Isolated and alone

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I haven't posted in a long time. Mostly it's fear that is keeping me from posting. I've been isolating myself more and more. I have become afraid to go out and afraid of any social situations. I'm afraid of being rejected and afraid that somehow people can see inside me. What they would see is a really scared little girl who doesn't know if something terrible is about to happen. So I isolate to feel safe. I don't know how to break out of isolation. I don't remember what it's like to feel normal. It's been over a year now that the ptsd symptoms have been controlling my life. I see a therapist and have a very very small support system. But I find myself alone more and more. I don't see light at the end of the tunnel; I only see darkness. When I first found this forum I thought it'd be good to dialogue with people who understand. I'm tired of being afraid. Tired of not knowing how to trust.
thanks for still being here.
I have found this forum extremely helpful in my periods of most extreme isolation. Welcome back. And write again soon.
I'm very isolated as well. I've been trying to break out of it, because I am just so lonely. I try to force myself to speak to at least one person per day. It's not working very well for me at the moment. I have a list of excuses for it, but in reality I just don't want to be lonely yet I do nothing to stop it from overwhelming me. I really am at a loss right now. I've been pretty much isolated for the last three years now. I don't think I even really have a support system anymore. I've frustrated most if not all of the people who were my support system. I'm not sure being safe is better then being lonely.

I wish I had some uplifting words for you or something to help you cope with it. I just can't think of any right now. Just keep trying.

Thanks for your responses. It helps to know that this isolation thing isn't just me...that others struggle too...and maybe there's hope. Maybe.
There is always hope. Even when you feel that even if there was a light to be seen at the end of the tunnel it would probably just be a train... There is always a reason to hope. The world has rainbows. There are the Northern Lights. There are beautiful things in the world that are worth noticing through all the ugliness. I truly believe that if there was no reason to keep on hoping there would be nothing beautiful. There's sunrises and sunsets and flowers and silly putty. OK, so silly putty isn't technically beautiful, but it is fun.

I'm probably not making a lot of sense, but I hope my general idea is put forward.

Many of us understand the isolation. I am sorry it is so hard for you right now. Thankyou for checking in again with us. Remember we are all in this together and we care.

I guess there's always hope, but my life seems to have fallen apart. I'm not sure why after so many years so much has surfaced and is screaming inside me. Today has been an okay day, which is rare. I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning and since I'm not working I tend to sleep way too late which makes me feel worse. I seem to have so little discipline because all my energy gets sucked into the inner turmoil. I just wish it would all go away.
Real, I understand what you are saying. I don't know enough since I am new here but I'm another one here that feels like you do right now..alone and afraid..just raw.
Hi Real

I live with 3 wonderful people but I always feel alone in this disorder. I have been doing a lot of self talk and trying to think of the sick me as "her" somone "else" who I have to take care of and talk to. It is working as I am finally able to leave the house after weeks of total isolation from the world. I know I am getting better, when I was terribly down in this disorder I locked myself away for a couple of months. I am scared too but I know it can and will get better the more I fight for it. You are here on the site again and that is awesome! Somtimes the steps back we take help us move forward. j
Hi Real,

I live a fairly isolated life too. I stay at home during the day and only like to go out in the evening once my husband is home from work. Occasionally, I will go out with a girlfriend to a restaurant for lunch, but even then I am nervous that I will run into a previous abuser. Some of them (the abusers) were really evil and would love to see the look in my eye that I still have fear from The PTS they inflicted.

So I mostly keep to myself at home, with the dog, cat, books, and forum!!

What a crap few days. Hit absolute rock bottom. Monday night 'Extreme Makeover' came on television and they did some facial plastic surgery. Triggered once again thinking about all the reconstructive surgery my friend had after jumping off the building, etc etc. After about 3 hours of my head spinning out over a plastic surgery makeover show I pulled the plug. Downed half a bottle of wine and said to my Mum 'I'm sorry - but can you take me in?'. I just knew if I didn't do it then and there this this would never stop. So in I go - doctor was SO nice. He even complimented me on going in voluntarily and said that must have taken a lot of guts to put my hand up and ask for help (the first time I've felt proud and understood in a long time). He said it is absolutely PTSD (which I knew anyway). My Mum sincerely apologised when she visited (I don't think she knew the gravity of what was going on). I said it isn't her fault and apologised. Got home and my sister's new husband went off his nut! Started saying 'if I want to be part of the family I must be up by 8am for breakfast and sleep like a regular person' and things of nature being yelled at me. I yelled back, packed my bags, and am currently in a motel sorting out my finances to get a place of my own with my Mum being thoroughly supportive of the idea.

I was absolutely appalled at what he did when I got back, and frankly, I wouldnt live with him now if you paid me!

Also, I'm remembering how proud I felt when the doctor said it was so reassuring that what started this whole thing was someone else's suicide and he was convinced for that reason that I wouldn't contemplate doing it myself (the mere mention of the word can set me off).
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