It's my time to vent.

PTSDisaster

Confident
After nights, weeks, months of being silenced. It's my time to speak and vent.

One year ago my grandmother got in the hospital and passed away. I went back into survival mode, somehow ignored my agoraphobia and I went on a 2 hour drive to see my grandmother and support my mother, almost every day. When she passed away, an acquaintance of mine arranged the funeral (he is a funeral director). From this moment my sister started hating me for some reason. She was angry that I arranged everything and my mom couldn't do it the way she wanted. Except the fact that my mother asked me to arrange everything with this acquaintance.
Two months later I got some bad news, lost my income and I also decided I didn't want any contact with my father (My father is a narcissist who sexually and emotionally abused me and my sister). I told my sister that I needed to quit some subscriptions to save some money and she was only interested in 'Ugh but I need to find someone else I can have this subscription with'. After that she couldn't even be bothered to tell me the sex of her baby, every event regarding her life/pregnancy I was left out from. That hurt a lot, and that's an understatement.

She never told me what I did wrong, why she's mad or whatever. A few years ago when I became sick of PTSD, she told me she didn't want to hear anything about it because: 'I am very happy now and your misery is making me unhappy, I can't use it.'
My mother visited her a few months ago and she told her all the issues she had with me. For example, me not wanting to speak to my father and going to a therapist because my dad can't defend "his side of the story".

It's all making me a little bit crazy. I'm feeling really powerless, I'm having nightmares and litterally screaming in my sleep. So it's really time that I speak my mind for everyone to hear. I am REALLY confused how she thinks it's a good idea to alienate me when I'm in rock bottom's basement. How can someone make this about them? I was losing weight real fast, vomiting all day for months, I can't leave my house because of my disorder but this is about you?? You must be really really selfish and selfabsorbed to think this has something to do with you and alienate someone.

I don't deserve this, no one deserves this. But sometime I really wish you'd feel exactly the same and finally understand that you're a messed up person for treating me like this.
 
My nephews birthday is coming up, he is turning 2. It always makes me think a lot about how I want to congratulate everyone. I am definetely going to send a card addressed to my nephew. I actually don't want to send my sister a message 'congratulations with your son' but if I don't I think it will be one more reason to not ever speak to me again. This birthday also made me realise I have never seen any photo of my younger nephew and it makes me so sad. She wrote me a card when he was born, with a statement not calling me his aunt.

I hate this feeling like I'm walking on eggshells while I haven't done anything wrong. She has replied to my text since my last post, saying she doesn't want me around because I am too negative (because I've got ptsd and agoraphobia). I really start hating her but I also don't want to lose her forever.
 
Do you think maybe she's in denial about the abuse she suffered, and by you acknowledging your abuse it makes her uncomfortable to the point where she has to see you as the problem and not your father?
 
Do you think maybe she's in denial about the abuse she suffered, and by you acknowledging your abuse it makes her uncomfortable to the point where she has to see you as the problem and not your father?
Thank you for your reply!! My T and I do think indeed that it's coming from some type of anxiety. And as you said, probably has to do with the abuse she suffered and not able to deal with it. I think it became so much worse since she got children too, which makes sense cause she will understand now what it's like to be a parent and how bad it is to abuse a child. Also, I am a much easier person to be mad at than our father and she is supercontrolling of her children.

I think I have to sit it out untill she will be aware that I'm not the problem, but it hurts so much to be alienated all the time
 
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