BlueWeepingRose
Confident
Please be supportive as possible. This is very hard for me to come forward about this and sometimes I still can't believe that it happened. I've blamed myself for a very long time for this and often as of right now I'm working on my self esteem.
I met him at Walmart and we connected. First we we were friends and eventually we got together. In the beginning he was sweet, caring, loyal and our love making was great even. For once I met someone who loved me or so I thought and overtime I began to notice that something wasn't quite right. I chose to ignore it thinking I was just simply being paranoid and thinking too deeply into things. Overtime things got really bad and than it seemed to have shifted into worse. It's as if crept up on me.
He was emotionally distance, gave me silent treatments, verbally and emotionally abused me, treated me like a sex object, we had blown up arguments which later I blamed myself for and his anger was aggressive. Anytime he got angry, I was scared of him. Overtime I had to be careful with what I said because it seemed as if anything pissed him off. I I said hello to someone or smiled, I was flirting. If I held the door open for someone, it meant that I wanted to sleep with them, I couldn't be friends with any females or males because he feared that I'd cheat on him. He called me ugly, he called me a slut and so many other names that I seriously have forgotten due to having so much anxiety and depression.
There were times where he'd stalk me online, want passwords to certain accounts and get mad at me if I didn't come outside right away when he came to pick me up from my home or pick up the phone when he called. My self esteem was so down and so low that inside I felt numb and overtime I began hating myself or hating when I even spoke for that matter cause anything I said never pleased him. I couldn't say anything right without him flipping out and once he drove down the road like a madman because I broke up with him and he put so much fear into me that I ended saying that it was a mistake and sorry for even saying that.... Even though I wanted to get out, he emotionally blackmailed me, threatened me and told me he'd kill me if I cheated on him ever.
Anytime I tried to get away from him or when he disappeared on me, eventually he came back and it took me so long for me to get out. He'd apologize to me, cry, plead and tell me that he changed. So many of my friends and even my family told me to never go back to him... and as crazy as it seems I was defending him and I have no idea why. Sometimes I feel very ashamed of this for even happening and I blamed myself for so long for this abuse and other times I seriously thought I deserved it. I'm not saying what I went through was worse than anyone else's abuse, I just want my story to be heard. He lied to so many people and told people that I hurt him.... Many people believe him and took his word over mine. He's also the person who raped me and I'm scared to death to tell anyone about it, including my family or the police because I fear what might happened. It's taken me almost a year and a half to tell many people about what happened. There's so many things that happened that my head is wrapped around in so much confusion. I just wanted to get this out.
Please be supportive because I honestly need it right now. I just want somebody out there to know that I'm not crazy like he says I am. He even tried to convince me that something is wrong with me when I clearly know that nothing is wrong with me. I was in an abusive relationship and sometimes I still fear him and have trouble sleeping. I've had a few guys try to get into a romantic relationship with me but I'm not even close to ready and I can't even think of sex for that matter because he treated me like a sex object. For once I want to focus on myself and heal and I don't think thats selfish at all. For those who's been abused: trust me you're not alone and I wish I could give you a huge hug right now.
I met him at Walmart and we connected. First we we were friends and eventually we got together. In the beginning he was sweet, caring, loyal and our love making was great even. For once I met someone who loved me or so I thought and overtime I began to notice that something wasn't quite right. I chose to ignore it thinking I was just simply being paranoid and thinking too deeply into things. Overtime things got really bad and than it seemed to have shifted into worse. It's as if crept up on me.
He was emotionally distance, gave me silent treatments, verbally and emotionally abused me, treated me like a sex object, we had blown up arguments which later I blamed myself for and his anger was aggressive. Anytime he got angry, I was scared of him. Overtime I had to be careful with what I said because it seemed as if anything pissed him off. I I said hello to someone or smiled, I was flirting. If I held the door open for someone, it meant that I wanted to sleep with them, I couldn't be friends with any females or males because he feared that I'd cheat on him. He called me ugly, he called me a slut and so many other names that I seriously have forgotten due to having so much anxiety and depression.
There were times where he'd stalk me online, want passwords to certain accounts and get mad at me if I didn't come outside right away when he came to pick me up from my home or pick up the phone when he called. My self esteem was so down and so low that inside I felt numb and overtime I began hating myself or hating when I even spoke for that matter cause anything I said never pleased him. I couldn't say anything right without him flipping out and once he drove down the road like a madman because I broke up with him and he put so much fear into me that I ended saying that it was a mistake and sorry for even saying that.... Even though I wanted to get out, he emotionally blackmailed me, threatened me and told me he'd kill me if I cheated on him ever.
Anytime I tried to get away from him or when he disappeared on me, eventually he came back and it took me so long for me to get out. He'd apologize to me, cry, plead and tell me that he changed. So many of my friends and even my family told me to never go back to him... and as crazy as it seems I was defending him and I have no idea why. Sometimes I feel very ashamed of this for even happening and I blamed myself for so long for this abuse and other times I seriously thought I deserved it. I'm not saying what I went through was worse than anyone else's abuse, I just want my story to be heard. He lied to so many people and told people that I hurt him.... Many people believe him and took his word over mine. He's also the person who raped me and I'm scared to death to tell anyone about it, including my family or the police because I fear what might happened. It's taken me almost a year and a half to tell many people about what happened. There's so many things that happened that my head is wrapped around in so much confusion. I just wanted to get this out.
Please be supportive because I honestly need it right now. I just want somebody out there to know that I'm not crazy like he says I am. He even tried to convince me that something is wrong with me when I clearly know that nothing is wrong with me. I was in an abusive relationship and sometimes I still fear him and have trouble sleeping. I've had a few guys try to get into a romantic relationship with me but I'm not even close to ready and I can't even think of sex for that matter because he treated me like a sex object. For once I want to focus on myself and heal and I don't think thats selfish at all. For those who's been abused: trust me you're not alone and I wish I could give you a huge hug right now.