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It's getting easier to do.

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Fadeaway

MyPTSD Pro
If no one is willing to celebrate thanksgiving with me, are they really going to care if I am gone? My entire like I have tried so hard to have a thanksgiving. I don't want my first thanksgiving dinner to be at a restaurant with strangers. Besides, the prices they are asking are astronomical. $50 seemed to be the average. Besides, most places save they don't have any spots open.

For charities and stuff, I would have had to contact them like 2 weeks ago, but wouldn't qualify anyways.

Honestly though, if no one has wanted to spend a holiday with me in 37 years, is that really going to change? The fact is, that I don't mean enough to anyone to I felt relived when my mom killed her self. I have a feeling that is what my husband well feel like with me. I think he feels trapped with me. His interpretation of what boundaries say a lot. Even though I am crying right now, it kinds of makes me laugh. He is so convinced now that boundaries mean physical boundaries. That means he puts up a line of tape and tells me "this is my side and that is your side and neither one of us cross it." I try to tell him that it means things like, if you keep yelling at me I am going to put in ear plugs or leave. Oh boy does that piss him off. He calls that threats and ultimatums. That turns in to him telling me if I go out in the cold or ignore him, he will call the police. He has done that in the past because in his mind it is a threat.

Anyways he went to the store. I can cope better when he isn't around because having him avoid me by being gone, is better than him burring himself in his video game. If I try to sit next to him he complains about the smell of tobacco on me. It is hard to tell how real that issues is for him due to past experiences where it clearly didn't bother him.

I miss my Papa. Considered for a while making making some stew tomorrow and sharing a mile with him at his shrine. I think I am offending his spirit enough just by doing that and talking to him there. In life he would be so offended due to his religious beliefs. I am kind of afraid of disappointing him.

I think a lot about how my mom killed herself and why. I have been close to taking pills just on a random impulse, but I have spent my life trying to be the complete opposite of her. That have been my driving force in the past for not committing suicide. I don't want to be like her. Maybe I don't have a choice, genes and all that. I am addicted to cigarettes. and while that was the one thing she wasn't addicted too, there is still that pattern.

I am really worried about people thinking I am just threatening suicide. I am not threatening, I am discussing the fact that I feel suicidal, but the crisis people I think think I am just crying wolf. Maybe I am, because if I got a call and someone asked me to spend thanksgiving with them. I would be the happiest person in the world. Dude, I would totally take some many pictures and make a scrapbook and everything. I actually bought a notebook this year to record my thanksgiving day memories this year, got this stupid thought in my head that is I acted like it was going to happen, it would. I returned it though. That's the thing though, I keep coming up with ideas that really show how pathetic I feel. Heck even playing pretend thanksgiving like a kid plays with toys has crossed my mind. If it was just one year, or even 5 years of no thanksgiving, no holidays, but my entire life. I am still waiting for my first. I still have this image in my head, that can never come true. Still holding out hope.
 
I can't take anymore I panic because I don't know where he went and when he gets home I wait outside and freezine as he pulls in and he asks me to carry stuff in I say I ma wearing a short sleeve shirt let me get something warmer and he says "fine goin inside empty handed" I can't can't I can't I panic when he is gone but can't stand heow he talks to me when he is
 
@Fadeaway I really feel that you need to check into the hospital to make sure that you’re safe. You know, many other people are home alone on the holidays and they make do ok. I’m alone and yes at one time I was suicidal because of it. Then I learned that it’s ok, to be alone. I don’t dwell on things anymore, it only causes more pain to do so. I focus on the better things.

I hope that in the end, your day was ok...
 
Honestly though, if no one has wanted to spend a holiday with me in 37 years, is that really going to change?
if I got a call and someone asked me to spend thanksgiving with them. I would be the happiest person in the world. Dude, I would totally take some many pictures and make a scrapbook and everything.

Your husband is a person to spend thanksgiving with. A person who loves you.
 
I hope that you do go to the hospital as I am concerned about your state of mind right now. I am with you in spirit and I do not want you to harm yourself at all. You are a very special person and do deserve to have some happy holidays.

I think that you really need some good and positive attention right now. I think the people at the hospital will understand and believe you, I believe you. I am sorry that your husband was kind of cranky and impatient with you. There was nothing wrong with wanting to get on something warmer to carry things into your home.

I do not know what time it is where you are but this day is going to end and you will feel better. I do not think that you are pathetic at all, just very deprived and lonely and for you this holiday is not good for you the way you are feeling and that you need some good help.

I feel powerless to help you and I would invite you here to help me decorate my little tree and eat my chicken dinner with me. We could go outside and smoke and talk and laugh and it is eighty seven degrees outside today and very sunny so you would not freeze.

I agree with @She Cat you really need to make yourself the top priority right now. I will be here all day if you want to talk and I will just listen and support you.:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
 
@She Cat I have tried so hard to get myself admitted. The only way appears to make a faux attempt. They have no open beds right now. The mobile crisis unit did not take me to the hospital.

Your husband is a person to spend thanksgiving with. A person who loves you.
Nope to him Overtime pay > spending 30 minutes with me. I can't get him to spend any time with me. He did finally tell me that the problem is he feels like he doesn't fit into the cliques at work so he has to prove himself in other ways.
Anyways he has made it loud and clear that I am not worth it to him to spend holidays with.
 
I just wanted to say that the stew idea sounds good to me. What ever your father's beliefs, I think God (in what ever form you imagine God) will honor your spirit and your father would too.

Sorry your husband isn't great at this sort of thing, but I'm glad your here, on the forum and in the world. Stick around, ok? Good times and bad times come & go, Neither of them last forever.
 
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