Issues connecting memories?

Kaylove498

Confident
I find myself alot of time almost in disbelief with my memories from when I was younger.

Half the time I feel like the memories are someone else's someone that's lost.

I'll tear up when I think about them because I miss who I was and feel so disconnected from the memories it almost scares me.

I was getting out the house again and even started driving again but I've began to isolate again.

I pulled myself out of it pretty good for awhile but I can feel myself slipping back into it and obsessing again over things.

Has anyone else had these odd feelings about memories from growing up almost like they aren't your memories?

Will I be okay again one day?

I just want to feel here again.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry you're struggling, Kay...

Have you considered that might be normal?
As in childhood memories fade with age, in fact when they are very vivid or relived is a sign they are consolidated differently and need help...

Not that they blur out and fade.

The sense of loss and sadness, and its effects on you, are more problematic than the loss of memories, themselves, and something I'd talk over with a therapist.
 

Kaylove498

Confident
I'm actually looking around for a me therapist my last therapist that I had wasn't the best experience.

I always over think so to I point I overreact on every feeling that I have.

I deal with depression anxiety and being a hypochondriac so every feeling or thought I have I panic about sadly.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
find myself alot of time almost in disbelief with my memories from when I was younger.
100%! Constantly questioning my memories. Constantly questioning whether I'm telling the truth.
And then when I reflect on the memories and put empathy on to that little child: the empathy isn't for younger me. It's for another child. I take myself out of it entirely.

I haven't yet found a way of putting 'me' into my memories. And I haven't found a way of having empathy for younger me.
But *I think* I'm trusting these memories more by thinking about them. In some ways, thinking about this happening to another child is making me trust my memory more, even though there is an emotional disconnect still.
It all feels very unsettling.
And I understand the needing to retreat. I retreat when I'm low. Because the face I put out there is one of being happy and ok ALL the time. Only 5 people, including my T, know snippets of what I've been through (excluding the people who did their stuff). Everyone else sees the façade. And I can't keep that up when I'm overwhelmed.
My T is really helping me. It's taking time, but I can see progress.
Are there other calming things you can do that help you connect to yourself? Like drawing or exercise or some hobby you like?
Do you think you need to build in some socialisation if you can somehow?
 

Kaylove498

Confident
I did start working out more a while back but I stopped an got back into bad habits.

I've actually cut alot of people off recently due to some stressful things that I prefer not to be apart of.

Im trying to refocus on myself because that helped me before but when I get to isolated things get worse mentally for me.

It's hard focusing on myself though because them I get to wrapped up in my own thoughts.

I'm hoping that dealing with myself and being by myself helps me be more okay mentally with the thoughts and feelings of depersonalization.

I do wish I knew where to start though to become more aware of myself and my emotions because that's been another hard part is feeling numb all the time and putting on a fake smile to get through the day.I feel like people can tell I'm faking my emotions.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I do wish I knew where to start though to become more aware of myself and my emotions because that's been another hard part is feeling numb all the time and putting on a fake smile to get through the day.I feel
I think this is where a therapist would help as I imagine it is different for everyone and they could guide you.
I don't feel I have any words of advice as I'm struggling too. But I think there are lots of people on here who are wise and no doubt have advice.

It sounds to me that you know what is healthy for you and what is not. And that you do know yourself quite well. And building trust with that?
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
Kay did you try to, when numb, do something that breaks through the numb and back to feeling, but then stopping the feeling before you get overwhelmed and lost in it?

For breaking out of numb, a variety of grounding techniques can help.

Key is go back to what your senses are telling you and what is going on, around and inside you.

For stopping thoughts & feelings in their tracks, DBT has the Stop technique, ACT has the containment box one...

But just deciding you will deal with any hard issue later, and putting it to rest in your mind, can work too.
 

Powder

MyPTSD Pro
Believing, and going back and forth in that feeling, is normal, I think, for lots of people after having memories surface.

Have you (safely) been able to do any research to confirm any of the memories or hear from anyone from the past reporting similar experiences that would help you to believe your memories have a basis in reality?

I know you had a bad experience in therapy. I'm so sorry to hear that.

I can suggest that when you are ready, aim for a really good one, because A. you deserve that, B. find one based on referals for someone truly known for a good track record with patients with similar trauma types to yours. Again, it takes being honest and frank.

I looked at reviews online in my state for the most highly rated psychiatrists treating C-PTSD, trauma, etc.. Then, I found their email. Then, I emailed the top three of them, requesting which female psychologists they tend to refer their patients with lots of early childhood trauma to.

Without my having to be their patient or pay them any money, one of them responded to my email with a very thoughtful email and a referral to a specific psychologist with a detailed explanation of why she is really good and recommended. At that time, I thought I wanted to pursue EMDR, so I was asking specifically for that, and that was part of her recommendation.

I did go to that psychologist, even though it meant a long drive, but it was a very good experience for me. I did not want to do EMDR, and I ultimately moved and didn't stay long. Nonetheless, it was a good way to locate a warm and talented therapist versus just the usual web search, which went nowhere.

I realized that the Psychiatrists do mostly just drugs, and they rely on psychologists to do the "real heavy lifting" with their clients. And they quickly learn who the really good ones are in their area that they can send their patients to for different needs or problems. So, if you have the desire, I would suggest trying again and maybe trying a strategy of networking. Trying to find a good T. is a challenge. But, having a good one will solve a lot of problems surrounding processing memories.

I hope you find whatever you need.
 
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