It Was My Fault

Skywatcher

MyPTSD Pro
Has anyone gotten past a belief that CSA or adult rape was their fault? How do you do that? My T says that whether something was my fault or not, I still deserve emotional care. My mind is spinning on that as well.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
Has anyone gotten past a belief that CSA or adult rape was their fault? How do you do that? My T says that whether something was my fault or not, I still deserve emotional care. My mind is spinning on that as well.
My husband raped me right before we separated....thought he was going to kill me. He had strangled me once before......while I look back....and the dude is dead now.....
I've only thought maybe I could have handled my emotions differently in that moment.....I didn't need to spew gas on a well-lit fire, and he was violent. But I don't see violence to me as my fault......angry words don't typically result in rape......that's behavior was on him.
 
It took a lot of self-reflection and nudging from my therapist and folks here to get me to really, truly get that it wasn't my fault.

Would you tell someone else who went through what you did that it was their fault?

Do you think that someone else who went through what you did is deserving of emotional care?
 

Skywatcher

MyPTSD Pro
I was reading all of your responses and started to feel that panic/can’t breathe feeling I get in therapy when we talk about this stuff. I would never think rape or grooming was the fault of the survivor, but I have parts of myself that are stuck there. I think that maybe that is why my T is going with the “deserving care” angle. She knows that those parts won’t be receptive to this not being my fault. So she’s trying to work her way in.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
To a point: yes.

Thinking about it being someone else's story and how I wouldn't blame that fictional person. And then trying to feel that compassion for myself.
By learning about me and how I was brought up, and how some things set me up for certain behaviours.
By my T gently re-framing things and me being able, at times, to inter alise that and see it how she does.
Learning compassion for myself.
By saying things out loud "X happened and it wasn't my fault". (Amazing that I could not say those words to start with).
By getting angry towards the abusers.
By grieving for me.

When my T pointed out that, after me looking up one of my rapists on the internet again and this time it didn't result in me thinking I had made it up but instead was angry at his horrible face, that I must have shifted the blame from me to him: it blew my mind. I hadn't even realised that breakthrough had happened! It was then overwhelming to think I had shifted that blame. And it felt great. Something I felt was impossible. But there I was feeling it!
And I have also stopped blaming my genitals. That also felt impossible.

It's hard work. But the outcome is freeing.
 

internal

Sponsor
it's difficult to get to the place of if someone else went through what i did, would i blame them-without actually talking to people who have been through what i did. and i resist the idea of letting go of blame because it being my fault means that i was in control of the outcome.

i have maneged to let go of some of the responsebility for some of it-my ex, the people who bullied me as a teenager. even some of my childhood. a big part of it was excepting that i had no control of the situetion, and that when i could get control, i left.
 
it's difficult to get to the place of if someone else went through what i did, would i blame them-without actually talking to people who have been through what i did. and i resist the idea of letting go of blame because it being my fault means that i was in control of the outcome.
I can see that, because I did think it was my fault for years - because I asked for my abuse. I literally begged for her to abuse me. If I begged to be abused, then wasn't I in control of my abuse?

No. I absolutely wasn't. First, my abuser made the choice to abuse me, no matter how much I asked her to. She had the ability to say no, and she didn't. And second, she gaslighted me into wanting the abuse in the first place.

So although I would assume if many people heard my story from a purely factual perspective that they would blame me, not her, I know the truth. It took me a long time to come around to it, but I now know I'm not to blame in any way.
 

Skywatcher

MyPTSD Pro
My adult part doesn’t think it was their fault. But they are part of me and fully blame themselves. It’s a very strong feeling, too. I do like seeing that some people on here have come through to the other side of believing they that it wasn’t their fault. It gives me hope.
 
Top