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I've Left My Husband Again - What Do I Do Now?

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by Maenad, Jun 8, 2007.

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  1. Maenad

    Maenad Member

    My partner just flipped out at me in a really scary way. I was actually indicating to him that I wanted him to hit me so it would be over and done with. I could call the cops and they would haul his ass away. He didn't hit me though. He just yelled as loud as he could just a centimeter away from my face about beating me up just like he's been beaten up by his family his whole life. Then he walked away and I went to comfort our 3 year old until he went back to sleep. Meanwhile it sounded like my partner was making himself a coffee. Like, WTF???

    Then I grabbed my laptop, my coat and a pair of shoes and sneaked out to my friend's house and that's where I am now. Luckily she has insomnia too so she was still awake at 3am when I turned up as a blubbering mess on her doorstep. :crybaby:

    As I was telling her about what happened I realised that this goading somebody to hit me is not me. I have always been far too scared to do something like that. It's him! He's the one who does that kind of thing! The last few days I've been turning into him. That's what the big fight was about really. He was yelling at me for not being there for him enough. Hell, whoever "I" am hasn't been here for me either!

    What's brought this about is the fact that his father and grandmother, the source of all his pain and trouble in life, are in Melbourne and wanting to see him and our son. Well he saw his Dad on Wednesday but tomorrow we're supposed to go to lunch somewhere we've never been and play happy families with people who, as I understand it, have tried to kill him!

    Are we f*cking crazy??? There's no way that can work. And yet I really didn't let it surface consciously but I did make a half-assed attempt to weasle out of going. That is what really upset him but he didn't say much at the time since I took it back instantly.

    I don't think I can do this. I don't think I have the strength to go much further. I don't know what to do from here and I am worried about our little boy and how this impacts on him.

    I'm going to call my mother in a few hours, when the sun's up and see if she can help me.
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  3. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member


    So he flipped out on you after you tried to goad him into hitting you? Or was he already flipping out?

    See, you know what is triggering him right now. His abusers are in his life, demanding that they see him. However it's not that cut and dried when your abusers are family. It's very difficult to completly cut ties with family.That is a lot of stress to deal with. And from what I've gathered from what you've written, you are not supporting his attempts to peacefully visit with his abusers. It's very important that you support his decisions concerning his family. Adding extra stress by refusing to support him, sabatoging the visits or constant complaining about not understanding it will only cause your hubby to go over the edge. (not saying you are doing these things, just examples for you to self-explore.) My point is, it sounds like your husband has a valid point about not being there for him on this. Pushing him in a fight is not good.

    Is he still attending therapy? How is that going? Are you on board with that and being honest about your actions, feelings and desires?

    Have more thoughts about your son and being in the middle of this.. but my brain is too scattered and I have too many questions running through my head.

  4. Maenad

    Maenad Member

    It has been very stressful for him the last week or two because he's now at the point with therepy where Centrelink want him to jump through hoops to prove that he's agoraphobic and all the rest of it.

    Look I understand what he's going through. I've always wanted him to do therepy. I want to be there for him. But the last week I haven't been myself. I don't think of much else but this situation with his family to the point where I could not finish my assignments for a subject that I absolutely love. Now I've failed that subject even though I put huge amounts of work into it.

    I have stopped being me and have become an extension of him. I'm too involved and have identified too closely with him. Should I really be honest with him about feelings that aren't even mine? I know this sounds like I'm avoiding responsibility but I know from previous relationships and from my own therepy that this is a very real problem for me. I think it's called enmeshment, and it's a dangerous position to be in when the person you're enmeshed with has a lot of internal conflict... especially the sort of conflict that leads him to want to attack/hurt himself. See what I'm getting at?

