isolation, new diagnosis, spiraling

I haven't left my apartment in three, almost four weeks. I'm running out of food and I'm about to fail all of my classes this semester. I haven't gone to work in weeks and I'm out of money but still; the fact of facing people makes me want to vomit. I am so sick of feeling like I'm failing everyone and myself and losing everyone I care about. I want to be done with it all. I want to just stay in my apartment and have no contact with the outside world ever ever ever again.

I would rather suffocate in my one-bedroom world than go outside. I want it to just be me and my stay-at-home service dog and that's it.
I have to go to work today and I have to catch up on my assignments by Monday.

I was diagnosed last week with a possible mood disorder (possibly bipolar 2) and I feel like screaming. It's sent me into such a spiral I don't know who I am anymore. I can't do this. I don't want to be here. I want to just fade from existence entirely. I make promises I can't keep and I put this pressure on myself to be someone I'm not. I can't do this. I want to give up.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
gentle empathy, theas. a new dx is a tough nut to chew. i've been through quite allot of dx'es from my JPC (just plain crazy) diagnosis in the 60's to my current dx of PTSD, and a new diagnosis still sends me spiraling the proverbial drain. can we fast forward to THE CURE?

sigh. . .

i still want to give up allot and have taken to channeling that desire to give up into making lists of specific habits i might benefit from giving up on. this week i've been a bit hyper-expressive and am working on my habit of interrupting people when they are speaking. that bad habit has been with me since it helped earn me my "manic depression" diagnosis. in case you don't already know, "bipolar" used to be called MD, but medical doctors didn't like competing with the likes of me and stephen spielberg for their professional acronym.

oopsie. . . did i just give away my age? how unladylike of me.
 

Sideways

Moderator
When I'm really struggling, issues start stacking up to an insurmountable tower of things to deal with. Looking at them in total, it's way too overwhelming.

For me, the only way of making any progress? Is to take off small chunks, and deal with them and only them, one at a time. And Maslows Hierarchy comes into its own, because it tells me where to direct my energy.

So (for me?) study would be last on the agenda. I failed one subject 4 times when I was sick. And the upshot? Not much. A bill. That's it. I came back to it later. So, ditch that as a concern.

Priorities? Food. Definitely. Can you order online?

Next up? Leaving the apartment. My starting point for this one was getting to the letterbox and back. Repeated that exercise for days. Didn't get off my own property at first, but when you're at the point where you can't leave the apartment, it's a huge win watching yourself walk out the front door. So I started there, and took the win, to hell with whether other people consider it huge or pathetic or whatever.

The new diagnosis is definitely a big deal. Try and be gentle with yourself while you adjust to that. But remember that if it's right (I personally went the other way - started with a Bipolar II diagnosis, and then later that got replaced with DID, because different parts made me present a lot like bipolar), it's (1) not actually new, you've been dealing with this undiagnosed for years; and (2) a pathway to potentially fantastic treatment options. There are medications to treat Bipolar that are extremely effective for a lot of people, which is a reason to be hopeful. PTSD doesn't have medications that treat the illness, but Bipolar does.

You're dealing with a lot right now. I hope it gets easier, even if none of the above helps at all.
 
I really love this community so much. I feel like I can just throw anything about how I'm feeling out here into the wind and someone understands or gives me support. At this time in my life, I've been feeling so alone and I'm just so glad to have this community and people that genuinely care and help me by sharing experiences or advice I just... I'm trying to take things slowly just letting everything sorta fall where it may. Today was hard and long but I'm not ready to give up quite yet. Here's to tomorrow and hoping it's better than our yesterday. I can't begin to express how much this forum means to me. Thank you all for being here and listening.
 

joeylittle

Administrator
'One day at a time' has gotten me through so many rough patches. It's really OK to put your energy into that, just one day at a time. That, and similar to what @Sideways shared - remembering that when we are really struggling to function, that's the time to keep things very simple. You can only operate from the place you're at - instead of thinking that the worse it gets, the harder you have to push yourself. That won't ever work. When things are getting really bad - simplify your tasks, and take them one at a time. And notice when you get through them.
Today was hard and long but I'm not ready to give up quite yet.
Like this. This is a great way to reflect on a hard day. Hang in there.
 
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