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It was the night before Thanksgiving....

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pamcoco

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I took 85 xanax. It wasn't that special of a night, I was alone as usual, abandoned by friends and family as I have been for more than a decade. My moody boyfriend had the flu and yelled at me for being "too needy". the note I left: Sorry mom, I cannot bear to be sick one more day.

But I am sick, ill to the point of suffering daily with a diagnosis of Chronic Lyme, and heart problems doctors refuse to explore and so many symptoms, aches, and pains I could never recall in order to list. Lyme is some sort of a political frenzy, nothing that I care about, but something that has caused any hope I had to come to a screeching halt.

I woke up 5 days later in my bedroom, my boyfriend spoon feeding me ice cream. My only memory other than that was a brief moment in the ICU when the staff was punching me in the arms. I woke up and said STOP HITTING ME. They said they would if I would behave, otherwise I would "never get out of here". I still have faint bruises.

Since then, I came down with a respiratory infection so severe I fractured my rib coughing. My numerous infections in my mouth, legs, feet and the vaginal lichen sclerosus inherited from my mom, torturing me. The Afib I feel daily reached a new level of severity...

I set it all aside and went all out for a wonderful christmas. But my mom after missing 2 days of crucial meds ended up ill, then seriously ill and in the hospital. From her bed she disclosed that my brother on a drug bender a few weeks earlier had called my entire family and her friends to let them know that I was poisoning her.

The verbal assaults that began that evening in the ER by my family, have led to a week of disrespectful accusatory attacks and defamation. My mother chuckling at the absurdity, claimed to be too ill to take any action on my behalf. The crazy accusations have festered in the minds of the sick family members I had told myself I would always avoid.

She is to be released in the next few days and I am now supposed to nurse her back to health in the context of complete crazy accusations. I am the only one in the state of Oregon and my eldest misogynistic brother will return to the Philippines this afternoon, claiming to have flown in to rescue her, but leaving before he need do a thing.

My boyfriend now states that: "this anger you have is destroying you. You gotta find a way to let it go. I know how you feel about your brothers. But he is your mother's son. I think he has a right to see her. It's not right for you to blame your mom for his coming. Barring her getting worse in the next 15 hours, he'll be gone."

Sorry, but I think he is clueless and my brother didn't just come to visit he refused to leave so I could see her alone and has publically accussed me of witholding the information of her health status and even taking her phone away so no family could contact her. Meanwhile I watched my mom laugh at not answering the calls coming in on her cell. She has had her phone since she finished the numerous tests in the ER 6 days ago and I have sent updates with every doctors visit. My mom. knowing my state, has taken no action to protect me in any way, shape or form.

My brother has a right to see his mom and apparently according to my boyfriend to accuse me of causing her illness, withholding info from her family and purposefully harming her.

Go figure, I am feeling hopeless again...
 
Hey @pamcoco well I hope you don't intend on taking 85 Xanax again bc it doesn't seem to have resolved any health or relationship problems does it?

I think you have a rather toxic relationship happening with a number of individuals in your family and honestly some outside support and perspective's from a professional would go a long way towards assisting you find a solution. I'm talking Therapy and immediately.

I'm so surprised you were released so quickly from hospital after a obvious suicide attempt.. but anyway you are home now so moving right along... you will need to become much more proactive about your own self-care and health and try to stop relying on a diagnosis from doctors etc., because that's not getting you anywhere.

Lots of ppl., including myself - find ourselves unwell with chronic conditions that cannot be assisted by medicine. So ramping up to good lifestyle choices is the only option left. Can you give that a try? It cannot hurt can it?

Your brother will do whatever he likes, as will your Mother etc., You cannot control other people. You don't have to like them at all either. But it's one thing to not like someone and therefore avoid and ignore as much as possible and another to constantly ruminate about their bad behaviour. The latter does you no good and doesn't help you.

I guess if you are unwilling to assist your mother you should make your intentions known to the hospital and other family member's asap so arrangements can be made. Is anyone else friend/family etc., going to assist? Those are the sorts of things you probably need to concentrate on.
 
Thanks for your forthrightness, blackemerald1.

Unfortunately I used the Xanax up.

I can be judged by the paragraphs I laid before, alone, but I am 25 years in on therapy, 13 yrs on psychotropic meds and 1 yr on alternative medical meds. I have had chronic medical conditions for a long while and take every suggested opportunity for alternative medicine.

I sometimes find this site too harsh, so just because it isn’t documented here, doesn’t make it untrue. Please refrain from assuming what I have and have not done.

My heart is failing and traditional doctors will not see me. But I have a Naturopath I am actively following and a handful of alternative meds I stomach daily.

My shrink and therapist have insisted I cut off the toxic family I let in surfacely in the last year. Getting rid of them is actually simple and a relief to me.

I called my mom, asked her to tell my brother to leave so I could visit and talk with her about her aftercare. In spite of her assurance he would be gone I arrived 45 minutes later to his combative stare down. I left as my shrink had advised, stating I would not engage.

