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It's Not All About You

Discussion in 'General' started by becvan, Nov 25, 2007.

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  1. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

    It's not all about you.

    Please reread that about a hundred times.

    When there are threads or posts about a member having a tough time, it's not about you.

    When there are threads or posts about a member struggling with suicide, it's not about you.

    Members seem to think they are personally responsible for everyone's state of mind and current circumstances. They then post like crazy with "I'm so sorry" or send pm's in a flurry to "right their wrong." This makes the members in a crunch feel even more alienated, because now you have made them responsible for your emotions. It is NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.

    If you know you have done something wrong (lord knows I have) post an apology. For something you did. Not for some flimsy connection that you decide was your doing.

    Over apologizing, over caretaking, and over identifying can cause some serious issues for members. If someone is talking about their trauma, it's not about you. It's about them. Acting as if everything is your fault, forces others to constantly reassure you that it's not your fault.

    Some of you may have noticed I will simply ignore people who do this in my threads or diary. I do it for a reason. I refuse to get sucked into a posting reassurance flurry because I know.. it's not about them.

    I do not want to see a pile of "I'm so sorry, I do that" posts in here. Frankly I don't want to hear it.. I want to see changes.

    Remember, it's not about you.

    Whitneys story and suzie q like this.
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  3. txmomof3

    txmomof3 Active Member

    It is Not All About Me!

    You are so right about this and I am definately guilty of over identifying and over caretaking. I have a difficult time taking off my healthcare provider hat (am a nurse...not currently working) and being just me. I joined this forum to help myself, get info on PTSD, and give others support when needed.

    From here on out, when I sign into this board I am simply "me with PTSD". I sincerely apologize if I have made things more difficult or offended anyone. That has not been my intention in any way...and I will take to heart the fact that it truly "is not all about me"
  4. tude

    tude Well-Known Member

    Good one Bec. I find that my life is simpler and more peaceful when I am able to take responsibilty for what's mine and no one else's. Or I mind my own business and not make something my business. Thamk you for the reminder, I needed to hear it.
  5. fin

    fin I'm a VIP

    I wanted to bring this forward, I have recently had a lot going on in the real world. I reached a point the other night where after having a bad time with something else and going over it and working it through I had become tired, more alone and very vulnerable. I had aplolgised for something within a thread twice in fact. The first time very genuinely and very sad for the way someone else was feeling. I had done nothing wrong, but wanted to explain that perhaps what I had tried to share did not help someone, and so because I felt this person was upset I did apologise. My apology there still stands.

    But a little while later I was on a downward spiral and could no longer see that I was not resonsible for everything bad happening in the world, very simple and painful in my reliving of it also, right flashedback to my childhood. I would like to thank Bec again, she did in actual fact point out that I needed to get a grip. And it was with this I was able to see very briefly I was going down. I am now still finding it very hard not to blame myself, after having been dragged through some crap earlier in the week. Having had I guess an up morning, I came home this afternoon in much physical discomfort-non pTSD related, and within hours I was right back down again. I am feeling it very hard now to get back up.

    But I have to say how very grateful I am again to this forum, and again to Bec who very bluntly got me to see I needed to look at this properly. I really hate being blindsided by it. This one particular flashback I have not had in a while and this one point in my life I guess maybe needs to be worked on some.

    I am caught at the moment in some kind of a holding pattern, and just wish I would either crash and could then start trying to get back. Or just get hold of myself somehow (and I have not figured out how yet) and get going back up somehow. I am wondering if maybe this relates to an incident in my childhood when injured I could not move properly. I remember being crouched down on the floor trying to protect my head and begging for forgiveness.

    The 2nd apology I had given was not in direct relation to this trauma and so I am wondering why I would start apologising because, it wasn't as if the thread had made me feel at all that it was my fault. So I am a little confused why this was coming out the way it did.


    This is a struggle for me today. And I wouldn't mind but it is almost like I am flashbacking on flashbacks also. As this also translates to one I can actually remember having when I was pregnant 20 years ago now.

    I am in bad difficulty at the moment. I also feel that I have done a lot recently, the thing is while I know I have to try to be kinder (this is something I say a lot to others) to myself. I am not able to really stop myself worrying about this at the moment. And I have tried big time this evening, I just cant switch down my fears on this tonight.
  6. 2quilt

    2quilt I'm a VIP

    Curl up with some of your fav music and food. Sleep well tonight. I hope you feel better tomorrow.
  7. midi

    midi Guest

    I remember talking to a deceased friend of mine a couple years about this type of thing. We both frequented LJ land and if somebody posted something about being pissed of because "somebody" did something, we'd be like, "I'm so sorry I upset you!" assuming that we were the cause.
  8. cragger65

    cragger65 I'm a VIP

    I can relate to all of this BIG TIME, it's me to a "T". You're not the first one to bring that reality to my attention lately. The nice part about it? It feels so good to let that sense of inflated responsibility go.

    Just bop me over the head if I start doing that again, would'ya? We all need reminders.
  9. fin

    fin I'm a VIP

    Craggers; I have had to take control of this myself Dave. While Bec reminded here, I was not able to do the same for someone else on this recently, although I tried. And you cant always just leave it up to someone else to do it for you.

    Craggers, we have to remember to keep ourselves in check. We can only hope our friends will remind us, but they can't always make us see what it is we do, or even be there to take that responsibility on themselves for us. We have to try to be aware of this ourselves. It is this responsibility to self I keep going on about, that even I myself had forgotten. Because we can't always get it from others, we need to step up our control of and for ourselves.

    Thankyou 2 quilt; I dont know if that suggestion was for me, but I took it on board as though it were for myself and tried to do exactly that. And am going back to do the same thing today, my physical body is just letting me down, and I am trying to be kinder to it. Thankyou for your kindness to me.

  10. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

    Don't forget that this takes time to learn. When your used to apologizing for everything, it will take time to learn how to weed out what you are and are not responsible for. It's a learning curve.

    Also don't suck yourself into perfection. Perfection = robot. Mistakes = human. We all make mistakes. :)

  11. fin

    fin I'm a VIP

    Oh God Bec, I wish I could know you in real life...this sometimes is just soo much to keep trying to work through. I can't thank enough that this forum exists and that you and others have written here and shared of yourself. Because I have found it just soo very hard on my own, for so very long, to just even try or keep trying to come against all of this pTSD all of my life, I was coming to the end of thinking I could ever survive it until I came here.

    and now....it is so much less painful now I have found you guys. I just cant find the words to really express what all this has meant to me. I feel overwhelmed with just something...I cant even identify it right now-at this moment in time.
    Just thankyou so much for not only writing and sharing before but that you even still are here and continue to show me and others there is a way...and how to find that way

    Some days are so much harder than others Bec
  12. TLight

    TLight I'm a VIP

    Right on the money Bec.

    I've quit saying I'm sorrry for the most part. I only have to be sorry if I've done something malicious and intended.

    If things, like miscommunication between people happens, I can say I regret that so and so happened...........but other than that, if I know I have nothing to be sorry for, I won't say 'sorry.'..........it only serves to keep me in that victim place.
    Whitneys story likes this.
  13. fin

    fin I'm a VIP

    Bec I felt this needed to come back again ... this particular your post here, Wow jus absolutely wow. I hope this gets through to anyone feeling anything somehow eventually too ~ I wonder

    I have to say I am a little cheesed off now asterisking all my posts etc. I feel I have a terrible gaul somehow but hey hoe-me.

    EXPOSURE THERAPY searching is painful and hard work esp when you are in super moderators files even when they are super please understand exposure therapy its painful folks and it can look real ugly sometimes are you going to run?
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