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Is this being a regular nice person or is it dysfunctional?

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PreciousChild

MyPTSD Pro
I think 80% of my posts could fit under this thread. I would really like feedback about whether I am going way overboard, or if it's perfectly normal mundane niceness. I struggle with this because my parents used and exploited me so thoroughly that I'm always doing too much or running the other way because I'm feeling resentful and used. My nephews were visiting me this weekend. Their mom and I are pretty close, and I've been very close to my nephews. They decided to visit on their own without their parents for the first time because they're old enough. It was a big deal and we talked about doing it for years. This weekend was the time! I had all these plans for them, and since their interests are different from my son's, a lot of the activities were done despite my son or totally without him. I spent my entire weekend and spent a lot of money making sure my nephews had fun. I'm exhausted, spent more money than I have, and my son spent the better part of the weekend alone. But my nephews had fun, and they thanked me profusely.

I feel vaguely like I'm out of sorts. But I can't tell if it's because I'm actually doing way beyond what I should or if I'm just having a distorted sense of being used triggered. I do not want to be attributing triggers to my nephews, nor my son for that matter. This is my deal, but I do sometimes think I do too much for my son too...

I'm also having thoughts about my relationships. I do believe that my ex counted on me being there for him 150%, and began to push me away when I was only functioning at giving him my 120%. I'm just wondering whether I should be thinking of myself more or working on my triggers in order not to let my issues affect my genuine positive service to others.
 
I think something like that is all about what is happening on the inside. If you are genuinely doing it because you want to or if some of it is coming from a need to please without any regard for yourself.Whatever it is if it is coming from a place where you feel confident about you taking care of you and if it isnt done to appease or feel safe then it will be fine. Hope that makes sense.

You maybe need to spend some time thinking ahead and thinking of your resources before you commit yourself to something. And maybe be conservative until you can better gauge your limits. Maybe write out why you are doing something and what you need in the situation before you commit.

Are you trying to earn love or what is happening internally?
 
So, it sounds like you went over and above to give your nephews a great weekend, and to that end, it was a huge success. Awesome job! It’s okay to congratulate yourself for that, and even feel good about yourself (not always something we let ourselves do!).

It doesn’t sound like it’s a sustainable way of interacting with your nephews. But that only becomes dysfunctional if you aren’t able to compromise at all moving forward:
Your son isn’t going to hold it against you for spending a weekend focusing on your nephews...unless it becomes your normal.
It’s okay to blow the budget this one special time that you’ve been talking about for years...unless you start over-spending on them (& others) on a regular basis that you can’t afford.

So as a great big special one off? High five! Great job.

Moving forward? @Abstract ’s ‘plan ahead’ approach is brilliant:)
 
I do think that I'm motivated to please in part. But there is a natural amount of that in all interactions, aren't there? I know for certain that I do want to make my nephews' and my son's lives better in any way I can. My nephews feel comfortable with me and talk to me about what's going on in their lives. One of them wrote in my birthday card last year, "Thanks for being someone I can always talk to." That brought me so much joy. This trip they took on their own on a bus was their first real venture away from home without their parents (both of whom are solid by the way if not always emotionally attuned). I wanted to make it special, and I think it'll be something they do maybe once or twice a year. They went back home and my sister reported how happy they were and offered to do the same for my son (though he doesn't have the interest).

I'm exhausted, in part because I had to travel the weekend before that for Thanksgiving, and now another weekend which I had to be on and couldn't rest or decompress which I really need. So maybe I'm just feeling regular inconvenience that people feel in hosting others, and even more than that, being the guardian the whole time. I always felt that as a parent, it was okay to give more (sometimes way more) than I got back. This weekend, I felt that same way, and I do think the boys benefited from my planning and attention. One of them gave me an extra long, hard hug when he said good-bye. I looked in his eyes and told him that we should do this again soon. So maybe in this case since I wanted it to be special, I should accept what I did and work through my feelings of being used rather than changing my outward behaviors? That's what I'm feeling. But again, maybe a more "normal" person would have just spent more time at home, made less plans, and took it more easy on herself rather than think only of her nephews' experience. I could have just played board games with them. Maybe they wouldn't have had as much fun, but they would have accepted it.
 
One time, my niece came over and I gave her a brand new product that I just got and never used so automatic – in a instant I thought I was possessed by invisible hand and mind. As soon as she left, my husband said why did you do that? I was flabbergasted. I had no idea why. But as soon as he said that I felt the weight of bricks on my shoulder and such a disgusting feeling came all over me. My niece look on her face was one of wow! Unbelievable aunt is giving this way without asking mixed with wow! This does not feel normal to suspicious to god knows what.

As I thought about this I realized and I shared this with my husband to get outside and reality check feedback, I was triggered and I did that out of love but the downside of it was: I equated giving that thing as she will love me. It felt like a knife in my chest and heart because that is the feeling my mother gave me all her life. It took me days and days to get over it. But one thing was clear. I was happy to see that in action so I know what is what and what it feels and I hardly ever do this unconsciously anymore. I am very conscious of why I am doing nice things for others and even if I want them to like me, I will say it out loud so there is no confusion in my body and if they do not give the love, I know I was overshooting and this is accepted. I am not controlling others as my mother did to buy their love and go berserk when they do not buy my unconscious, undigested, immature way of buying their love. I learned a powerful lesson because the target was my niece not my mother.
You probably (this is my take) deep down inside did everything not because you love them but because you wanted them to love you. If you did nothing and truly believe your company was enough – they came to see auntie that did not feel enough because you do not feel enough. You feel nothing unless you service or serve or give a big gesture. No one would love you for you without anything. This is truly hard to swallow; hence why it feels so raw!

