I've been in bed all week

[SeekingAfrica]

This is not good. I recognize that but I was hoping to spell it out might make it ... might make a change. I sleep, I eat, I watch. I've been up just to pay bills, get groceries, do mini exercise (some crunches or plank), or do dishes. I just need... distractions or resources or both.

I think I'm depressed or grieving or both. There have been indirect losses every month this year and we just began. First the last 4 months of last year were brutal for me, lost and gained jobs and income and laptop and I was not doing well. My best friend in person had a loss in January. In february I had friends I knew in the big earthquake in Turkey/Syria. This month a really close friend lost her mom, and when I used to visit her in university, her mom was always nice and kind to me, made sandwiches for the road when I was leaving and everything... And 2 friends are having operations. And of course since the fall there has been the inflation.
And now I'm so angry at the world all the time. Like I spend years working every resource and knowledge I have to get out of being too anxious to work. I worked and worked on myself and finally this summer I was so close! I was enjoying working IN person with people. I was making amount I would have been jealous from the previous years and now it barely scrapes the surface of what I need. And everyone is going through hardships and I worked so HARD to get there and I was so close I could taste it. I thought I was finally getting my shot at being normal independent human being and now I am so angry and so hurt.

It's like everyone I know is going through something and it's soul-crushing. I was so CLOSE to being me again. And there is just so much death and pain and loss and I'm just crushed. And so I've been getting up like normal and eating and watching a little and then it's evening and I've been horizontal the whole day. And it HURTS. I'm just so angry at the world and I know I have to be grateful. That I'm reasonably okay, not starving yet, not homeless, not having an operation. And I've been trying but it's not great. And tomorrow I have dance class and I feel ashamed. My face is breaking out from stress and I'm not at my greatest shape and I'm afraid everyone will somehow see or know. That I've been in bed all week and I DARE to show up to class like it's nothing, like I can afford to. Like I didn't lose a week of my life like it was nothing. I feel guilty and ashamed and angry and hurt. So much effort and for what? Now it's like what I've been working towards for years is 1/3rd of where I should be(financially, or in terms of effort I need to put to stay afloat) and BAD things just keep happening. And I'm just so OVER it. But I'm not ready to give up... yet I am where I am... And my hair and my skin and my home are reflecting that so well and I hate that...But I can't give up yet.

 

[Friday]

I was so CLOSE to being me again.

I did this in 2014, 2017, 2019, and again just this autumn.

I don’t even have words to describe how gutting it is.

But I can't give up yet.

Same.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I don’t even have words to describe how gutting it is.

I think that's the exact feeling. And I've been close only now and 1 other time, or at least, this close. You trying and being this close that many times... helps a tiny bit, so thank you for sharing.

I still feel how I feel and I can't if I'm going to try again, but... still, thank you. For saying that. You always feel you're the only one, even if you know you aren't. But you... if you've been on this forum long enough, then, you get it. You know ALL it has taken to get this far. And to not give up. And to keep trying. You KNOW. So thank you.

 

[rondd]

I am very sorry for your troubles. You seem to be extremely depressed? Are you seeing a therapist? Are you involved with a depression group? Are you taking anti-depressants? You have a lot of issues that you are dealing with, and you are totally overwhelmed. Sometimes life is just not fair and bad things can just come at us all at once. You are really beating yourself up! It is so important to not allow yourself to get into a negative rut or it will take you over. Are you keeping busy and surrounding yourself with family and friends? Resilient people do not allow their circumstances to define them. They continue to move forward and are guided by their principles and values. From your post, I can tell that you are a resilient person. Things are not going to be like this forever. It is extremely important to realize that we believe what we think whether it is true or not. If you constantly have self defeating thoughts, then you are going to start feeling that way. If this type of thinking occurs too long, it can take you over. It is so important to keep yourself busy and engaged in positive things. You mentioned about staying in bed for a week. You can't wait to get motivated to get busy. You have to get busy first and the motivation will come later. You need to get into a structured routine that keeps you moving first thing in the morning. I would also recommend journaling. This will be therapeutic to transfer your self-defeating thoughts from your mind to paper and it will give you some distance from these issues so that you can look at them more objectively. I would definitely look into meditation. It has done wonders me. I am recommending a book called The Power of Now by Eckert Tolle. It will help you to understand that we are slaves to our thinking and that there is more to life than just thinking about it. This is my morning routine:

No matter how I feel, I immediately jump out of bed
Shower and get dressed
Make bed
Orange juice, coffee, and toast on the patio
Journal on how I am feeling
Write down my goals for the day
Take a quick 2 mile run or walk
Meditate
Keep my ass busy for the rest of the day

Your morning sets the tone for the day, and this will let you know that you have some control over your depression. Keep your self-talk and thinking healthy. Love and like yourself every day regardless of your circumstances. I wish you joy, love and peace. No matter what, be kind to yourself. I hope this helps you.

