Hope you feel better I was thinking about you last night because I was awake again and having those feelings. I try and ignore them like I try and ignore almost all my feelings. I try and meditate till I fall asleep eventually or sometimes I don’t.
In general though I don’t lapse into suicidal depression. There’s a difference between thinking about suicide and being suicidally depressed . Like that wouldn’t go away. I guess that’s what recovery means for me so far. It’s not a big thing, it means I know I can change that or it will disperse. I know I won’t have to sit with it or drag it around with me all day.
So the good news? It’s not all day all night. It’s HITTING you. Which is harder to deal with, since you’re actually able to f*cking relax and live your life, and then BAM! But it has been all day all night before. So the fear is there, no? Making the sudden descent even harder, as you know how hard it can be, and might be, again? Reverse that shit.
You have been so f*cking badass that this has to creep in like a thief in the night to surprise you.
And you’ve got this.
You can throw their ass out, and wait their ass out, and even if they start camping on your doorstep 24/7/365? You’ve beaten them before, and will do so again. So don’t listen to their lies. Every single f*cking time you get beat down? You get up again. No matter how tired, how shattered, and how much you don’t want to. It’s just a matter of time.
You win. Always have. Always will. And suicidal thoughts? Are reduced to kissing your ass, and trying to sneak the f*ck in, because you. are. just. that. damn. good. Poor things almost deserve your sympathy. Almost. But not quite.