Relationship Its been too long - hubbies "joke" went wrong and how he deals with upsets.... is it ptsd related? x

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Sunshine71

MyPTSD Pro
It has been ages since I posted lovely people. I do hope you are all doing well.
So........
On Saturday we went out for a day - we drove for an hour to go to a little place with what is now our favourite restaurant...... we were launching in the car and our teenage son was in the back.

Hubbie was messing up a joke and I said "OK restart...." and he replies something like..... "I wish I could restart back to 1994" ....... this is when we got married.

I honesty was in shock at how GUTTED I felt, I say there in silence - there was no "banter" back - I couldn't just laugh. I felt as though I had been kicked in the stomach....... I was just stunned at what he said as well as how badly I felt.
So as always his response is the absolutely flare up - he was shouting so loud, full on "black cloud" he said he was driving back home (we had just arrived in the town an hour away from our home. We have these really terrible things from time to time but nothing as terrible as what was going on.
I calmly said I work so hard and I am not going home wasting my petrol - he turned the car around again and drive to the car park.

But here is the thing - he just expects me to "snap out of it" And I am feeling so shaken and fighting back the tears. It came out of the blue, and his reply was nothing to do with what we were talking about - was so quick like a sarcastic comedian.

After I shouted back and with a red puffy face we went to the restaurant and walked around. I was so embarrassed - I don't know how I ate.

As always he has since apologised - it was "banter" and a joke. A joke that leaves your wife shaking and crying isn't really a joke. I wish it hadn't hurt me so much but it just did.

Now - its 2 days later - I just don't want to be with him - I am so gutted he said that and even worse is how he handled it..... I am sitting there gutted and he responds by shouting, screaming at me - I do feel it is verbal abuse. And my son didn't know what to do poor thing.

Life isn't easy with a PTSD husband.... we haven't had sex for over 10 years as he says it causes flashback (his PTSD is related to a car accident) - he doesn't have a lot of work although very busy doing things in the house. And to have something said that I feel is so low and then react like that - it is something I wont forget and it has make me feel even more distant to him.

How can I shake it off?

Is it all PDST related?

Should he be shouting at me and then expect me to just laugh it off?

Anyway as always I am venting here - it is so personal I cant talk to anyone else.

With love and thanks Sunshine x
 
i find myself wondering about "secondary ptsd." these theories are still young and inconsistent, but the simplicity is that living with someone else's ptsd can create a new set of symptoms in the supporters in response to the constant exposure. just a theory and i am only wondering.

anyhoo. . .

anger channeling is usually my most effective tool for "shaking off" such inappropriate humor from my own hubby. for this one, i might even go so far as to tape a picture of hubby to my kick boxing bag. enough is enough, jerk-off! ! !

steadying support while you find what works for you.
 
Is it all PTSD related? Should he be shouting at me and then expect me to just laugh it off?

No. This is abusive. PTSD does not give anyone a license to abuse others and abusive behavior is not in the diagnostic criteria. Are people with PTSD more likely to be abusive? Almost certainly. Is it acceptable? Absolutely not. He is a legally competent adult man. He is responsible for his behavior. Full stop.
 
Life isn't easy with a PTSD husband.... we haven't had sex for over 10 years as he says it causes flashback (his PTSD is related to a car accident) - he doesn't have a lot of work although very busy doing things in the house. And to have something said that I feel is so low and then react like that - it is something I wont forget and it has make me feel even more distant to him.

How can I shake it off?

Is it all PDST related?
Those kinds of big emotional flare-ups are in-line with PTSD symptoms. But that doesn't mean that you just need to continue tolerating them.

It sounds like you may be hitting the point where he needs to get professional help, and get his symptoms under control - or at least start to show some progress, some interest in actually working on the trauma issues. That's a very fair thing for you to want.
Should he be shouting at me and then expect me to just laugh it off?
Nope - not if you are hurt by it, or bothered by it. He doesn't get to expect you to tolerate pain, any more than you'd expect him to. But marriages are complicated. Being married to someone with PTSD - or any serious mental illness - that's definitely complicated.
Now - its 2 days later - I just don't want to be with him - I am so gutted he said that and even worse is how he handled it..... I am sitting there gutted and he responds by shouting, screaming at me - I do feel it is verbal abuse. And my son didn't know what to do poor thing.

Life isn't easy with a PTSD husband.... we haven't had sex for over 10 years as he says it causes flashback (his PTSD is related to a car accident) - he doesn't have a lot of work although very busy doing things in the house. And to have something said that I feel is so low and then react like that - it is something I wont forget and it has make me feel even more distant to him.
Have you ever looked into ways you can get some 3-D (real world) support systems in place for yourself - maybe it's therapy, maybe it's a support group for people living with mental illness sufferers...I'm glad you can come here and vent, this isn't a suggestion to never use this forum - I'm just thinking about ways you can have some resources, so you can start to build up some resilience in your communication skills, and feel more able to tell him how you're feeling, and why it matters that he take this seriously and get real help.
 
i find myself wondering about "secondary ptsd." these theories are still young and inconsistent, but the simplicity is that living with someone else's ptsd can create a new set of symptoms in the supporters in response to the constant exposure. just a theory and i am only wondering.

anyhoo. . .

anger channeling is usually my most effective tool for "shaking off" such inappropriate humor from my own hubby. for this one, i might even go so far as to tape a picture of hubby to my kick boxing bag. enough is enough, jerk-off! ! !

steadying support while you find what works for you.
Hahaha! At least it will keep us fit while venting anger! :) x

No. This is abusive. PTSD does not give anyone a license to abuse others and abusive behavior is not in the diagnostic criteria. Are people with PTSD more likely to be abusive? Almost certainly. Is it acceptable? Absolutely not. He is a legally competent adult man. He is responsible for his behavior. Full stop.
Thank you - I really appreciate this reply x

He was an ass… PTSD be damned.
😅

Those kinds of big emotional flare-ups are in-line with PTSD symptoms. But that doesn't mean that you just need to continue tolerating them.

It sounds like you may be hitting the point where he needs to get professional help, and get his symptoms under control - or at least start to show some progress, some interest in actually working on the trauma issues. That's a very fair thing for you to want.

Nope - not if you are hurt by it, or bothered by it. He doesn't get to expect you to tolerate pain, any more than you'd expect him to. But marriages are complicated. Being married to someone with PTSD - or any serious mental illness - that's definitely complicated.

Have you ever looked into ways you can get some 3-D (real world) support systems in place for yourself - maybe it's therapy, maybe it's a support group for people living with mental illness sufferers...I'm glad you can come here and vent, this isn't a suggestion to never use this forum - I'm just thinking about ways you can have some resources, so you can start to build up some resilience in your communication skills, and feel more able to tell him how you're feeling, and why it matters that he take this seriously and get real help.
Thank you so much for your kind reply -- hubbie had therapy and it really just made everything worse - the thing that helps is getting out, working and not going through it all..... his sleep walking and most nightmares stopped / slowed down when he stopped therapy - and I can not see him going back.

I had some CBT as well - but again just talking about all of the stress each week was terrible - I came back not able to talk to hubbie :( I just wanted help/ coping mechanisms where it turned into me going through all of the rubbish not getting answers.... maybe there is something else for me!! Thank you again x
 
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