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It's like nothing has changed

Discussion in 'Sexual Assault' started by NatukeiNeko, May 7, 2018.

  1. NatukeiNeko

    NatukeiNeko New Member


    I'm new here, I joined only a few minutes ago. I joined because... I saw his name, again, the little google hangouts message, just like every other time I check my email. "You were in a call with _____" or whatever it is that it says. The anger, the shaking, the fear, the cold, it all comes back every time. Then I think "how is he doing? how dare he have even existed for me to be reminded every time I check my email!" and I read the messages, and I look for any trace online of how he is doing now.

    It was more than three years ago now: End of December, 2014. I spent three years, hiding from the world, trying to hide from what he did, trying to hide from feeling. A whole year spent having bathroom problems, stomach problems, anytime I so much as talked to a person. Another year spent feeling nothing at all, numb to everything and everyone. Lastly a year spent learning how to feel and function again around people, on my own, and finally accepting myself as a person, loving myself.

    That first month, I couldn't even tell anyone (to this day my family doesn't even properly know, and I don't want to hear that "I told you so" from them), and when I did I was terrified. Him and his group, they made me feel worthless, it was all my fault, I got less than what I even deserved for how horrible of a person I was. It took so long, even after hearing from anyone who I told or who heard about it that I was a child being taken advantage of, that it was a horrible thing he did, no matter what, and I was a victim, I wasn't to blame. I was only just about to turn 18 when we met, and him about to turn 30.

    I thought... no I knew I wasn't better, but I had hoped. I met my wonderful fiance right after I finally became content and even happy with myself. I am a hyper-sexual person, as he is. A Nymphomaniac and a Satyromaniac. I had gotten over online sexual activities almost immediately after the incident. With how I am, I don't think I could ever be stopped from having sex, with those I care about, or I suppose if I simply wanted it that bad. Mind you, in real life I've truly only had sex with 4 men (this one will be my last, happily) two of them having been rape (the first, not traumatizing, just annoying and shattered me, but only for a little bit). Just because I'm a nymphomaniac doesn't mean I can't be a hopeless romantic. I have always wanted a dedicated relationship, and as long as I'm not abused or tossed to the side, as long as I'm treated as a human being, I will never, ever cheat.

    The first night my fiance and I had gotten together, we had gotten sexual. If I remember correctly, it was either that night, or the next that I had broken down in front of him. I warned him it would happen, I'm no stranger to psychological disorders, or PTSD, and I know how to deal with them... which makes it even more annoying how present it still is for me. To break down, because I can't properly enjoy myself with my soulmate, because HE took it all out of me: my trust, my comfort, my love, my ability to enjoy another person's touch the same way; it's humiliating.

    Later still, after my fiance had proposed to me, and we had worked through so much together, we truly share everything, we are perfect together, every fight we work through to become stronger, and no problem is left unsaid, not for long. We push each other to fight for this.
    One night during our role-play, he did something that reminded me too much of that night... the position, the RP, the words... even how he laid down after. I broke down so completely, because in that moment, I was right back there, like it was happening all over again. I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to move, for fear of him noticing, him wanting to leave me or tell me how horrible I am, how lucky I am that he is with me, that he hasn't tossed me aside YET. I thought all of this, about a man who has never done anything but support, console, comfort me, be the absolute most perfect fiance and future husband that I couldn't even have dreamed of. I compare him to that miserable excuse for a human being... And he held me, he apologized, he caressed me and made everything better... but it's not going to end is it?

    It seems that no matter how long it has been, every few months even, sometimes more often, I have a breakdown, a relapse, a flashback, something that makes me feel like I've made no progress at all. For a little bit everything is fine, and I think "was that even PTSD? I don't even care, as long as it's gone now". But to get so... just from seeing his NAME. When will it end?
    Why- how can I let this affect how I see my soulmate, even if only for a moment?

    Sorry this post was so long... I have never posted about any of this anywhere... Very few people know... I just... I needed to finally tell the world what happened, even if just to remind myself what exactly did happen, as I constantly still need to remind myself that it isn't my fault. Now to try to calm down for the next hour at least to get the shaking, the fear, the hyperventilating to stop... I hate how cold I always feel when I'm like this.
    Swift likes this.
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  3. Sietz

    Sietz Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome.

    There's an option on hangouts to delete the conversation, also on gmail. I'm not sure you can block though, but I think so.

    I'm so sorry this happened to you.
    And it's absolutely not your fault.
    Swift and blackemerald1 like this.
  4. zombycat

    zombycat Member

    I have bad news for you, hun. This is probably going to be with you your whole life. But I have good news for you too. Even now, as you yourself have said, its a tiny part of your life, and the rest of your life sounds oh, so good. I'm not discounting how awful it feels when trauma rears its ugly head and take over your life for a while, but with self care and patience with yourself and with your mind's need to process it sometimes, you can hang in there until the sun shines again.
    Swift and blackemerald1 like this.
  5. NatukeiNeko

    NatukeiNeko New Member

    Yeah, I finally archived it so I don't have to see it anymore. I don't delete such things. What he did was illegal, and I've had people try to get me again before, I'm not deleting what could possibly save me, or show him justice.

    Thanks... it's an awful, terrifying thought that it will always be there... but it's better to know what my future may be when it comes to this, better to help me deal with it. Thank you.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 11, 2018
    Sietz and Swift like this.
  6. zombycat

    zombycat Member

    Every time I've been faced with a mental health issue, discovering what it is I'm facing and how others have had success in dealing with it has been a life changer for me. It's so much more manageable to face something when I know what to expect.

    I expect to get better. I expect it will take time. I expect I need to be patient with myself during this process. Etc, etc... I find it calming
  7. Swift

    Swift Well-Known Member

    Hey and welcome.
    None of that was your fault.
    It sucks that he took advantage of your age. But even if he were 18 and you were 30, it wouldn't have been your fault.
    Archiving is a great way to go.
    I actually changed my email address and set it up to forward stuff I cared about, with all the BS on the old account that isn't on my phone.
    Congratulations on your engagement.
    It takes a lot of courage to post here.
    Sietz likes this.
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