Is this depression to stop being functional?

Justmehere

Sponsor
I have stopped being functional today.

Last night I was supposed to start IOP. I did one intake, did one morning and sue ri work changes was moved to the evening time. It was hybrid virtual and in person.

They failed to send the link last week on the first start date. They said I could start yesterday. I went in person so no link issues. They told me I had a med management appointment and instead spent 20 minutes telling me that someone with my slight hearing problems couldn't do IOP. My doctor called, a therapist tried, etc, to vouch that's ridiculous and not based in fact (and a bit illegal.) They indicated they decided I need a lower level of care. All lower level of care options already decided I needed a high level of care. I left. Broke down. Self injured. Went back in, his the injury, stated I was not safe and needed a release form and an intake for inpatient. They told me to leave the building, care is rejected. (Attorney confirmed rhis is really illegal but I can't pay them to sue, and too depressed to care.)

Today, I haven't done anything to function. To eat or care for myself at all. I missed meetings, work, etc etc. I did not function. Someone contacted me at one point, a known bully, and I pulled our every stop to cut off contact. I did do that. I felt panic after but then relief when I realized they will stay away. But it took 6 hours to do that and after... I'm worse.

Grocery delivery is sitting at the door rotting for 8 hours. I don't even care.

I don't feel quite sad. I don't know what I feel. My head is in a loop and I keep just staring at the wall or my phone. There's a therapy clinic that needs insurance cards to see if they can schedule and I can't even find anything to do that.

I'm not sure what to do. Because I also have ADHD this is especially not my normal even in a triggered PTSD symptom spike.
 
Oh, I'm sorry. :-(

Today, I haven't done anything to function. To eat or care for myself at all. I missed meetings, work, etc etc. I did not function. Someone contacted me at one point, a known bully, and I pulled our every stop to cut off contact. I did do that. I felt panic after but then relief when I realized they will stay away. But it took 6 hours to do that and after... I'm worse.

Grocery delivery is sitting at the door rotting for 8 hours. I don't even care.

I don't feel quite sad. I don't know what I feel. My head is in a loop and I keep just staring at the wall or my phone.
This is me a lot of the time, and yes...I have major depressive disorder.

I hope you can see someone soon--without some sort of intervention (even if that means just talking to someone), this kind of feeling/behavior can worsen.
 
I hit nonfunctional reeeeeally fast, compared to most people.

I have begun to suspect it may very well be the PTSD+ADHD thing, weighing in.

If I’m not lucky enough to have built in layers & layers of safety nets? PLUNGE. Just soooo wicked fast, slippery as hell, and just as difficult to get finger/toe holds on.

Mad love atcha, wherever & however you might be. Strength, luck, & timing cubed.
 
I hope you are hanging in there.

Maybe this is neither here nor there, but I remember your posts from awhile ago, and I just want to say that I admire all of the work you have done to heal and make your life better. I know you are not in a great place right now, but still, I thought I’d share. It seems many of us go through ups and downs with this disorder, myself included. I just want you to know I’m thinking about you, for whatever that’s worth as a stranger on the internet.
 
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