Is this narcissism?

I've been living on property shared between my mom, another relative and myself. As I've been discovering myself in recent months, I've stopped talking to her for the most part. Yesterday she broke a window accidentally and it automatically became my job to fix it. I was going to take care of it how I see fit since I'm the one doing it but, this morning she starts telling me what I should do about it. That quickly devolved into me telling her I don't give a shit. Once that was out she started with emotional tactics; oh I'm so hurt, why are you doing that.... All things I've heard before whenever I've asserted myself, so I just said blah blah blah. Again the situation devolved. Her tone instantly changes and now she just wants to directly hurt me "You're a selfish asshole just like X!". I ignored her and went on about getting some breakfast together. 15 minutes later I'm sitting in my room with the door ajar when she walks in trying to talk again and I just tell her to get out. She ignores me so I say it again louder and she ignores me again. Now I'm full on screaming "Get the F*** out of my room!" I stand up, walk towards the door and she finally backs up and out and I slam the door. She spends a few minutes trying to talk trash through the door and then goes away for a few minutes. She comes back and says something like "Don't scream and make me feel unsafe or I'll call the cops".

That is a play she borrowed from my grandmother. My grandmother would scream at my grandfather and physically abuse him and if he showed any resistance she would call the sheriffs and have him arrested for domestic abuse, even though she was the abuser. She threw pots and pans at him, trays of silverware, luggage, one time she even broke her cane over his back and he was still the one that got arrested. Now my mom is trying to play the victim because I won't tolerate what she's doing. She tried to say I had wasted my life. I told her I had, I had wasted it trying to help her so much over the years. Then she tried to talk shit about the state of my sister and I's lives and I immediately told her we were just products of her parenting.

She's quit, at least for now, but now I'm wondering how far she's going to take this.
 

internal

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I was going to take care of it how I see fit since I'm the one doing it but, this morning she starts telling me what I should do about it. That quickly devolved into me telling her I don't give a shit.
your reaction here is weird. or you are leaving out parts of the story. it sounds like she's overbearing but i fail to see how "here's what you should do about the window" should lead to "i don't give a shit."

15 minutes later I'm sitting in my room with the door ajar when she walks in trying to talk again and I just tell her to get out. She ignores me so I say it again louder and she ignores me again. Now I'm full on screaming "Get the F*** out of my room!" I stand up, walk towards the door and she finally backs up and out and I slam the door.
again, weird. or you are leaving out parts of the story. your door was open. she came in. you tell her twice to get out. and then start screaming and cursing at her and slamming the door. this is off.

That is a play she borrowed from my grandmother. My grandmother would scream at my grandfather and physically abuse him and if he showed any resistance she would call the sheriffs and have him arrested for domestic abuse, even though she was the abuser.
did your mother physically abuse you? what is the reason for this detail?

She's quit, at least for now, but now I'm wondering how far she's going to take this.
i am not trying to blame you but the cause and effect of what you've told us is missing a lot. you will need to fill this in and be more specific.
 
your reaction here is weird. or you are leaving out parts of the story. it sounds like she's overbearing but i fail to see how "here's what you should do about the window" should lead to "i don't give a shit."


again, weird. or you are leaving out parts of the story. your door was open. she came in. you tell her twice to get out. and then start screaming and cursing at her and slamming the door. this is off.


did your mother physically abuse you? what is the reason for this detail?


i am not trying to blame you but the cause and effect of what you've told us is missing a lot. you will need to fill this in and be more specific.
I don't like writing and so yeah I just do the broad strokes. Trying to write in detail is taxing mentally and emotionally.

First quote: This is something she does a lot. Say one thing do another. She left it up to me initially and then decided to tell me what specifically to do later on. I don't change directions mid-stream.

Second quote: I don't see what's so weird. I set a boundary, I meant it and she ignored it. Should I just let her say and do as she pleases without regard to myself?

Third quote: Yes but that wasn't the direct point of that. She's trying to play the victim even though I'm just standing up for myself.


I want to be free of her and everything to do with her at this point. I'm tired of being angry so much or depressed to the point of suicidal thoughts, and being around her has been the cause of both. However, the situation feels hopeless.
 
I want to, but financially that's going to be difficult. My car has an electrical problem that I'm trying to trace and the registration is expired. When I can get that straightened out I plan on leaving and going no contact with family. Every step of the process is going to be new anxiety so I'm just trying to prepare myself for that in the meantime.
 

internal

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This is something she does a lot. Say one thing do another. She left it up to me initially and then decided to tell me what specifically to do later on. I don't change directions mid-stream.
which is annoying. sure. but flatly stating "i don't give a shit" is a callous answer.

I don't see what's so weird. I set a boundary, I meant it and she ignored it. Should I just let her say and do as she pleases without regard to myself?
you set a boundary, she ignored it, and you reacted explosively by slamming things around and yelling. this is poor behavior.

again, either we don't have the full story, or something is off. none of her actions that you have delineated indicates narcissism. being overbearing and inconsistent, yes.
 

joeylittle

Administrator
which is annoying. sure. but flatly stating "i don't give a shit" is a callous answer.
Eh, I dunno, it makes sense to me, for a relationship that is already past the breaking point and communication collapses.

Because none of it is actually about the window, not when the interpersonal dynamic is shot. Any topic will become a minefield.

@BentNotBroken - it doesn't sound like narcissism (although I'm 100% not a doctor or qualified to say that!) - I think classic narcissism would have her responding differently...but the real truth is, it doesn't matter what she is/isn't. As @LuckiLee said - you can't influence her behavior, only your own.

Since you can't relocate yourself right now - are there things you can do to really limit the amount of time you're around her? I'm also wondering if you've got any strategies for mentally disengaging, if/when you're feeling attacked.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
@BentNotBroken your post made sense to me. Reading between the lines as it resonated with how I always felt around my family. And I also understand not being able to focus to give details. Mine is because of depression and the words just don't fall in line like others are capable of doing.

And of course you are being told that it's up to you to walk away or what ever you need to do. That is hard when you feel 'dog piled' by someone and freeze and the words fly.

One question we always ask here is do you have a therapist? It really helps to have someone to talk to and that can help us maintain until we get out of a situation that keeps us upset all the time.

I have that same kind of temper and especially when I am already overwhelmed. So no judgment from me. It never is ok to say some of the things we do, but it is something we can work on. I have learned some great coping skills thru the years. And my feelings don't explode like they used to.

We hope you keep coming back and sharing. Hope you can get your car running so you can get out of that situation.
 

internal

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I have that same kind of temper and especially when I am already overwhelmed. So no judgment from me.
this. i am not judging you at all. the reason i am pointing it out is because i recognize it. because i do the exact same thing. surely any one here who has read my diary would think i was a f*cking hypocrite for looking down on you. 🤪 i don't.

nevertheless if someone told me "i don't give a shit." or slammed a door in my face. i would react the same as your mom. i would be hurt. i would try to seek you out later on. and if someone violated my boundaries i'd probably react the same as you did. explosions comes with the territory.

but neither behavior is okay. it's two people acting badly around one another. probably because you're both triggering each other. but the thing about that is that like @joeylittle has said. you can't do anything about her behavior. you can only deal with your own behavior.

i agree with @ladee as well. therapy may help. and please don't stop coming here just because i can be a blunt asshole.
 
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