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It's getting harder and harder to convince myself suicide isn't the answer

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JustJeri2215

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I cried myself to sleep last night to the sound of my husband snores. When I woke up this morning I can't shake the thoughts of suicide. Everything I look at is just inspiration. Usually this only happens after I have been triggered. I kind of feel like I have been but all I did was wake up? I was going to talk through this with my husband but we ended up getting into an argument. I'm upstairs in my bedroom trying to meditate these thoughts out of my head. My eyes keep wondering to the cable cords in the corner of our room. I have used them once before to create a slight break in my wind pipe. Right now I miss the comfort of having it around my neck knowing I had the power to end all of the pain that is my existence. My 2 year old daughter is downstairs. . .I don't want to think these things or act on them when I obviously have to perfect reason to fight this just a few steps away.
I just can't keep up anymore. The last talked I had with my T ended with a new diagnosis, CPTSD. I live in my hometown where all of my trauma took place triggers are literally everywhere. I feel like I spend my day trying to claw of of the stone well that is my PTSD. I fight away trigger after trigger doing my best to shake them off in the most beneficial ways. But no matter what I do/try I end up back at the bottom of the well, drowning. Mornings like today I just don't have the strength to fight my way back up.
 
I'm glad you reached out to us. I know you feel alone but you're not. We're here.
Go downstairs and hug your child. You need her as much as she needs you.

I know you are feeling suicidal but you don't want to hurt yourself or you wouldn't have came here. Finish your meditation and go hug your little girl.

If you have to call the support line - National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1 800 273 8255 - they can talk you through this.

XO
 
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I have a similar issue. Mornings are horrid. Triggers are everywhere. I actually did attempt to take my life three times three years ago. It was calculated, I had no wish to,continue life. I have no family. I noticed you have a young daughter. So I thought is there a way you can get out of the house with her and go do things, if so, I think the distraction may help significantly. If she goes to school, is there any sort of activity, with friends that is possible. Im considering a move to a real city a few hours away because I have the am extreme panic that goes on for hours. It’s awful, i understsnd as much as anyone what you are going through, and I’m sorry. Truly. I found those crisis lines useless, in fact they are trained if they detect you are thinking to do something to call the police. Who wants police knocking on the door when you want help, not forced help. So I personally don’t find them much help, but you could try and see what you think.but I think the idea of finding anything that might possibly be of interest to do one way to cope, although in my current small town, I have not been able to find that, and get engulfed in fear. I truly understand.
 
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