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Relationship Is this just how it goes? 5 years of dealing with abandonment ptsd

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Hello all, I've been with my guy for 5 years and he has all the symptoms of PTSD. Not from combat, but repeated abandonment and rejection. On top of ADHD and HFA.

He's blamed me for everything from the start. I know you all understand. I used to believe I was dealing with a rational being as he is successful in work and can be very socially adept. I believed I was, 'the cause of all problems', 'f-ing b', 'evil', etc. He screamed for me to 'get out!' so many times from the home, that he hated me. He broke stuff in my home and said it was my fault for 'pushing him too far'.

Like so many (all?) of us, we see our sufferer when they are not like this and that is who we fell in love with. This other person comes out either slowly, or quickly, depending on their current life stressors. We try to keep the peace, then we get super angry at this unfair treatment and explode. That's when they have something to blame us for. We vow to be different, take the blame and then their are in the power position again. Until the next round.

I cannot overstate the distraction this has been for me in my life. There is something so damaging at a fundamental level when a person believes they are at fault EVEN THOUGH the person would be suffering even if they never met us! What a concept! That we could put ANYONE in our place and that person would be blamed. But in my low moments, I believe it's my fault. That another woman wouldn't push his buttons. That none of these behaviors and words would have ever happened in a parallel universe if he was with someone else.

I've set boundaries and I worry he will really go off the rails. Today, he screamed at me on the phone and that ear still hurts hours later. I guess I should have seen in coming as I think a lot of us can tell when the volcano could blow, but I then I misjudge it (not seeing that his anger is rising) and I get all the garbage treatment again. When he screamed at me on the phone, I hung up on him. He called me back, sent me texts blaming me for making him mad, saying it's all my fault because I had asked him to call me and he did what I asked. It is so disorienting and confusing. I struggle to get my bearings. I did not grow up in this kind of environment or observing this in a relationship. When the facts contradict what my partner is claiming, where does one even go from there? I've apologized, said sorry, said it's my fault, said I am the one to blame sooo many times. Does it help? Yes. Undeniably. But what to my self? This can't be dignified or self-respecting, right?

The hyper response to perceived criticism is truly a marvel. I don't say that to be rude. I'm saying he can make up a story in his head and then he is saying it aloud and it truly does not matter if I'm there, if I offer facts, whatever. He will go on and on in the blame game like I actually did and said stuff I never did/said. How does one even deal with that? If we limit our disagreement to resolving one (one!) issue, and I offer a solution that is really simple (I have to keep it very, very simple, like minimal words or he shuts down), he will just bam! Disengage, and then launches into a tirade about other complaints about me, accusations of what I've supposedly thought, said, and done.

I do my best to not wallow, and practice lots of self care. I have to exercise and drink a lot of water. I go to every social thing that seems good for me. I focus on my life, what I want to achieve and start each day with a positive intention. But sometimes, it's too much. I'm on the couch crying all day, watching TV, and wondering if I will ever realize my dreams for my future. I feel worthless. But when I type that, I hear his voice! He says that I treat him like crap! That I'm just using him (for sex)! That I yell at him, that I stress him 24/7.

I would love to hear from others if this is how it goes. He is not in therapy and is resistant. I know from reading that isn't good but he is full grown and family members have tried for years, including secretly getting him to a psychiatrist (under the guise that it was for a medical check up), conspiring behind his back to trick him into therapy, threatening him with CPS to get his kids taken away, etc. He has zero trust in anyone and also tells me he has no trust of faith in me, even though I have demonstrated through the years that I am loyal to him.
 
Hi and welcome.

Does he have an official diagnoses from a psychiatrist? I ask as rejection can't result in PTSD. If you are interested look at the diagnostic criteria for PTSD. Does he say he has PTSD?

It sounds like you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and quite frankly should get out of it right now. You aren't helping him either if you accept his bad behaviour. Have you thought of seeing a therapist yourself?
 
Hi and welcome.

Does he have an official diagnoses from a psychiatrist? I ask as rejection can't result in PTSD. If you are interested look at the diagnostic criteria for PTSD. Does he say he has PTSD?

Thank you for the welcome. Yes, he was diagnosed with Complex PTSD (cPTSD) two years ago.
 
