As I work my way down the road of recovery I am at the point where my T is telling me as well as all here "Your abuse at 10 is not your fault". My logical adult brain understands this but it is as if I have two brains because that second one is 100% sure it is my fault for never saying anything. All the damage it has caused in my life for the past 50 years is on me!
Why can I not let that go? I suspect that somehow assigning blame to others is letting me off the hook for my own actions and culpability. I know, it is twisted but honestly I don't know how to cross the bridge. The more I learn and logically understand that it is not the fault of the victim, the deeper my belief that it is my fault. In my mind so many actions throughout my life created negative consequences which ultimately, I am responsible for.
I wish I could get a brain wipe to remove those thoughts but they are really buried deep, deep, deep. I hate the weakness I have shown in my life at various times and am honestly confused, which are my fault and which are driven by the abuse, I can't separate them. Not helping is the fact that my adult memories of various times in my life always focus on the mistakes and negative times. When remembering what in every way should be great times my mind focuses on the 1 thing that was bad and I have flashback memories with the the sick physical feelings that go with them putting me in the room with all the negative feelings.
I puttered through life disassociating from negative feelings and any emotions and while I am now learning more and more about the various traumatic events in my childhood part of me wishes I was not learning about it however my mind has not given me that choice anymore.
Why can I not let that go? I suspect that somehow assigning blame to others is letting me off the hook for my own actions and culpability. I know, it is twisted but honestly I don't know how to cross the bridge. The more I learn and logically understand that it is not the fault of the victim, the deeper my belief that it is my fault. In my mind so many actions throughout my life created negative consequences which ultimately, I am responsible for.
I wish I could get a brain wipe to remove those thoughts but they are really buried deep, deep, deep. I hate the weakness I have shown in my life at various times and am honestly confused, which are my fault and which are driven by the abuse, I can't separate them. Not helping is the fact that my adult memories of various times in my life always focus on the mistakes and negative times. When remembering what in every way should be great times my mind focuses on the 1 thing that was bad and I have flashback memories with the the sick physical feelings that go with them putting me in the room with all the negative feelings.
I puttered through life disassociating from negative feelings and any emotions and while I am now learning more and more about the various traumatic events in my childhood part of me wishes I was not learning about it however my mind has not given me that choice anymore.