Hello all, I've been with my guy for 5 years and he has all the symptoms of PTSD. Not from combat, but repeated abandonment and rejection. On top of ADHD and HFA.
He's blamed me for everything from the start. I know you all understand. I used to believe I was dealing with a rational being as he is successful in work and can be very socially adept. I believed I was, 'the cause of all problems', 'f-ing b', 'evil', etc. He screamed for me to 'get out!' so many times from the home, that he hated me. He broke stuff in my home and said it was my fault for 'pushing him too far'.
Like so many (all?) of us, we see our sufferer when they are not like this and that is who we fell in love with. This other person comes out either slowly, or quickly, depending on their current life stressors. We try to keep the peace, then we get super angry at this unfair treatment and explode. That's when they have something to blame us for. We vow to be different, take the blame and then their are in the power position again. Until the next round.
I cannot overstate the distraction this has been for me in my life. There is something so damaging at a fundamental level when a person believes they are at fault EVEN THOUGH the person would be suffering even if they never met us! What a concept! That we could put ANYONE in our place and that person would be blamed. But in my low moments, I believe it's my fault. That another woman wouldn't push his buttons. That none of these behaviors and words would have ever happened in a parallel universe if he was with someone else.
I've set boundaries and I worry he will really go off the rails. Today, he screamed at me on the phone and that ear still hurts hours later. I guess I should have seen in coming as I think a lot of us can tell when the volcano could blow, but I then I misjudge it (not seeing that his anger is rising) and I get all the garbage treatment again. When he screamed at me on the phone, I hung up on him. He called me back, sent me texts blaming me for making him mad, saying it's all my fault because I had asked him to call me and he did what I asked. It is so disorienting and confusing. I struggle to get my bearings. I did not grow up in this kind of environment or observing this in a relationship. When the facts contradict what my partner is claiming, where does one even go from there? I've apologized, said sorry, said it's my fault, said I am the one to blame sooo many times. Does it help? Yes. Undeniably. But what to my self? This can't be dignified or self-respecting, right?
The hyper response to perceived criticism is truly a marvel. I don't say that to be rude. I'm saying he can make up a story in his head and then he is saying it aloud and it truly does not matter if I'm there, if I offer facts, whatever. He will go on and on in the blame game like I actually did and said stuff I never did/said. How does one even deal with that? If we limit our disagreement to resolving one (one!) issue, and I offer a solution that is really simple (I have to keep it very, very simple, like minimal words or he shuts down), he will just bam! Disengage, and then launches into a tirade about other complaints about me, accusations of what I've supposedly thought, said, and done.
I do my best to not wallow, and practice lots of self care. I have to exercise and drink a lot of water. I go to every social thing that seems good for me. I focus on my life, what I want to achieve and start each day with a positive intention. But sometimes, it's too much. I'm on the couch crying all day, watching TV, and wondering if I will ever realize my dreams for my future. I feel worthless. But when I type that, I hear his voice! He says that I treat him like crap! That I'm just using him (for sex)! That I yell at him, that I stress him 24/7.
I would love to hear from others if this is how it goes. He is not in therapy and is resistant. I know from reading that isn't good but he is full grown and family members have tried for years, including secretly getting him to a psychiatrist (under the guise that it was for a medical check up), conspiring behind his back to trick him into therapy, threatening him with CPS to get his kids taken away, etc. He has zero trust in anyone and also tells me he has no trust of faith in me, even though I have demonstrated through the years that I am loyal to him.
He's blamed me for everything from the start. I know you all understand. I used to believe I was dealing with a rational being as he is successful in work and can be very socially adept. I believed I was, 'the cause of all problems', 'f-ing b', 'evil', etc. He screamed for me to 'get out!' so many times from the home, that he hated me. He broke stuff in my home and said it was my fault for 'pushing him too far'.
Like so many (all?) of us, we see our sufferer when they are not like this and that is who we fell in love with. This other person comes out either slowly, or quickly, depending on their current life stressors. We try to keep the peace, then we get super angry at this unfair treatment and explode. That's when they have something to blame us for. We vow to be different, take the blame and then their are in the power position again. Until the next round.
I cannot overstate the distraction this has been for me in my life. There is something so damaging at a fundamental level when a person believes they are at fault EVEN THOUGH the person would be suffering even if they never met us! What a concept! That we could put ANYONE in our place and that person would be blamed. But in my low moments, I believe it's my fault. That another woman wouldn't push his buttons. That none of these behaviors and words would have ever happened in a parallel universe if he was with someone else.
I've set boundaries and I worry he will really go off the rails. Today, he screamed at me on the phone and that ear still hurts hours later. I guess I should have seen in coming as I think a lot of us can tell when the volcano could blow, but I then I misjudge it (not seeing that his anger is rising) and I get all the garbage treatment again. When he screamed at me on the phone, I hung up on him. He called me back, sent me texts blaming me for making him mad, saying it's all my fault because I had asked him to call me and he did what I asked. It is so disorienting and confusing. I struggle to get my bearings. I did not grow up in this kind of environment or observing this in a relationship. When the facts contradict what my partner is claiming, where does one even go from there? I've apologized, said sorry, said it's my fault, said I am the one to blame sooo many times. Does it help? Yes. Undeniably. But what to my self? This can't be dignified or self-respecting, right?
The hyper response to perceived criticism is truly a marvel. I don't say that to be rude. I'm saying he can make up a story in his head and then he is saying it aloud and it truly does not matter if I'm there, if I offer facts, whatever. He will go on and on in the blame game like I actually did and said stuff I never did/said. How does one even deal with that? If we limit our disagreement to resolving one (one!) issue, and I offer a solution that is really simple (I have to keep it very, very simple, like minimal words or he shuts down), he will just bam! Disengage, and then launches into a tirade about other complaints about me, accusations of what I've supposedly thought, said, and done.
I do my best to not wallow, and practice lots of self care. I have to exercise and drink a lot of water. I go to every social thing that seems good for me. I focus on my life, what I want to achieve and start each day with a positive intention. But sometimes, it's too much. I'm on the couch crying all day, watching TV, and wondering if I will ever realize my dreams for my future. I feel worthless. But when I type that, I hear his voice! He says that I treat him like crap! That I'm just using him (for sex)! That I yell at him, that I stress him 24/7.
I would love to hear from others if this is how it goes. He is not in therapy and is resistant. I know from reading that isn't good but he is full grown and family members have tried for years, including secretly getting him to a psychiatrist (under the guise that it was for a medical check up), conspiring behind his back to trick him into therapy, threatening him with CPS to get his kids taken away, etc. He has zero trust in anyone and also tells me he has no trust of faith in me, even though I have demonstrated through the years that I am loyal to him.