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Is this a thing?

Discussion in 'Dysregulation' started by saraemerald, May 2, 2018.

  1. saraemerald

    saraemerald Well-Known Member

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    Growing up under stress as a child, you learn the cues, you become both aware of your surroundings and self aware. You can handle a lot of things at a time. You are good at making sure other's are feeling Ok. Ect. Then you become an adult and engage in self sabotaging behavior! But you used to be a lityle super human! Always keeping everything straight and being strong, and always knowing what to do! Smart in school, helpful to other people and aware of what's going on.
    Why would you now!?, as an adult?!, start to engage in stupid! Self sabotaging behavior?! WTH!!!?

    Attention? Disappointed that you could be strong when needed but looking around, why weren't THEY strong?! I want to be good and strong and help but why can't they do the same?!!! Do I get screwed over by being loving and strong?! Why can't someone ELSE be loving and strong!? i'm trying to do the right thing by facing and healing my own trauma so I don't take it out on other people. Why can't others do the same?! Oh, I guess they have the excuse when they hurt others, "um, well, I was abused". Um, well, I was too!!!
    But seriously, would I use this reasoning to sabotage all the hard work I did iver the years to get to where I did in my life?! Or did I really not have all the support I needed and that's the "excuse" for my self sabotage!??
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 2, 2018
    ladee, Sandstone, mumstheword and 4 others like this.
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  3. MyWillow

    MyWillow Well-Known Member

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    Gut response without overthinking ....self-sabotage equates to “never enough”. Because that’s what you get brought up to believe of your SELF. Never good/smart/pretty/nice.... enough. Powerlessness feels NORMAL.

    Hugs are offered if you would like some :hug:
     
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  4. saraemerald

    saraemerald Well-Known Member

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    Thank you. Hugs are appreciated
     
  5. MyWillow

    MyWillow Well-Known Member

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    Just so you know. Your acceptance of my thoughts brought tears to my eyes. I’ve had the shittiest time and you just made it better. Thank you.
     
    Mee, ladee, saraemerald and 2 others like this.
  6. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

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    I can totally relate.
    Although I don't think I was that awesome as kid, but since then I've tried so hard to be "super mum" (teen mum to an abusive, much older person).

    (((((Hugs))))))):hug::hug::hug: @saraemerald .


    I've had to get away from that dynamic though. It get's exhausting:dead::sleep::sorry:
     
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  7. saraemerald

    saraemerald Well-Known Member

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    Well then, I am sending hugs and love back. I hope you have a better day today.

    When I was a kid, the abuse did affect me of course but I dealt with it by focusing on when I would move out and life would be Ok and away from my abusive parents. I focused really hard from elementary school to do the best I could everyday and prepare myself for moving out and living on my own. I turned some hardships into a game in my head to survive as a child, moved out when I 18 and continued to be as responsible and forward moving as a could as a young adult and focused on forgetting all the yucky stuff and duper focused on self healing and self care and strong prayers and faith in God. And being that I was in a cult, I was also keeping my focus on the "New World" where life would be peaceful and better. Under these conditions, I was able to heal most of my PTSD symptoms including my triggers of anxiety and then, when I got better and started to feel better mentally and physically, I started ruining it, as if I didn't want to feel good and strong mentally and physically
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 2, 2018
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  8. Chiqui

    Chiqui Well-Known Member

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    My recovery from the coercitive manipulation I was under my cult has been up and down, with lots of twists and selfsabotage, for the last ten years. It is as if I would had been programed for failing and unhapiness. The de programation, as I call it, is hard and I still strugle with very basic things of Life, like going to the cinema, getting a job, enjoying Life.
    As you, I was living waiting for the end of the world to happen. Understanding my fears, studing how the cults work and professional Therapy has helped a lot. It is hard and messy, but the wound is deep.
    All my best
     
    EveHarrington and saraemerald like this.
  9. saraemerald

    saraemerald Well-Known Member

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    Thank you for sharing. I think I was able to heal from a lot of the abuse from my parents because I recognised how they treated me was wrong. But not the cult. I fell for the teachings of the cult, not realising how harmful they actually were and I think that lead to me self-sabotaging. It's harmful when you don't recognise something for what it is, especially when it is teaching you false things about the world around you or causing you to question your self and have self doubt instead of questioning the cult
     
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  10. Chiqui

    Chiqui Well-Known Member

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    "especially when it is teaching you false things about the world around you or causing you to question your self and have self doubt instead of questioning the cult"
    @saraemerald
    Yes. Insane, perverse and a fuel for paranoid thoughts :(
     
  11. Mee

    Mee Well-Known Member

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    Yes. Yes.

    This makes a huge amount of sense @saraemerald. I have not been in a cult but can relate that to other experiences.
     
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