• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

It's like i never left

Status
Not open for further replies.

Scarlet13

MyPTSD Pro
Ok, so I am putting this here in relationships, but its about being extremely triggered.
My husband recently admitted to committing financial infidelity and we are working on this and getting into therapy.
I did a post about it somewhere.

I have had normal reactions of anger, sadness, even disgust. I am excited that he is owning his mistakes and we will hopefully be helped by therapy because I really do love him.

The problem is that he pretty much seems like my father or stepdad to me.
My mother was always lied to. My father cheated on her and bought things without her awareness. My stepfather was a sociopath and constantly lied. He lied about abusing me. He once pretended he had a job and went "to work" but was really just walking around for months.

My mother put up with this, trying to fix him and make things seem normal.
So now I am not only legitimately upset by my husband's betrayal but also extremely triggered.

I am so triggered and just so upset by everything that I am disassociated.
I look at my husband and I just see my stepfather who abused me.
I feel disgust.
I shrivel at his touch.
He used to be my knight in shining armour.
(We have some codependency issues. I am trying to save myself.)
The one person who brought be comfort, safety, and security has betrayed me.
And this was my mother's reality. This was my reality as a child. Lies, insecurity I never really got out of it.
Can situations be different?
I know I married a good man. Or did I?
The PTSD is making it hard to tell.
My husband lied about our financial situation and let me see expensive doctors while being so ill from benzo withdrawal. He was afraid I would kill myself so he lied out of desperation. Benzo wd can be very, very dark and disabling.
He also thinks he cannot say no to me so we are working on that.
Everything is so hard right now and I am extremely triggered.
It feels as though I never left my child hood home. Like I am cursed or doomed.
But he is willing to go to therapy. He is not a sociopath. Maybe this is different.
I am getting up courage to address all of this in therapy.
It feels as though I cannot ever have any goodness.
 
It sounds like his behaviour triggered an emotional flashback. I just learnt about them from Pete Walkers book C-PTSD from surviving to thriving.
I'm just coming out of one triggered by our abusive neighbor. They are horrible but being mindful that your in one, helps get out of it.
Your husband sounds like a good man who was just trying to protect you. You are very lucky, the father of my children is a sociopath and the pain goes on and on, for real and terrible reasons that are very now.
Not trying to invalidate what you are going through but as you said, he's not a sociopath. Try to focus on that and put it is perspective.
 
((( @Scarlet13 )))
I hear you... I am 4 times divorced... Always picked the wrong men.

Give yourself time to heal? Feelings ARE, and it's hard not to judge them. But, no matter what, you are allowed to FEEL. Sometimes things come up so they can be healed...

Your husband did the wrong things for the right reasons...:hug:

BRAVO for kicking Benzos!!!❤️
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top