It's over...

FauxLiz

Sponsor
I have been expecting this since quarantine started, well actually before that but yeah at least the last three months. It wasn't that he was so adamant about not breaking quarantine because we were both essential workers it was that every time I reached out to talk or text he was "exhausted, beat, fell asleep early" but if I would go more than a couple of days without reaching out he would make an excuse during business hours to contact me about something tangentially connected to both our jobs. Like he didn't want to be ignored but he didn't want to talk to me either.

So with restriction being lifted on the quarantine where we live I thought okay, maybe, just maybe we will get a chance to see each other. First weekend he went to see his son and soon to be DIL, I get that, next weekend he has a house full of company from out of the area, but still doesn't have time to even talk to me. Okay I can see where this is going, last weekend he went to see his son again because they are buying a house and the inspection was last friday. I left him alone, didn't text nothing. I have gone for a walk on his hunting land on Sunday and sent him a couple of pictures because there were some pretty good sized branches that had come down across his trails and didn't get a response back, that was unusual so last night I texted and just asked if he make it back okay as I hadn't heard from him in awhile. His response was "Thanks Mommy", I was pissed and I told him so, that I was trying to be a good friend and that wouldn't happen again. He responded with wow, chill, it was a joke, didn't deserve a curse word. To which I didn't respond because well I was pissed,

I don't know if I am happy that it must have bothered him some because he never stays up past 10 and just after 1 am he texted me to tell me off that it was the second time that I had gone "apeshit" on him. No worries about being nice again because he is out.

I know what my T will say about this, because we have talked about the unhealthy dynamic of the relationship with his seeming to exhibit narcissistic behaviors and heaven knows my ill advised co-dependency issues begging for any bit of attention. It just hurts and is frustrating because it feeds the insecurity that I have had with this relationship from the beginning which was that as soon as I had helped him to achieve the projects and goals that he had that were interconnected with my job/employer that he would drop me like a hot potato because who was I fooling to think someone like him would ever really be interested in someone like me.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
That's sad. You deserve better. Find someone who actually respects you and is kind to you. Your worth so much more than the way he is treating you. Dump him and move on with your head held high that you've made a good decision for yourself and are happy about it. It just sounds like a one sided toxic relationship. Best wishes. S3.
 

Mee

MyPTSD Pro
It just hurts and is frustrating because it feeds the insecurity that I have had with this relationship from the beginning which was that as soon as I had helped him to achieve the projects and goals that he had that were interconnected with my job/employer that he would drop me like a hot potato because who was I fooling to think someone like him would ever really be interested in someone like me.

those feelings are really horrid, I’m so sorry you feel those. I bet loads of us can empathise. ?.

Does it help you to look at who ‘someone like him’ really is? Someone who is from the information you have provided- not considerate of you, not making you one of his priorities , not communicating well, possibly using you?

And who you have been? Someone who tried to give space, be understanding, prioritised his adult child’s needs.

Someone like you sounds like not the worst partner from the very Brief précis in your post.

There is no Elastoplast to make it better, I’m so sorry you are hurting .
 
I'm really very sorry @FauxLiz bc I had high hopes for this relationship & that you had finally met a decent sort of guy.

It just hurts and is frustrating because it feeds the insecurity that I have had with this relationship from the beginning which was that as soon as I had helped him to achieve the projects and goals that he had that were interconnected with my job/employer that he would drop me like a hot potato because who was I fooling to think someone like him would ever really be interested in someone like me.

^I can completely appreciate that this does hurt. A relationship breaking down well, it always painful, and if you're like me, a lot of looking inwards to find fault. A lot of disappointment at what might of been too?

And I can completely understand why you'd be concerned about him basically using you whilst there was a need job wise.

But it's a step too far kicking yourself in the guts as you near the end of this relationship.

You're a good person with many worthwhile attributes. Possibly, so has he?

Just because you both decide it's time to stop the relationship doesn't mean it must be your personality or even his personality at fault. It might just simply be that you're not suited to each other and that's all? I know T's like to pathologise everything but in the end that does that help? Maybe the relationship simply ran it's course as so many do?

Be kind to yourself as you emerge from it. Give yourself some space from him to help ease the pain?
 

FauxLiz

Sponsor
Thank you all, I know that I will get past this and I will stop hurting but it was the way he did it, "I'm Out", out of what? It was so childish and yet he was acting like I was be an out of control child.

Is it possible that things had run their course yes, but more likely that he never gave it a chance. When we he told me that he was "damaged" from losing his wife of 30 years to breast cancer and that he hadn't "dated" anyone since her death. I should have paid more attention to that and realized that he was in no way ready for any kind of friendship with a woman let alone a relationship.
 

Deanna

MyPTSD Pro
Sorry, it didn't work out. If someone called my mommy, that would be it for me, with the way he did it. I would just move on. I know that's not a popular answer but you did have him in a high horse before you ever went out with him. ( someone like him going out with me) I would just leave it alone and start a new venture with someone else. Someone that apprieciates you for being you.
 