My feedback is this: if you journal highlight this day the day you saw you were buying love. And next time try to do with safe people like nephews and do nothing but just give your time and energy and truly LISTEN TO THEM! And LOOK AT THEM IN THE EYES SO YOU SEE THEM. That is love.

I hope this is helpful. Sometimes insights hit us so hard, they disarm us and if we just shrug and move on, it really does become much harder to learn. I hope you acknowledge you are feeling this way because all you did even though you meant was not you and authentic. It was part of the programming and you feel you just followed the invisible hand.

I just saw the comment about your nephew saying he likes talking to you. This is it. You have that side of you, you need to nurture it. They do not need your material and they are telling you in subtle ways but you are not accustom to be liked or loved for not giving anything.
 
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Hi @Nessa7, that's a really good point. That's the kind of "normal" reaction that I want to identify as such. I do think that is a part of it if not the majority of it.

@grit, that's the kind of thing I was wondering about. If I'm motivated by my ptsd reactions, then I'm doing it not by choice but for inauthentic reasons, and ones that give me a momentary distraction or high. Most of the things as part of the weekend plans that we did was requested by my nephews. It was either indulging them or saying "no", and I opted to indulge them. By the way, it was nothing too extravagant - just places to eat mostly, rather than cooking at home. I just was over my head after Black Friday and Cyber Monday, and general expenses as a single parent. But since the ideas for plans came from them, perhaps I was more motivated by genuine desire to make them happy versus wanting to control?
 
Hi @Nessa7, that's a really good point. That's the kind of "normal" reaction that I want to identify as such. I do think that is a part of it if not the majority of it.

@grit, that's the kind of thing I was wondering about. If I'm motivated by my ptsd reactions, then I'm doing it not by choice but for inauthentic reasons, and ones that give me a momentary distraction or high. Most of the things as part of the weekend plans that we did was requested by my nephews. It was either indulging them or saying "no", and I opted to indulge them. By the way, it was nothing too extravagant - just places to eat mostly, rather than cooking at home. I just was over my head after Black Friday and Cyber Monday, and general expenses as a single parent. But since the ideas for plans came from them, perhaps I was more motivated by genuine desire to make them happy versus wanting to control?

I was focused on your feeling not the actual things or the events. Whatever urge you to post this is a feeling? That is the feeling I was getting on.

Why is a great weekend being associated with
I feel vaguely like I'm out of sorts. But I can't tell if it's because I'm actually doing way beyond what I should or if I'm just having a distorted sense of being used triggered.


That is what I was honing into. Taking your nephews shopping or giving a new product to my niece is not really the problem but the lingering feeling they leave is what I thought may have a nugget of unresolved core issue.

good luck
 
I was focused on your feeling not the actual things or the events. Whatever urge you to post this is a feeling? That is the feeling I was getting on.

Why is a great weekend being associated with



That is what I was honing into. Taking your nephews shopping or giving a new product to my niece is not really the problem but the lingering feeling they leave is what I thought may have a nugget of unresolved core issue.

good luck
Yes, the feeling is what I think is important to think about, and why I would feel conflicted after an apparently nice weekend. Thanks for your input as I process my thoughts about this.
 
Sometimes too the feeling wouldnt happen if there hadn't been a huge built up pressure cooker of stuff from the past. Sometimes in order to empty the pressure cooker a bit first we need to prove ourselves trustworthy guardians to ourselves. Show ourselves we can be trusted to look after ourselves. Do a lot lot of self care and me important acts. I also think its perfectly normal and legitimate to have 2 or more separate valid things be true and happening at the same time. And sometimes just that can cause cognitive dissonance. Like genene pleasure in spoiling the nephews and seeing their delight. And simultaneously needing down and me time .

But regardless of everything else it sounds like you need some rest and self care.
 
Thanks @Abstract. Those are really good perspectives. I think there were a lot of feelings going on at once and I was putting a bit of pressure on myself. I was the scapegoat in the family, and I had once thought that all of my siblings kids would adopt my siblings' attitude about me. But it turned out very different. My nephews and nieces are very warm towards me and don't scapegoat me like my brother and my sister to some extent still do. Even this Thanksgiving, my brother had an intense evening when dark clouds were forming and he started repeating angry accusations about me that I couldn't quite make sense of. But in a lesser form, the feeling's always there. There might be parts of me that are very worried that my nephews would turn on me. Plus I'm codependent. But also very happy to see my nephews and nieces happy. Good reminder that all those feelings can co-exist.
 
I think that there’s a potential problem if you’re spending money you don’t have.

Kids don’t need to be bought.

The one thing that’s most precious?

TIME.

Yeah, you may think that playing board games isn’t as cool because it isn’t quite so flashy, but it’s not about the boards games so much as the bonding that happens around them. Really, you can’t beat this kind of family activity.

I think it’s also a problem that your son was isolated during your nephews visit. You’re trying to be the “cool aunt”, but at the same time what kind of memories did you give your son this weekend? Don’t you think it’s better to try and include everyone?

I just feel bad for your son.
 
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