She claimed herself powerless to his actions as I retorted similar powerlessness to hers.

My boyfriend whom I find currently detrimental to my psychological health, plans to care for her if I am unwilling. Whatever.

He began the battle with my family a week ago by taking on one of my brothers and niece standing up for me without my knowledge, but has ended drinking the same Koolaid I find all normies drink when pressured with conflict they find to um,….. uncomfortable.
 
I sometimes find this site too harsh, so just because it isn’t documented here, doesn’t make it untrue. Please refrain from assuming what I have and have not done.

I assumed nothing... I suggested you try alternatives to conventional medicine... so if you are doing that already - well done.

I don't know what you found to be so harsh in my response or this forum bc I never intended on being harsh... matter of fact.... probably but hey... I am not going to cry over you dropping Xanax like that... if that is what you wanted this is probably the wrong forum...

So glad you are following your shrinks advice and removing yourself from those family members that are causing you such grief.

All in all if you have all the medical, physical, mental and emotional aspects of your life under control... why are you feeling hopeless again?
 
I don't know what you found to be so harsh in my response or this forum bc I never intended on being harsh... matter of fact.... probably but hey... I am not going to cry over you dropping Xanax like that... if that is what you wanted this is probably the wrong forum...

Hey I am all for up front discussion and am perfectly capable of handling myself in confrontation. But if you can honestly find your above statement appropriate, you are right I am in the wrong forum. But I would hope this topic would allow people to be honest and receive support. I take it you are no longer suffering suicidal ideation, so who is in the wrong forum I must ask?

I have often been a person that people have felt too harsh and critical. The best aspect of ptsd for me is the mirror it placed before me, causing me to feel compassion and imperfection to the degree I could embrace it in others.

I say it again, compassion. You are correct I am imperfect and numerous times since the multiple assaults I suffered in 2009 found myself contemplating the value of my time on this planet. But this is neither right nor wrong in my mind.

But, I will now contemplate the time I spend seeking support in the context of abrasiveness such as yours. May you find the humilty to be kind even when you think you are right.
 
But I would hope this topic would allow people to be honest and receive support. I take it you are no longer suffering suicidal ideation, so who is in the wrong forum I must ask?

I'm being honest. I am being supportive in a manner which you may not appreciate...sorry about that...my suggestions were meant to help not hinder... but always they are suggestions not judgements and you still have lots of choices.

I could have couched my suggestions in lots of hugs and kisses and said never mind a dozen times in lots of different ways... but you did start your post off with a actual suicide attempt via overdose and wrote out the contents of your suicide note... That's rather blunt, harsh and dramatic! Let's be real here...this is life and death stuff not something to be tossed around like a salad... Fortunately you made it out of that attempt and still now, have to deal with all of these family issues and generally poor health.

I am never going to encourage somebody to see their failed suicide attempt as a fuzzy wuzzy emotional 'lapse'... it's a serious mental health crisis and there is no room in my view for anything but support away from further attempts and addressing the listed reasons for the attempt. Or at the least get irl psychological support fast.

Suicide ideation... less critical. But you actually attempted suicide - that's not ideation as far as I am concerned.

You did not ask anything specific in your post but you did mention at the end you were again feeling helpless..
Helpless is a feeling that can be worked on.. being dead from taking an overdose etc., cannot be helped anymore...

Please don't hint that I have no place being in this forum...

perfectly capable of handling myself in confrontation.

I'm not confronting you.. I'm not judging you. It's your life.. I want you to live it to the very best you can!! I want you to keep living and never take an over-dose again. But these are your choices.

May you find the humilty to be kind even when you think you are right.

Me being right or wrong... does't matter at all especially when you die bc you think attempting suicide is your only option. This is me being kind... I've got a lot of experience with suicide and it's not forgiving, compassionate ever. It's just final.

Unfortunately I used the Xanax up.

^^Your wording infers that you would make a further attempt if Xanax was available. I'm glad it's not. Please seek out some serious professional help.
 
Again, I have SERIOUS professional help and yes it is blatantly insulting, disrespectful and unhelpful to ignore the fact that I have already disclosed this, but you think yourself so higher than thou to determine it isn't good enough. I need more serious help, better professional help or some bull crap you are slinging. Believe it or not even in the arena of the best therapists money can buy people will still off themselves.

But the most curious question is why you continue to interject when someone finds you completely unhelpful. Is it to prove to me that you are in fact helping somehow? Is it a power thing about your advanced evolvement?

All I can say is, please, please, seek out SERIOUS professional help. It seems urgent that you find someone, soon. Compassion might just be the lifeline you seek. Kindness the fufillment you long for and realizing you too, yes even you, are flawed..Perhaps there might be help to quiet the need to dominate the weak, to bully the sad and tell everyone what is okay to post in your forum of perfected suicidality, your fuzzy wuzzy world of sanity, black and and white, being suicidal is wrong and life is the only choice.

Good luck with that.
 
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