PTSD doesn’t cause abuse, which is exactly what you’re describing. The cycle of abuse. So is this just how it goes? Nope. It’s really not.

but repeated abandonment and rejection

Abandoned and left to die? Like in a house fire, or he was kidnapped and no one paid his ransom, or he was miles out to sea and thrown overboard, or in an earthquake and weeks later -after the rescue crews quit- he managed to dig himself out?

Because rejection can’t cause PTSD, and in order for abandonment to cause it, it has to meet the level of he was reasonably expected to die.

Criterion A: stressor
The person was exposed to: death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence, as follows: (one required)

  1. Direct exposure.
  2. Witnessing, in person.
  3. Indirectly, by learning that a close relative or close friend was exposed to trauma. If the event involved actual or threatened death, it must have been violent or accidental.
  4. Repeated or extreme indirect exposure to aversive details of the event(s), usually in the course of professional duties (e.g., first responders, collecting body parts; professionals repeatedly exposed to details of child abuse). This does not include indirect non-professional exposure through electronic media, television, movies, or pictures.

ETA... Whoops! Cross posted with you.

So, in order to have CPTSD a person not only has to meet the requirements for PTSD (death, threatened death, sexual violence) but it also has to have even more requirements added on.

Understand complex ptsd (cptsd)

Same, though. CPTSD doesn’t cause abuse.

What it sounds like is this guy has come up with an excuse you buy to treat you however the hell he likes, which is like garbage.
 
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Thank you. He was raised in a cult with sexual violence. At this point, he can barely discuss the sexual assaults on him

He witnessed the death of relative in a car crash. He tried to save the relative.

He also suffered birth trauma (two broken collarbones, collapsed lung).
 
Either he has been misdiagnosed or he has other experiences he has shared with the dr but not told you. Either way it really does not = the reason why is abusing you and nor does it excuse him abusing you. Really. I hope you can hear this. Is this a pattern in your own life? Where you accept bad treatment from other people?

Ps. Cross posted with you!
 
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Either has been misdiagnosed or her has other experiences he has shared with the dr and told you about. Either way it really does not = the reason why is abusing you and nor does it excuse him abusing you. Really. I hope you can hear this. Is this a pattern in your own life? Where you accept bad treatment from other people?

Thank you. Yes, sounds like he has been misdiagnosed. Sorry to post here, everyone!! Still figuring things out.

It is not a pattern in my life at all. Exhusband never, ever did this and we have a great relationship 11 years post divorce (with kids). No other boyfriends acted like this. Father did not, nor any uncles or other relatives. Saw my parents have a healthy relationship.
 
No, no. If he has the sexual violence, witnessing death etc then that absolutely can result in PTSD. And you say he has a proper diagnoses.Its would be sexual violence and death PTSD not abandonment PTSD.

It sounds like you never experiences anything like this and its taken you into a environment you never expected. Remember always that someones suffering doesn't excuse them treating you badly. Ever.
 
Sounds like he needs to question the cPTSD diagnosis?

Nope. You just left out the bit in the beginning that can actually cause PTSD, is all :) And we get a lot of 2 groups of people... those who think anything can give someone this disorder, or those like you, who just left it out. Rather than assuming, better practice to just explain & ask!

Unfortunately, and I’m very sorry about this, but the second bit of what I said... that this guy has found the perfect excuse (aka you buy it) to treat you like garbage... stands.

Abusive people can get PTSD, just like abusive people can get diabetes. Neither excuses the abuse. People get triggered without screaming at their spouse for hours, and people get low blood sugar without screaming at their spouse for hours.

The actual symptoms? Like rage or panic, don’t include the actions people choose to take when they feel those things. You can be angry, and not scream, break shit, and blame someone else for making them do it. That’s abuse. Not PTSD/CPTSD. That’s him. Not the disorder.
 
This guy is abusive.

I’d only give him a chance IF he was actively working on healing, seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist.

But since he’s not?

I really do think you should get out. Like, yesterday.

Why?

Because this is as good as it gets. It’s most likely to get worse.

You’re sacrificing yourself, and for what?

You’re on a crash course for developing mental disorders of your own, because of how he treats you.

Please don’t blame this all on his PTSD. We aren’t responsible for getting PTSD, but we ARE responsible for our healing.

If he doesn’t want to heal? His choice. It’s his choice to not have people in his life.

The power to have a better life is in his hands and he does nothing to make things better.

He doesn’t care about you enough to work on his own healing and take respond for his actions. That is, he doesn’t care enough about you to treat you better.

Why don’t you think you deserve better?
 
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