Issues with sex


New Here
Sex with my new (8 months) partner isn’t working for me. There’s always an adjustment period for me in a new relationship, but it’s never lasted more than a couple weeks. With this guy, it’s only getting worse. Sorry if this is tmi, but it’s relevant: his size is painful and it’s triggering every single time. If it weren’t for that, I don’t think we’d be having any issues. A big part of my recovery is supposed to be reclaiming sex, but I can’t do that with him, because we’re so limited in what we can do. Feels like a dealbreaker and I’m really down about it.


New Here
There are more types of sex than PIV sex!! That's just one rather overrated type of sex! :) You don't need to do the thing that triggers you to have a "full" sexual experience.


It may very well be a deal breaker.

It’s worth investing in a badass lube, if you haven’t already, since it’s amaaaaazing the difference it makes when one has a sizable issue in play. I’ve known more people on the cusp of breaking up with larger men until someone gave them the <singing Led Zeppelins “Whole Lotta Love”> Whole lotta LUBE! 🤩 trick.

Sliquid & Überlube are personal faves.
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2 other thoughts…

A big part of my recovery is supposed to be reclaiming sex
1. Reclaiming sex can look a lot of different ways.

Personally, I’m not very interested in non-penetrative sex, as something of a baseline. Love & adore all the other stuff out there, but for me, that’s all stuff I want in addition to, not instead of. So if there were penetration problems? That would be VERY high up on my list of things to sort, if I’m to carry on having a relationship with someone… and, yes, from experience there would be a bit of a clock on it. The more innovative and imaginative the lover? The longer the clock. But a clock none the less.

So I very much get the dealbreaker aspect.

2. Conversely, however? How to use triggers as a means to recovery?

So this bloke might actually be the BEST partner to start reclaiming your sex life with, rather than an obstacle to it.

To flesh out that thought a little bit more? Below is how I dealt with an oral sex trigger.

This is just what I did, surrounding my own issues, just making shit up on the fly. Essentially every time something bothered me, or triggered me? I'd do it more, on purpose, to trigger myself into nudging the boundary further away/ increase what I could do without wigging out. Kept playing with it, and poking at it, as things came up.

Physically - Oral Sex

Gave my mouth a helluva lot of sensory experiences
- Talking with my mouth full, or around ice, or under water
- Singing ditto (mouth full, or around ice, or underwater)
- Eating while walking (That was unexpectedly difficult. When I found that out I refused to eat sitting down for a few weeks, and started carrying lolly-pops and sunflower seeds to really trip my brain out!)
- Playing with my tongue (from flipping it upside down, to spinning spaghetti, to counting my teeth, to clicking).
- Playing with my face (blowing my cheeks out, sucking them in, Elvis lips, etc.)
- Different food textures
- etc.

- Trained my throat to swallow thick liquids, to pills, to whole grapes, etc. (I actually researched how drug-mules train themselves to swallow balloons).
- Brushed my teeth & tongue with a washcloth (ironically, works better than a brush).
- Used Chloraseptic (mild topical anesthetic) when necessary.
- etc.

Breath Control
- Swimmers tricks ((One of the primary rules of swimming is that if you can talk? You can breathe. I've actually always used this with panic attacks... But they also came in handy when dealing with my oral sex hangups.)) From gargling to "gulping fishes" (that mixed air & water choking feeling), to snorkeling, to rebreathers. Anything that creates the need to breathe weird, on purpose.
- Singing.
- Whistling
- etc.

(Lastly) Once I was completely copasetic with all the non-sexual aspects of oral anything and everything I could think of... I went on a fellatio mission.
- Researched everything I could about it (lmao, before Internet! That was an adventure)
- Talked to a bunch of people (guys mostly, gay guys even better).
- Took lessons / Practiced with friends
- Learned to breathe through my nose (that was a lightbulb moment! Shazaam. LOL)
- Learned to flip a condom around in my mouth / how to put one on
- etc.


From the other side. This has been a problem for me at times.

So, from my side:

- lube is a must. Feeling like the banana is getting peeled isn't fun.

- penetrative can come second (or third or fourth)

- take time and care to get her into it. Oral until climax can help a lot. Happy, feeling good feeling safe and muscles have had a workout and are relaxed. In your case it bears no resemblance to what happened before.

- the same as stretching before exercise, stretching digitally or using devices is helpful, very helpful. This can be done during the warm up phase. Go slow. Lube up. Feel when things are warmed up and ready. Do it along with other stimulation. Experiment and learn what feels good to her. Every woman is different and has different "hot spots". A little extra encouragement when we hit the right spots is good too.

- Let her be a little cowgirl, get her on top to start. Let her control the action, especially in the beginning. (this will help with her trigger feeling too I bet) Be on top rather than underneath, at least to start.