It's really hard for me to read the posts on this forum

There's just so much spiraling despair, anxiety, and vague information about traumas. I'm not saying the forum is bad, but I would really like to be able to read through such disturbing texts without reacting in a way that makes anyone angry at me. Someone either getting angry about something i say, or pointing out my flaws, seems to be the biggest phobia i have, just because i have such a consistent history of "being negative" and hating myself. I've made a lot of strides over the years in terms of being a functional adult and not relying on panicking and taking drugs in order to make it to the next day, yet the screen name i created was out of being aware that i am kinda weak and stupid. I find myself comparing myself to victims of "the worst traumas", and just hoping that one day i can write a book about how i've recovered from my pain and everything is okay...yet i somehow keep injuring myself and judging myself. I really do fear aging a lot more than death, just because i will keep being reminded of my past mistakes, failure to find a spouse or a community of friends and happy people, and an inevitably worsening healthy! It seems to be harder and harder to think "everything will be okay! Better days are around the corner!"

Sorry if this post bothers any of you, but here's a simple way to sum up my miserable emotions over the past few months. Now, to get off my computer so that i get some exercise...
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
far from being offensive, your post touches on one of my ongoing psychoweirds. my participation in live support groups and digital forums such as this one are specifically targeted toward helping me past that aspect of my social anxiety. i still manage to offend far more people than i like, but the folks in these places are, in general, far more forgiving than facebook disciples or church congregations. a significant number of the folks i offend within my therapy peer support networks suffer the same problems and are willing to collaborate with me on finding solutions.

i hope you can come to believe in your username. strong and smart people get sick, too. proof available. my self-esteem has healed far enough that some days i can even believe i, myself, am living proof and ready to testify. now if i can just get past that frigging performance anxiety. . . works in progress.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I'm not saying the forum is bad, but I would really like to be able to read through such disturbing texts without reacting in a way that makes anyone angry at me.
We all will upset someone at some point on these forums, mainly because we are all different people, all grappling with trauma. I have been upset with people on here, and then I will put a person or the thread on ignore. Because usually what upsets me is me being triggered and it's healthier for me to not engage. But that's ok!
So, essentially, it's ok if someone is unintentionally upset or angry by something you post, and that person can manage their response.
It will be impossible to try to never upset someone.

Say what you need to, express what you need to.
Unless you're being deliberately rude or argumentative (and following the rules of this forum), it's going to be ok?

Hope your exercise went well!
 

Georgianne12

Not Active
Your post is so true to me. I'm new here too and feel the same way. We are all supposed to be here to learn to be better or just be. In the few days I have been on here, I have gotten some good advice. But, I've read some traumas I wish I hadn't. Now those are in my head. I'm looking around me at everyone I see wondering if they need saved from some abusive situation.

Hopefully we can take what we need and avoid what we can't handle. I want to be strong for others as well. Take care, I hope we all find useful caring information here.

G
 
Your post is so true to me. I'm new here too and feel the same way. We are all supposed to be here to learn to be better or just be. In the few days I have been on here, I have gotten some good advice. But, I've read some traumas I wish I hadn't. Now those are in my head. I'm looking around me at everyone I see wondering if they need saved from some abusive situation.

Hopefully we can take what we need and avoid what we can't handle. I want to be strong for others as well. Take care, I hope we all find useful caring information here.

G

I've spent a lot of time watching documentaries about the really horrible things people do, trying to understand psychological motivations for something as strange and contradictory as sexual abuse...and yeah talking about trauma isn't easy, so we all need to basically try to be sympathetic until it gets too overwhelming, which i guess is where the self-control can be helpful. One rough topic for me are the "racial"/gender differences in how one experiences trauma, but then also understanding that there are a lot of similarities that cross those lines. I used to be a political activist but that involved trying fix things that i simply couldn't. You could say abusive situations are generalized, if you at it politically, but yeah each person is basically a different situation, and we can't all swoop in and save people who are going through something worse than we are. What a mess!
 

Agita Kaput

Policy Enforcement
Sponsor
There's just so much spiraling despair, anxiety, and vague information about traumas. I'm not saying the forum is bad, but I would really like to be able to read through such disturbing texts without reacting in a way that makes anyone angry at me. Someone either getting angry about something i say, or pointing out my flaws, seems to be the biggest phobia i have, just because i have such a consistent history of "being negative" and hating myself. I've made a lot of strides over the years in terms of being a functional adult and not relying on panicking and taking drugs in order to make it to the next day, yet the screen name i created was out of being aware that i am kinda weak and stupid. I find myself comparing myself to victims of "the worst traumas", and just hoping that one day i can write a book about how i've recovered from my pain and everything is okay...yet i somehow keep injuring myself and judging myself. I really do fear aging a lot more than death, just because i will keep being reminded of my past mistakes, failure to find a spouse or a community of friends and happy people, and an inevitably worsening healthy! It seems to be harder and harder to think "everything will be okay! Better days are around the corner!"

Sorry if this post bothers any of you, but here's a simple way to sum up my miserable emotions over the past few months. Now, to get off my computer so that i get some exercise...
If I was a better man, I could have written this post word for word. There is another human that feel a lotlike how you feel.
 
If I was a better man, I could have written this post word for word. There is another human that feel a lotlike how you feel.
Nah don't despair, i've read lot's of books and thought "man, i wish i had published this, because i knew it all along! So jealous!". I just try to be as honest as possible because then i don't have to feel as guilty about when i do, speaking of which i used to be more of a buddhist. It's that whole thing about "being blameless".
 

