I've gone from having an "ignore you, don't care about you" boyfriend to "I want to cling to you 24/7" boyfriend. The big 180 degree turn.

[keystonegirl]

I had a relationship with someone who really wasn't invested in it working. I, however, was. Having come to the conclusion that it was irretrievably broken I made myself a promise that I wouldn't put myself in that situation again. It caused me untold issues not only with my general mental health but with my ptsd as well. I waited some time before I decided to return to the dating pool. And all I did was dip my toe in. But then I met someone who seemed to be all the things the other boyfriend wasn't. Polar opposite. Or so I thought. His attributes are all positive.......at first. As time wore on, they started to subtly change. He became clingy and demanding to know everything I was doing under the pretense of "watching out for me and taking care of me". I don't need a babysitter. And I don't need someone who gets angry if I don't tell them everything.I'm tired of having my ptsd activated and then I'm the one who has to deal with it all. Why do I keep striking out? What is wrong with me? It's not like I look for these types of guys or am I subconsciously doing this to myself? Trying to discover if it's me or them is driving me nuts. I'm ready to quit dating. It's just not worth the aggravation and turmoil in my life. Positive comments and advice appreciated.

 

[Friday]

It's not like I look for these types of guys or am I subconsciously doing this to myself?

What IS your type? Or your favourite types?

 

[Sam]

No advice, just be kind to yourself so you don’t end up with shitty self esteem.

 

[lpotts2008]

It's not you, It's what you've been through and the results of the trauma that has developed the diagnosis of PTSD. You aren't the one doing the picking; It's your PTSD that's doing the picking of the same type men. Your PTSD affects how you view people and things that you're familiar with.

MY ADVICE! Don't give up on Love and definitely don't give up on yourself. Start your healing Journey process with counseling or look up PTSD Anynomous for more PTSD support.

You'll start selecting healthier men when you become healthier in understanding how your PTSD affects you in relationships.

NEVER GIVE UP!

 

[BrettA343]

I had a relationship with someone who really wasn't invested in it working. I, however, was. ... And all I did was dip my toe in. But then I met someone who seemed to be all the things the other boyfriend wasn't. Polar opposite. Or so I thought. His attributes are all positive.......at first. As time wore on, they started to subtly change. He became clingy and demanding to know everything I was doing under the pretense of "watching out for me and taking care of me". I don't need a babysitter. And I don't need someone who gets angry if I don't tell them everything.

Well I'm new here and I'm missing what specifically you're looking for. Is it fair to say that: 1. You want a relationship (but are close to leaving that goal behind out of frustration after two 'duds'). 2. You want a relationship with someone who isn't a dud (as we all can likely agree with) that isn't reminiscent of either the 2 duds or a million other duds with a million other ways of being a dud. 3. Is it fair to say that you want a live-in bf and all that usually comes with that? FWB, etc. 4. Or do you specifically want NOT to co-habit with a partner at this time (maybe later)? BTW, how old are you?

The first thing that comes to mind is that only two tries is hardly a fair sample to break off further searching, unless you're ready to go it alone without more searching. Indeed, I'd suggest that you'd be lucky as hell to come up with a good partner after trying only 2 people.

I don't know of a sure-fired way of getting what you want but I have 3 suggestions: a) If possible, do more research via email or discussion groups, and ask lots of questions covering your dislikes, likes and more. b) Be up front with the issues you've had with the duds, and provide as much detail as possible with these new contacts. c) Have you tried the current match services like eHarmony and others?

I'm not entirely comfortable with the post here, but I hope it helps :-)! Cheers, Brett.

 

[EveHarrington]

I am not going to date for now because relationships are such a drain and I don’t get much out of them. I’m tired of the demands on my looks, my behavior, etc. I cannot handle the inherent power imbalance of dating a guy so that is that.

 

[BrettA343]

OK... But I'd say that relationships are not always a drain (YMMV) and if you had a good definition of what you're looking for, it could work. Not that I'm trying to force this on you, but you've changed your focus here:
A day ago it was: "I'm ready to quit dating"...
And now it is: "I am not going to date for now"... a little stronger, more immediate and action oriented (or lack thereof).

