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It's been 2 years since I first posted.

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Learning
I asked "Do I Open This Door?" and it was not a choice. The door opened for me. It opened quite fast, and it subsequently shattered the shoddy foundation my life was built upon at the time.
I remember some of what happened to me as a child. There's still so many memories that I know are hidden away in some place of my brain that I can't reach yet. I can say that half of the memories that came back to me were because I was actively engaging in behaviors that I knew was going to trigger me. I put myself in situations that made me fearful, made me feel patronized, and made me feel almost as vulnerable as I did when I was a child.

I filed a report against my abuser. He fled to Jacksonville Florida, and the District Attorney denied my case. My mother undermined my attempts to legitimize the claims that I know to be true, yet have to convince other people to believe in. I don't talk to her anymore. Sometimes I think there was more than one abuser. When I start to think like that, I like to stop thinking at all. It was hard enough to start accepting that this person did these things to me. But I can see that the problem was not just one abuser, one child. There were too many people to count growing up that exhibited the same behaviors as my abuser. Child abusers are... well, everywhere. They definitely don't go to prison, that's for sure.

It's been two years since my first memories of the abuse started to come back. I know myself a lot better now, and I still don't even know myself. I'm scared of the possibility that new memories will come back. I'm scared of asking the questions that I know have answers that I just don't like. I don't want to accept the answer. I don't want to accept the whole truth.

I'm okay, right now, in accepting that I was abused often, and I am able to remember some of it. The nightmares have not stopped in these two years. I still have them almost every single night. I cherish the days where I wake up and I've only dreamed or just simply don't remember.

New traumas have occurred in the past two years, which makes healing from my childhood trauma very difficult. I can't decide if I should heal the new ones first, or put them on the back burner too. My body holds memories well, and I can count on my body letting me know that my brain has forgotten for me.

I can't believe I ever doubted myself. But I understand why I have for so long. I have a long battle towards acceptance ahead of me. The grieving process of the inner child lost has only just begun.
 
Welcome to your trauma diary :hug: :hug: A strong start!

I'm glad you aren't talking to your mother. That kind of invalidation is not what you need. I understand how you feel -- my abuser fled to another country. Do you have a therapist? You need to have someone around you who validates you. (And, for the record, I believe you.)

There are good people in the world, by the way. I'm so sorry you went through what you did. :hug:
 
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