It's been awhile for a newbie like me here, but with reason.

Complex1

New Here
Recently, I've been looking back on my life, I'm 47 and to say that I look back with a sense of pride about my past would be a lie.

I had a lot going on with me as a child.
Almost sexually assaulted by a cousin who was 8 years older than I was, he was 15, I was 8 (yes, I'm male).
He tried but didn't succeed, but I think that had played a major role in my life for the next 30+ years and my failed relationships with family and more importantly friends and potential girlfriends, and my lack of aggressiveness and lack of self-worth.

As a child, I remember my parents, constantly screaming at each other a lot.
They were divorced since I can remember.
I also witnessed one night my "father" beat my "mother" to a bleeding pulp, all right in front of my very eyes.

My "mother" was a diva and a hoarder.
I moved out to my father at 16 and he was fine for a few years, until I became of age to drink and started to go out and bring home beautiful girls that were friends or potential "girlfriends".
Add to that, my "father" was being manipulated by my "father" and promised he'd get a big inheritance from another family member which my "father's" mother was in charge of. Needless to say, he got very little and so I became his punching bag for the betrayal of his mother and his sister.

I felt scared to go home everyday and night, hoping he'd had passed out from his drinking and wouldn't verbally abuse me like he did for 11 years while with him.

I got kicked out of university in my 2nd year, because I didn't attend lectures. That was my anxiety.
Instead I sat in my car until school was "finished" and then I'd go "home" get my dog and take her for her walk.


I tried going back to college again, but failed. I knew it was the stress, but I didn't realize how bad the stress had been impacting me.

Looking back now, I can't help but feel stupid, worthless, and again, stupid for not realizing at the time, my tormented childhood, my years in my 20s were a fkn' nightmare.
It's no wonder I couldn't sustain any form of relationship with a girl.

I'm 47 now and I'm very uncomfortable being here on earth.
The S word is a constant in my mind and the only thing that's stopping me is the idea that if I decide to do something irrational, I'll lose whatever good memories - mostly my beloved dog, won't come with me when I leave.

But struggling to take a shower, to live, to EAT, is not living.

I do not belong.
I socially isolate in my car, because there's where I feel safest. (a learned behaviour for the the endless days, months and years of not wanting to go home because I'd be dealing with a lunatic drunk POS).


Not sure where to go from here, but it's also nice to see that none of my family members believe me that my cousin tried to sexually assault me when I was 7 and he was 15.

Unfknreal.

Sorry for the rant...or if it was triggering to anyone.
 

Friday

Moderator
Sorry for the rant...or if it was triggering to anyone.
Not something to worry about, much less apologize for. 😁 We’re each of us responsible for minding our own selves …which is hard enough, much less attempting to mind everyone else. One of my favorite pieces from the Community Constitution ?

After all, this is a space where those affected can discuss trauma and its consequences.

The whole site? It one great big giant trigger warning. Just by being here.

So you’re good. No worries.
 

JGirl

Confident
Hi @Complex1. Im new here too. I'm sorry that your family doesn't believe you about your cousin.

I believe you.
I am sorry that you had to go through that. And that you weren't supported. And for all the other crappy things that happened.
You didn't deserve any of it.

I was almost assaulted by my sisters 30 year old finance when I was 11. She caught him trying which stopped him, but stayed with him for several more years. I understand what an attempted assault can do to you.

I can also relate to staying away for fear of abuse. I used to spend hours just walking around to avoid going home and being alone with my sister.
I often feel like I don't belong too.
I want you to know that you are not alone.
 

Complex1

New Here
Thanks both to the both of you for replying.
It means a lot. I don't care to be here anymoe (on earth). The truama, this "pandaemic" it's all so wrong.
Humans have in a major key screwed up things for us plebs. The poor guy, whle the reich/eleite are not affectedby all this b.s.

I'm just done mentally.
But truly , thank you for reading my post, it meant a lot.
 

JGirl

Confident
@Complex1 it sounds like you need some real life support. Do you have a therapist that you can contact? Do you know a local help line number? With some help lines you may have to wait for someone to call you back, but they can be very helpful.
 

Complex1

New Here
Not at the moment. It's okay, but thank you.
There is a number, but I feel like it's pointless. You call, you talk, then eventually you get off the phone and you feel good for a few minutes and back to where you started.
 

JGirl

Confident
People say to take things day by day. Just get through one day. There are some times that is too hard. You need to get through hour by hour, perhaps even minute by minute. I have been there. Those are the times that you need to keep reaching out. It is never pointless to call because it can get you through those minutes. When I get there, I know that I am not going to feel ok for a while, but I try to do something that will help me feel a bit less shitty, or just a smidge better. Perhaps that could work for you.
 

Complex1

New Here
...and the hits keep coming.

A friend of mine, who really was the Mother I wish I had, passed away last week. I just found out yesterday afternoon.

Such an gentle, sweet lovely lady. Unreal.
 

Defaultxlovee

Confident
I know the surreal of an unexpected loss. I'm glad you're on the site. With momentum and consistency it will get easier. You're not to blame for what happened to you. Trauma has a funny way of causing us to turn on our selves. Even to the most well adjusted.

You deserve to live the rest of your life living and enjoying. And as I write this I realize that's true for me too! See you unintentionally helped me just by being here.
 
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