If no one is willing to celebrate thanksgiving with me, are they really going to care if I am gone? My entire like I have tried so hard to have a thanksgiving. I don't want my first thanksgiving dinner to be at a restaurant with strangers. Besides, the prices they are asking are astronomical. $50 seemed to be the average. Besides, most places save they don't have any spots open.
For charities and stuff, I would have had to contact them like 2 weeks ago, but wouldn't qualify anyways.
Honestly though, if no one has wanted to spend a holiday with me in 37 years, is that really going to change? The fact is, that I don't mean enough to anyone to I felt relived when my mom killed her self. I have a feeling that is what my husband well feel like with me. I think he feels trapped with me. His interpretation of what boundaries say a lot. Even though I am crying right now, it kinds of makes me laugh. He is so convinced now that boundaries mean physical boundaries. That means he puts up a line of tape and tells me "this is my side and that is your side and neither one of us cross it." I try to tell him that it means things like, if you keep yelling at me I am going to put in ear plugs or leave. Oh boy does that piss him off. He calls that threats and ultimatums. That turns in to him telling me if I go out in the cold or ignore him, he will call the police. He has done that in the past because in his mind it is a threat.
Anyways he went to the store. I can cope better when he isn't around because having him avoid me by being gone, is better than him burring himself in his video game. If I try to sit next to him he complains about the smell of tobacco on me. It is hard to tell how real that issues is for him due to past experiences where it clearly didn't bother him.
I miss my Papa. Considered for a while making making some stew tomorrow and sharing a mile with him at his shrine. I think I am offending his spirit enough just by doing that and talking to him there. In life he would be so offended due to his religious beliefs. I am kind of afraid of disappointing him.
I think a lot about how my mom killed herself and why. I have been close to taking pills just on a random impulse, but I have spent my life trying to be the complete opposite of her. That have been my driving force in the past for not committing suicide. I don't want to be like her. Maybe I don't have a choice, genes and all that. I am addicted to cigarettes. and while that was the one thing she wasn't addicted too, there is still that pattern.
I am really worried about people thinking I am just threatening suicide. I am not threatening, I am discussing the fact that I feel suicidal, but the crisis people I think think I am just crying wolf. Maybe I am, because if I got a call and someone asked me to spend thanksgiving with them. I would be the happiest person in the world. Dude, I would totally take some many pictures and make a scrapbook and everything. I actually bought a notebook this year to record my thanksgiving day memories this year, got this stupid thought in my head that is I acted like it was going to happen, it would. I returned it though. That's the thing though, I keep coming up with ideas that really show how pathetic I feel. Heck even playing pretend thanksgiving like a kid plays with toys has crossed my mind. If it was just one year, or even 5 years of no thanksgiving, no holidays, but my entire life. I am still waiting for my first. I still have this image in my head, that can never come true. Still holding out hope.
For charities and stuff, I would have had to contact them like 2 weeks ago, but wouldn't qualify anyways.
Honestly though, if no one has wanted to spend a holiday with me in 37 years, is that really going to change? The fact is, that I don't mean enough to anyone to I felt relived when my mom killed her self. I have a feeling that is what my husband well feel like with me. I think he feels trapped with me. His interpretation of what boundaries say a lot. Even though I am crying right now, it kinds of makes me laugh. He is so convinced now that boundaries mean physical boundaries. That means he puts up a line of tape and tells me "this is my side and that is your side and neither one of us cross it." I try to tell him that it means things like, if you keep yelling at me I am going to put in ear plugs or leave. Oh boy does that piss him off. He calls that threats and ultimatums. That turns in to him telling me if I go out in the cold or ignore him, he will call the police. He has done that in the past because in his mind it is a threat.
Anyways he went to the store. I can cope better when he isn't around because having him avoid me by being gone, is better than him burring himself in his video game. If I try to sit next to him he complains about the smell of tobacco on me. It is hard to tell how real that issues is for him due to past experiences where it clearly didn't bother him.
I miss my Papa. Considered for a while making making some stew tomorrow and sharing a mile with him at his shrine. I think I am offending his spirit enough just by doing that and talking to him there. In life he would be so offended due to his religious beliefs. I am kind of afraid of disappointing him.
I think a lot about how my mom killed herself and why. I have been close to taking pills just on a random impulse, but I have spent my life trying to be the complete opposite of her. That have been my driving force in the past for not committing suicide. I don't want to be like her. Maybe I don't have a choice, genes and all that. I am addicted to cigarettes. and while that was the one thing she wasn't addicted too, there is still that pattern.
I am really worried about people thinking I am just threatening suicide. I am not threatening, I am discussing the fact that I feel suicidal, but the crisis people I think think I am just crying wolf. Maybe I am, because if I got a call and someone asked me to spend thanksgiving with them. I would be the happiest person in the world. Dude, I would totally take some many pictures and make a scrapbook and everything. I actually bought a notebook this year to record my thanksgiving day memories this year, got this stupid thought in my head that is I acted like it was going to happen, it would. I returned it though. That's the thing though, I keep coming up with ideas that really show how pathetic I feel. Heck even playing pretend thanksgiving like a kid plays with toys has crossed my mind. If it was just one year, or even 5 years of no thanksgiving, no holidays, but my entire life. I am still waiting for my first. I still have this image in my head, that can never come true. Still holding out hope.