 

[Paulina]

This is not good. I recognize that but I was hoping to spell it out might make it ... might make a change. I sleep, I eat, I watch. I've been up just to pay bills, get groceries, do mini exercise (some crunches or plank), or do dishes. I just need... distractions or resources or both.

I think I'm depressed or grieving or both. There have been indirect losses every month this year and we just began. First the last 4 months of last year were brutal for me, lost and gained jobs and income and laptop and I was not doing well. My best friend in person had a loss in January. In february I had friends I knew in the big earthquake in Turkey/Syria. This month a really close friend lost her mom, and when I used to visit her in university, her mom was always nice and kind to me, made sandwiches for the road when I was leaving and everything... And 2 friends are having operations. And of course since the fall there has been the inflation.
And now I'm so angry at the world all the time. Like I spend years working every resource and knowledge I have to get out of being too anxious to work. I worked and worked on myself and finally this summer I was so close! I was enjoying working IN person with people. I was making amount I would have been jealous from the previous years and now it barely scrapes the surface of what I need. And everyone is going through hardships and I worked so HARD to get there and I was so close I could taste it. I thought I was finally getting my shot at being normal independent human being and now I am so angry and so hurt.

It's like everyone I know is going through something and it's soul-crushing. I was so CLOSE to being me again. And there is just so much death and pain and loss and I'm just crushed. And so I've been getting up like normal and eating and watching a little and then it's evening and I've been horizontal the whole day. And it HURTS. I'm just so angry at the world and I know I have to be grateful. That I'm reasonably okay, not starving yet, not homeless, not having an operation. And I've been trying but it's not great. And tomorrow I have dance class and I feel ashamed. My face is breaking out from stress and I'm not at my greatest shape and I'm afraid everyone will somehow see or know. That I've been in bed all week and I DARE to show up to class like it's nothing, like I can afford to. Like I didn't lose a week of my life like it was nothing. I feel guilty and ashamed and angry and hurt. So much effort and for what? Now it's like what I've been working towards for years is 1/3rd of where I should be(financially, or in terms of effort I need to put to stay afloat) and BAD things just keep happening. And I'm just so OVER it. But I'm not ready to give up... yet I am where I am... And my hair and my skin and my home are reflecting that so well and I hate that...But I can't give up yet.

Go for the psychotherapy. but find someone good plus medication. that's my advice. keep shouting at these people because otherwise they wont help you.

 

[whiteraven]

I sleep, I eat, I watch. I've been up just to pay bills, get groceries, do mini exercise (some crunches or plank), or do dishes.

Oh, so much to say about this. I'm sooo sorry you are in this place. I get it. Completely. I don't stay in bed and sleep (I can't sleep at all during the day). But, I do--for LONG periods--take up residence on the couch and do nothing but watch TV. I get up for the bathroom and meals only. I often have a sink full of dishes for weeks (because I hate doing dishes).

And now I'm so angry at the world all the time.

Oh, yes. Me, too. I've been that way a long time.

I was making amount I would have been jealous from the previous years and now it barely scrapes the surface of what I need. And everyone is going through hardships and I worked so HARD to get there and I was so close I could taste it. I thought I was finally getting my shot at being normal independent human being and now I am so angry and so hurt.

I'm sorry! The only thing that helps me through this is knowing that *everything*--literally everything--is impermanent. It's temporary. So, I try to live for right now because even if things are great now, they could seriously suck tomorrow. Of course, it's hard to do this (or for the knowledge to make you feel any better) when you have to put food on the table. Everything feels so unfair!

And there is just so much death and pain and loss and I'm just crushed.

I had a year--2008 when I lost 15 family members and friends. I had to allow myself a lot of time to grieve, which for me often looks like...you got it. Lying on the couch and doing nothing. I felt bad about it initially, but eventually got to the point where I came to realize I was just moving through life, as it presented itself, and there was nothing else I could do.

I'm just so angry at the world and I know I have to be grateful.

Hm...I know that other people *think* we should be grateful, but making comparisons really just makes it harder to get by day-to-day. I think we can show our gratitude by staying alive and just continue to try.

I feel guilty and ashamed and angry and hurt. So much effort and for what?

Yes. I cannot get past the "why bother" or "what is this all for if it's just going to go to shit (or I'm just gonna die in the end)?" Don't have any helpful advice on that one.

I don’t even have words to describe how gutting it is.

Sometimes I wish we could offload this feeling onto others who don't get it--just for a bit, so they had a true sense of what it's like to live like this every day.