Agita Kaput

Policy Enforcement
Sponsor
Nah don't despair, i've read lot's of books and thought "man, i wish i had published this, because i knew it all along! So jealous!". I just try to be as honest as possible because then i don't have to feel as guilty about when i do, speaking of which i used to be more of a buddhist. It's that whole thing about "being blameless".
Perhaps I didn't communicate well. Im not trying to convey jealousy or despair but agreement and compliment the clarity of writing. (Also being better is somewhat funny in context)

OTOH: I am currently experiencing a massive emotional flashback so I may be "leaking" god knows what.

speaking of which i used to be more of a buddhist. It's that whole thing about "being blameless".
I forgot to Thank you for your kind words. This is something that happens to me regularly when My suffering gets intense, I I like to use all 4 strategies at once;

Fight; I berate myself, "are you still acting like this you weakling?" That is... Im too busy beating myself to be concerned with you.

Flight: I have no idea what the hell we're talking about. Now where did I put those sharp things?

Freeze;

Fawn: I cant see Who I'm supposed to be interacting with because my nose is pressed to the carpet in subjugation to Whoever happens to be there.

Now that I am effectively defended...sorry for not having Recognized you earlier!

(I don't know which defense mechanism humor falls under. It's probably fawn. "I'm going to disarm you and make you like me by Entertainment")

-//-
I remember the exhortation to be blameless in the New T,,,
"Jesus says we are to be perfect as the Father in heaven is perfect"
(That might be a tough sell around here if you think about it, but that's all on that.) Soooo....

Where do you find the bit about being blameless in Buddhism? (BTW: I've got no skin in the game. I like the calm demeanor in buddhist iconography... so fire away as you wish 😊)
 
I forgot to Thank you for your kind words. This is something that happens to me regularly when My suffering gets intense, I I like to use all 4 strategies at once;

Fight; I berate myself, "are you still acting like this you weakling?" That is... Im too busy beating myself to be concerned with you.

Flight: I have no idea what the hell we're talking about. Now where did I put those sharp things?

Freeze;

Fawn: I cant see Who I'm supposed to be interacting with because my nose is pressed to the carpet in subjugation to Whoever happens to be there.

Now that I am effectively defended...sorry for not having Recognized you earlier!

(I don't know which defense mechanism humor falls under. It's probably fawn. "I'm going to disarm you and make you like me by Entertainment")

-//-
I remember the exhortation to be blameless in the New T,,,
"Jesus says we are to be perfect as the Father in heaven is perfect"
(That might be a tough sell around here if you think about it, but that's all on that.) Soooo....

Where do you find the bit about being blameless in Buddhism? (BTW: I've got no skin in the game. I like the calm demeanor in buddhist iconography... so fire away as you wish 😊)
I actually don't remember where i read about being "blameless" as a buddhist ethic, some book.

But what i was saying is that since i try to be honest, then i don't have to feel as guilty as people who choose to live their life through excuses and justifications. Sometimes i do feel guilty though, there's lots of guilt people impose on themselves and others, and escaping this is rather difficult. To me, that's what trauma is all about. When my PTSD acts up, it's like i'm returning to those times in my childhood when i feel absolutely miserable, humiliated, stupid, ashamed...etc. It unfortunately is a disorder because there's this floodgate that i cross and the next couple of weeks, or sometimes an entire month, are basically ruined: i have trouble sleeping, i smoke cigarettes, i drink, sometimes i put other people down and yell at them (abuse), i lose my capacity to be in social settings. I've signed up for this forum to maybe make something positive of all this, or learn to be "cool" and likeable again. I've been having mental problems since elementary school and unfortunately i feel way behind the curb in terms of being about to feel comfortable with myself.
 

Renly

MyPTSD Pro
I think your post was very brave and insightful. I’ve found there are a lot of great people on this site who “get it”… and the connections I have made here have been immensely helpful in my healing journey (as well as just all the info). I see you being honest and straightforward in what you need as well as sharing your fears/anxieties in this post, which is an amazing thing. I realize this site may not be for everyone, but you are welcome here and if you decide to stay, I hope that this place can be a support that helps you find healing and growth in your own journey. And if not, that’s okay, too 💜
 

NoWhereKnowWhere

MyPTSD Pro
You’ll quickly pick up when you can and when you can’t handle what’s being posted. People take breaks sometimes for years! Then come back. It’s a great opportunity to use the “social” threads there’s a f*ck ton for a reason. Some days are hard but people still want to feel a part of the community or check in say hi without fear of being triggered.

Isn’t this the perfect opportunity to practice conflict! I’m not a close friend or anything just a nutter with an internet connection, you’re anonymous. Conflict is unavoidable we can be the Guinea pigs for exposure therapy. There’s plenty goes in here. A forum full of reactive ptsd sufferers some with anger issues *points at myself*. People get triggered and react. It’s inevitable.

You could post on twitter right now that you like vanilla ice cream and someone would have a problem with it.

On the other hand my most deep and meaningful change has come when someone cared enough about me to call me out. People in community wouldn’t bother if they thought I was a lost cause or a totally dick. It’s the greatest act of kindness I’ve ever received because someone saw in me I had potential just needed a little push. It’s sucked at the time but it was and continues to be my greatest lessons. None of us are born with complete knowledge. We learn make mistakes and grow.

I’m the same way Instagram isn’t “real” neither is here. It’s a very specific niche of the internet it’s not a true representation of the world. It’s a place people can finally break their silence and that’s fantastic but we’re all here because some pretty shit stuff has happened in our lives. So naturally it can get a bit much. Take breaks, be gentle with yourself.
 
Top