a shower is something to party about, but I bet if you had to sit next to my depressed stinky ass you would!
  7. cdunny

    cdunny Active Member

    Dont mind the defensiveness Purdy as it comes with the territory of having PTSD. We all spout off at the mouth sometimes the minute someone says something that hits us the wrong way. You dont have anything to feel sorry about. You have the right to vent just the same as everyone else does. Just because you're not venting about something somebody else wants to hear doesnt give you any less of a right.

    Everyone else, please try to understand that Purdy is mearly expressing frustrations he/she is feeling, the same way we all do. The frustrations are just a little diferent because they stem from a diferent situation.

    I do have a family and I cant tell you I know how you feel. But I worked in a group home for at risk teens. The most heartbreaking thing I have ever had to see is a 14 year old girl break down in tears, knowing that there is no one that cares she is hurting. She was molested by her mother and mothers boyfriends as a small child, and was taken away by the age of 5. and in the next 9 years she had 18 different placements. From foster homes, to group homes, to detention centers, to mental hospitals and all over again. The worst is when she would have no where to go and they weould put her in a mental hospital or a detention center just because it was the only place with a bed. An 8 year old girl does not belong in a detention center simply because it is the only available bed. She was made fun of cause she was overweight. She had many personality disorders and almost no appropriate social skills. She was sexualy active and doing drugs whenever given the chance. She ran away many times. She was raped. Molested and starved in one foster home. She was even threatened sexualy by one of the police officers who picked her up. Afraid no one would believe her, she kept silent for months until the officer showed up at the house one day for another client, and she about lost it. During all this, she had no one to turn to. Not a friend, not a boyfriend, not a preacher, not a mother, father, grandparent, aunt, uncle, brother, sister, or even a diecent foster parent.

    So to watch this girl sit on her bed and break down in tears because the one person she thought was her friend called her a name, was absolutely dreadful. It wasnt about being called a name. When you have never felt love, its not about whats going on around you. Its about feeling that you have never been good enough to be loved. You cant "look on the bright side" when there has never been a bright side. You cant "suck it up" cause your too pissed off. You cant empathize with others because you have never experienced it yourself. Quite frankly it makes a person very lonely, and very bitter. My heart truely goes out to you, because I know what I saw in that young girls eyes was emptiness and hurt and there was nothing I could do to fix it. No drugs on the planet replace the basic human need for affection. I cant feel your pain. But I know what I felt that day sitting in that poor girls room. Im sorry that you have had to live your life void of love and affection, and Im also sorry that you did not a get a warmer welcome. I hope it does not deter you from coming back. Either way. You can send me a private email anytime.
  8. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

    Hey Purdy -you are not the only one. I am in the same boat. I have my dog. My family are not supportive and I rarely discuss anything more important than the weather with them. I have always chosen to stay single. It is like a kick in the teeth reading about the great families or partners, and you will feel jealous of the people with support, or sad that you don't have the same, but look how far you have come without it!
  9. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    Bingo. We can all remain on our pity pots and ponder, or we can choose to do something about our problems.

    CD, well said, however; I don't actually have defensive mode anymore. I used to have it very much, but not really nowadays. I didn't take offence to Purdy's comments, what I did take is directed anger, which is different to venting. Venting is not directed at people, anger is not directed at people always either, but directed anger can only be taken one way, hurtfully!
  10. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

    Dear Purdy:

    I only have loved ones now, because I worked for it. Let me explain:

    When I was a young teen (age 12) I lived on the streets, until I was 16. The only contact I had with family was in big fights involving the police or CAS. I went YEARS with no one around. I spend x-mas, new years, birthdays, every freaking day without love, compassion or freindship. When I was in my 20's I decided that I was sick of being alone. I have worked my a** off building up relationships with family and freinds. It's not perfect. I have few freinds to this day and only get along with two family members (one who just came into the picture 7 years ago.)

    Having a loving and suppportive relationship takes time and effort. I had to decide, for myself, if I was willing to put the effort into healing severly damaged relationships and buliding new ones, or not.

    The only person who can help you is you. We can all support you, but we can not force family to support or love you. You have the ability to bring loving and caring people into your life. It can be done. However, this is your choice. If you are willing to work on this and put effort into it, then we can support you and help in whatever way we can.

    You can come out of the other side of this. I did. It's possible.

    This post is meant to show you that there is hope, if you want it. I hope this helps some.

  11. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

    Purdy, did you leave us?
  12. purdyamos

    purdyamos Active Member

    Hello, I have not been to the forum for a long time, I reached the stage when every thread I read was triggering me off and I couldn't cope anymore. Anthony, I am sorry I came accross as so aggressive towards the people on the forum and you. I was not trying to imply that people shouldn't talk about their lives, by the way. When I have attacks I am so overwhelmed by rage and possessed by the spirits that try to destroy me I know I really go to the extremes and lash out at the entire universe and am barely aware of what's happening until it passes. I'm sorry I didn't apologise before, but I just had to go away to get out of the vicious cycle. I will start contributing again and if I cannot control my flashbacks in a way that avoids impacting on others then I will leave again. I noticed today you have brought in new rules because of aggressive or self pitying people and |I suppose I am one of those you mean. I have tried so hard to learn what most people think are ordinary civilized values but I still keep getting them wrong. I want to get rid of the evil ghost of my mother inside me that I can't kill, but she keeps coming out. To be honest I don't feel that this is a place where I can express my feelings or vent when I am sick, because it comes out in such a caustic way. I hate it, but I don't know what to do beyond what I've already tried.

    I do want to thank the people who have been so kind and supportive on this thread and elsewhere. I feel ashamed and self-conscious and I wish I could repay you properly or equal you in compassion. I especially feel bad that people responded and I appeared to be snubbing them. I'm sorry for that, and will hang around more again and try to get to know more people.
    JM318 likes this.
  13. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    Purdy, apology accepted, and no damage done. We all do it, we all make mistakes, hell... as you pointed out to me today, where I had used your name instead of cdunny's name in comments. We all make them, and we are all human.

    Yes and no! For the most part purdy, you have been great having here, and it was only one time you fell down. Hell, I am fallen down more times here than I could count using all fingers and toes. We all make mistakes, and we are all welcome here regardless of those mistakes, providing we don't impose certain negative behaviours amongst the overall community, me included.

    Purdy, it really is acceptable to vent here, that is part and parcel of the idea... its only when we fall into those low areas that we must realise we either need to take conversations off the board and go into private messaging instead, or we simply do not post at all until we can lift out off a mood.

    I was a bit off myself the other day, and posted here to someone, and then apologised afterwards because I really wasn't thinking straight, and shouldn't have even come online, which reassured me that even I shouldn't come online here at times if I am not up to reading posts for what they are, and not looking into them without questioning the intentions, instead making assumptions.

    Purdy, when in doubt, either go to private messaging or use the private trauma diaries to get aspects out of you, though saying that, you must be prepared for my responses that will come back at you. That way, your only going to be chatting with myself basically, and not in public as such.

    Purdy, just know that you being here to help yourself, is all anyone asks of you. You don't need to give what you do not have to give, instead you need to take at the moment, and that is what is required for you to get yourself better. I think you did the right thing by going away, then coming back, because it has allowed you time to reflect on what why your being triggered, and consequences of that trigger and guess what... here you are again exposing yourself too it, in order to get past it. So in essence, your facing up to a trigger of yours just by being here, in that reading others posts and how they are supported.

    I think your doing just great purdy, and just know, we are here to help you and support you, not judge you.
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