It Costs So Much Energy

[MysticRose]

Hi,

I've been married for 4 years, we've been together for 5 years. My husband is sweet and he used to feel like a "safe place". Until a year ago, when I started therapy. Whenever I ask for some time alone, he just sits there ignoring me. Whenever I point out that I'm too triggered and stressed to handle the kids and him, he just sits there ignoring me. Because that's the way he thinks it works. I'm at this point where everything seems to annoy me, and unfortunately I don't have a room or corner where I can sit and withdraw myself from the rest of the family. This has been an issue for ages, but I've come to realize how important it is for me. I tried to let him understand. I even wrote down how my daily annoyance works, what I feel, but he thinks it's something that will just go away again if we do not talk about it, like an irritating bug.

Many times I've told him that things HAVE to change, but nothing ever does. Last weekend I felt all that anxiety and arousal coming up again, so I asked him to take my girls to his parents for the weekend. It's an hour drive and he does that once every few months. Explained WHY I wanted him to do so. But he refused and stayed home all weekend. Sat next to me all weekend. Annoyed the h*ll out of me all weekend.

I don't know what to do anymore. We love eachother, but he will never understand me, nor give me the space that I need so badly. My heart tells me to leave and live on my own with the kids. My head tells me to stay. Urghhh. It costs me so much energy. To live with him every day, but also to think of a solution..

 

[Friday]

Option A - He takes the kids and leaves for the weekend
.
.
,
,
.
Option Z - You take the kids and leave forever

Whole lot of other options in between him not taking the kids away for the weekend & you leaving with the kids forever. I would think that if he doesn't want to take the kids and go do something fun? That OptionB, having given him the choice of what he wants to do (go/stay) is you go somewhere for the weekend, yes?

Personally, I believe it's polite to give others the option to go do something fun -like take off for a few days- if I'm being a stone cold bitch and just wanna be left alone; but it's beyond rude to insist everyone else clear out because I'm being a bitch. If I've got my head up my ass and need space to rectify that? There are many many ways to go about doing that. So that everyone gets what they need. Including if both of you need time away from the kids.

 

[Changing4Best]

I agree that you need to go out somewhere like to a restaurant for coffee or just out for a ride in the car or a walk or something., Get yourself out of the situation that is annoying you. Another option is to have a joint session with your therapist, so that he can get another viewpoint on all this. Maybe some literature on PTSD for him would be good. Does your therapist have any? Or maybe he or she can print out some from their computer. I would not suggest divorce as an option, however. I think that is too extreme of a solution, especially since you love one another.

Do you just have another room like your bedroom where you can go to, if this happens again? Maybe just go in there and shut the door. Turn the TV on and hand him the remote, then go there. Use the bathroom if there is no other choice. Lock the door if there is a lock!

 

[MysticRose]

The point is, I always go somewhere else. Because I don't want to trouble my family too much. But sometimes, I just like to sit in my own living room curled up under a blanket, watching whatever I like on tv.. it just seems too much to ask.

My bedroom isn't a place where I can easily go to.

 

[Sideways]

Putting 2 comments you've made together: (1) this started to become a problem when you started therapy (right?); and (2) he will never understand me.

Relationships are an evolving, complex lifeform, and with 5 years and a couple of kids together, I'm really liking the "how can I fix this" approach in your posts (in favour of the alternative: too hard, it's over). Going back to those two comments, I'm going to put it out there that maybe he can, and will, learn to understand you, which is why he's always been your safe place in the past(?).

But maybe you need to allow some space for a bit of growth and movement, for both of you. If you're a year into therapy, probably you're only just getting to know yourself on a lot of levels at the moment. There's a whole lotta soul-searching in the therapy process, and he'll just be getting to know these other elements that make up who you are as well. You're healing and growing - the relationship will need to respond to those changes.

Therapy will also be really painful and stressful at times. Being able to learn ways to self-soothe, and having your partner learn how and when to accommodate those needs, is also going to help (both of you) a lot.

Communication with each other is going to become really essential while you move through recovery, so he can understand what you're learning and how it's changing you and what helps/doesn't help. Including him in the process, having him attend some appointments with you for example, will make that easier, and will help him understand not just that your needs are shifting, but why they're shifting.

Relationships are tough work during therapy, but it can pay dividends. Just because things are tough right now, doesn't mean he won't be your safe place again with a bit of time and work from both sides.

 

[MysticRose]

I will write a full comment later on, but thank you. All 3 of you. It's frustrating and I doubt he will ever fully understand me, as he has autism. But reading your comments did calm me down.

 

[Heather]

Just a thought. How is your relationship with his parents? Could you go stay with them for the weekend and leave him at home with the kids?

Are they supportive at all? Or do you have any family that is close so you can stay with them and decompress for a day or two?