Plus, your: "Positive comments and advice appreciated. " of a day ago made me think your mind wasn't made up yet.

Anyway, I'll follow your thread and see if I can come up with more appropriate advice. Good luck, Eve!

 

[keystonegirl]

What IS your type? Or your favourite types?

My type is someone who is communicating, trustworthy, shows compassion for others, is willing to volunteer for causes, shows affection, understanding especially about ptsd, has a sense of humor, and has a willingness to learn new things. I'm sure there are other attributes I could add but at the moment I can't think of any. My problem is that I tend to think it's my fault that I pick the wrong guys. I'm constantly re-examining my past relationships to see if I can discover exactly how I felt in deciding to be with this person. Sometimes I literally drive myself to distraction with these introspections. I'm beginning to think that maybe I tend to sabotage myself so I don't have to deal with a relationship. Just some random thoughts that pop into my mind occasionally

Well I'm new here and I'm missing what specifically you're looking for. Is it fair to say that: 1. You want a relationship (but are close to leaving that goal behind out of frustration after two 'duds'). 2. You want a relationship with someone who isn't a dud (as we all can likely agree with) that isn't reminiscent of either the 2 duds or a million other duds with a million other ways of being a dud. 3. Is it fair to say that you want a live-in bf and all that usually comes with that? FWB, etc. 4. Or do you specifically want NOT to co-habit with a partner at this time (maybe later)? BTW, how old are you?

The first thing that comes to mind is that only two tries is hardly a fair sample to break off further searching, unless you're ready to go it alone without more searching. Indeed, I'd suggest that you'd be lucky as hell to come up with a good partner after trying only 2 people.

I don't know of a sure-fired way of getting what you want but I have 3 suggestions: a) If possible, do more research via email or discussion groups, and ask lots of questions covering your dislikes, likes and more. b) Be up front with the issues you've had with the duds, and provide as much detail as possible with these new contacts. c) Have you tried the current match services like eHarmony and others?

I'm not entirely comfortable with the post here, but I hope it helps :-)! Cheers, Brett.

I apologize for the fact that I didn't give complete information in this thread. I've had relationships with other guys who weren't so bad and had acceptable faults as well as qualities I admired and vice a versa. Some people tend to think I may have set the bar too high in my dating relationships. It's not that at all. I just want to be happy like everyone else in the world. And to that end, sometimes you need to be with someone to understand exactly what it is you're looking for. There is no timeline for finding the one that completely clicks with you. And having depression as well as anxiety along with the ptsd makes it even more challenging. I'm not a young girl just starting out in the dating world; I've been dating for quite some time now. It's just gets frustrating when you think you've found "the one" when in fact it couldn't be further from the truth. I hope this clarifies any misconceptions I may have omitted in my previous post.

 

[keystonegirl]

I am not going to date for now because relationships are such a drain and I don’t get much out of them. I’m tired of the demands on my looks, my behavior, etc. I cannot handle the inherent power imbalance of dating a guy so that is that.

Eve, I completely understand where you are coming from. I sometimes feel a little put out by past boyfriends who felt I should be the one who does everything in the relationship, constantly must look good, and comport myself according to what they think is proper. Those relationships lasted just a second in the grand scheme of life. And it does become tiring after a while, so taking a break is a healthy thing to do for yourself.

No advice, just be kind to yourself so you don’t end up with shitty self esteem.

Short and sweet. Just the way I sometimes need to hear it. Thanx for reminding me of keeping myself as well as my self-esteem intact as I traverse the landscape of dating and relationships.

It's not you, It's what you've been through and the results of the trauma that has developed the diagnosis of PTSD. You aren't the one doing the picking; It's your PTSD that's doing the picking of the same type men. Your PTSD affects how you view people and things that you're familiar with.

MY ADVICE! Don't give up on Love and definitely don't give up on yourself. Start your healing Journey process with counseling or look up PTSD Anynomous for more PTSD support.

You'll start selecting healthier men when you become healthier in understanding how your PTSD affects you in relationships.

NEVER GIVE UP!

Thank you so much for your positivity and uplifting message! I never thought to view it that way. And I didn't know there were PTSD Anonymous meetings out there. I will never give up on myself and thanx again for such a wonderful message!