FauxLiz

Sponsor
I hate my self for wanting to hear from him. I know I won't, not unless he wants something and this is the part of me that I hate. I hate that I wanted it to be more than it was when I knew from the beginning it never would be. I hate that I can't just accept that this is my life, there isn't anyone out there for me now or ever. I know I should think more positively, I should say this is just one more step towards healing but it doesn't feel like that, for that matter it has never
 
I know what you mean in respect to the cloud of negative thoughts that cluster over you right now @FauxLiz . They're so hard to push back especially in the face of rejection. Rejection is hard for everyone. I think it is the Achilles heel of humankind. You're not alone in feeling how you do.

So whilst you're dismantling everything good about yourself, be truthful & look at reality. There are many great things about you. Hard to go there right now? But completely necessary!

You're using this one man, his behaviour, his words to symbolise & sum up your worth. Please don't do that. He's not emotionally equipped or qualified or even allowed to do that to you.

I know it's difficult to resist allowing his rejection to mean a whole lot of things but that's dangerous.

And the things you are telling yourself are hateful, loathsome & not true.

You're repeating to yourself old, familiar thoughts. They may be comfortable because they're familiar but they're not true.

This is simply one man who may have had an agenda all of his own. We can only guess & so can you but it's clear that something else was going on with him. Maybe it is all surrounded in his grief for his deceased wife? Or, perhaps he wanted to use your position with your employer to smooth the way. Some people can be quite calculating to get what they want.

If he's ever compared you, you're relationship with him & you're character in any way, to this deceased wife of his, then yeah, I think it was bound to fail & he probably inadvertently set up the relationship to fail.

Nobody can stand up to comparison against someone he's a) never got over and b) he's Sainted & considered perfect & is now dead.

And if he's used you in respect to your employment well shame on him! That's on him, not you.

You have your own unique qualities just like everyone else. It would be a big mistake on your behalf to dig your own rabbit hole. Stay up here with the imperfect but alive!

There will be other people that come into your life. However if you're wearing a cloak of depression & self-loathing like the one you're making for yourself right now, people will be wary. Try to put it away at least for a few minutes here and there each day. Make the effort to not condemn yourself. Find two things that you love about yourself each day & immerse yourself in them.

It's a lonely walk when a relationship finishes. Remember though that you held your ground about what was acceptable and what was not. That's difficult but necessary.

I'm suggesting that if he rings wanting something that you be really careful about protecting yourself.

I think I know that what you receive back from him? A fleeting glimpse of kindness, interest & maybe even a hint at the resumption of the relationship? At least a pretence that it's not all over?

But don't go there. Work out a plan for what you will say & do should he contact you again & stick to it. Civil but distant??

Again, I'm sorry that it's finished. I understand your pain but just know it will not last forever.
 

bird_on_a_wire

MyPTSD Pro
Aw @FauxLiz , I am very sorry, you sound discouraged and sad and so very disappointed, and hard on yourself. :(

I think @blackemerald1 and @Deanna and the others are right, and you said yourself the cognitive distortions and such. But I think some of us- about anything- can find it hard when we need it, to remember what we need. And I hate to use the word- but we are fragile- so there it is. By that I mean, exposure, risk -it's just quite too much, sometimes to engage in. And to have self-compassion - that can be very difficult.

I think you are healing from what you said, because you went out of your comfort zone, did expose yourself to the unknown, expect healthy things for yourself, and recognize cognitive distortions. Being disappointed, means you know love has more depth or substance than that, and that he was capable of more. Seeing positive traits in others is not a fault.

I think, too, if you had felt his treatment and reactions and words were 'ok' , and it wasn't just love or understanding (which would need to come with time, and communication, and learning) to bridge it and repair, then it is a good sign you didn't. It's a sign you are looking for something more respectful, more caring, more understanding.

Far as why he reacted like that, it could be a million things, you don't have to choose the one that makes you the cause. Similarly with work, it may have been his only way to get the courage to ask you out, vs just using you. Anyone widowed after 30 years, may well feel his own sense of guilt or betrayal to his (deceased) wife, and not be able or ready to start a new relationship. Or have many reason for him to push away or self-sabotage. And, you know, the funny thing is, no one is really a 'catch', more they are a composite of all different traits, depth, thoughts, beliefs, fears and traumas.

Idk if this will help below, but it's something I saw that can just be listened to in the background if nothing else,:


Hugs to you. :hug:

ETA, I suppose it's as 'over' as you either or both choose it to be. If it's not worth working through for you both, or if you can't be in a place to see it through each other's eyes, or it's a red flag for more of the same or worse, or just simple incompatability, it's probably more the hope of what it could be, rather than what it actually is, that you are sad disengaging from.
 
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FauxLiz

Sponsor
You're using this one man, his behaviour, his words to symbolise & sum up your worth.
I wish it were just this one man but is has been every man I have ever had any possibility or hope for more than being an acquaintance has or told me I am fill in the blank with too fat, unattractive, needy, distant, broken, bitchy or generally any other negative demeaning descriptor
If there is no caring, the relationship will never be right.
I guess this was the problem from the start he was not looking for a “relationship” and I figured that was fine because I don't know how to care about anyone or have a relationship anyhow.
I suppose it's as 'over' as you either or both choose it to be. If it's not worth working through for you both, or if you can't be in a place to see it through each other's eyes,
the only thing that could possibly be salvaged is a distant friendship and then only if he apologized for overreacting the way he did to my expressing my frustration which he never will.
 
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