    I don't think he should see his father and grandmother today. Before Wednesday he hadnt seen his Dad for 12 years and barely spoke to him on the phone. He even lied that he had cancer to get H. to see him in the first place! H. owes him nothing.
  5. Cole

    Cole Active Member

    although you do not want him to see his father; that is not your decision to make. He may need to do this and as his partner you need to support this. I have found picking which battles to take on a fine line. In respect to seeing the people that have hurt him the most maybe it is closure to see that they will never change and only he can. You can not control others actions, words, thoughts or feelings; only your own. You most definitely need to take care of yourself and your child so that you are able to support him. Keeping your mental and emotional state strong( that even means therapy for you too specifically for this) is imperative to being a carer. "Are you doing more good than harm" is the first question that I ask myself when I am facing a situation with my friend. It can be time consuming and sometimes draining but what you are going through dealing with this is nothing compared to what they deal with ever second of every day. I'm sure you know when his stress and anxiety high this is at high level this is not the time to pick the battle as it will only result in the situation you are in now. It would be like beating a dead horse; No point in it and sensless. What you need to do is stay low and be supportive. When things are in a less stressful state then kindly test the waters to see if you can discuss the situation. If he is willing to talk then proceed( talk about your feelings and how you see the situation affecting him BUT make this talk about him and your perspective of what he is going through not about you; this is what your therapist is for.) This has always worked for me. If you are looking for a reason to leave him; stop making excuses, you knew what you were getting into. Suck it up or leave. You are not making things any better by trying to send him over the edge. I've been dealing with this for over 15 years. Today is no better than then but tomorrow could be a good day. That is what I look forword to the good days where we can just be friends not a support but that is what needs to be done to get the good days. You have to willing to take the good, bad and the down right ugly. That is a decision only you can make.
  6. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    Maenad, I'm sorry about what has been happening with you both... and trust me, he is hurting also. I must agree with cole though, in thats its not your decision to make whether he see's his parents or not, for those exact reasons above, it may actually prove more therpeudic for him, or maybe he has to face them for his own resolve!!!

    What is your decision is you. You must take care of you, and do nothing more than support your partner, not try and solve his issues for him. It is pretty easy to ascertain that such a visit would cause him such distress, though that does not give him the right to abuse you because of the way it is making him feel. That is his part of the problem, one which he must learn to acknowledge, cease with, and apologize if he does it and review his actions to learn from them, just as we all have too in life, more so with PTSD.

    I would take care of you though and your child, and try and do nothing more than hold his hand and let him know your their for him, yet he also at the same time is not allowed to abuse you though, regardless the situation, you are not his doormat.
  7. Maenad

    Maenad Member

    Yeah I'm well aware of the codependency stuff about not making other people's decisions. It's all easier said than done but I've been practicing and I refuse to do as much for him as he would like. It's the verbal and emotional abuse that seems to come out of nowhere that upsets me the most. That fight I was talking about was unusual in that I've never been like that in an arguement/fight with _anyone_ before. I seem to have passed some point emotionally though and I don't know if I will go back again because really, it was fear that kept me from retaliating in a physical way. I've told other girlfriends the things he says to me and when they get over the shock they say that they'd probably hit him too.

    Seriously, he's a ****ing bitch. He is seriously trying to hurt me as much as he can with words. If he hit me I could get the cops to drag his ass away but as it is, here I am couch-surfing, refugee from a supposedly "safe" home. Clever eh?

    The difference between his usual personality and who he is when he's in a rage is like night and day, like 2 completely different people and I really and truly HATE that "evil twin" guy. But I also love the other guy, the one I've chosen to be with. I don't choose to be with his evil twin though.

    So now he's blaming me for (in his words) painting him into a corner, basically forcing him to take pills and go to a shrink. Now that makes **** all sense to me.
  8. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

    I do so relate to what you're saying here Maenad. Both my son and my niece have displayed these double personalities, a Jekyl and Hyde if you will. It is very shocking to see at first, however you must establish boundaries to protect yourself and other family members. In our niece's case, she came to realize eventually that what she was doing was not only abusive, but in fact she did have a fair bit of control over it! She is now vastly improved in that department. I believe you are doing the right thing by distancing yourself from the evil twin portion of your man. Hopefully it pays off for you in the long run. Remember to take care of yourself.
  9. ryair

    ryair Active Member

    I am not sure if this would be helpful, but here goes......
    Take a step back and BREATHE,
    When you are calm, remember.....
    the behaviour is NOT the person.
    Ask yourself WHY he is acting/reacting this way?
    Both he and "the Twin" are one and the same. One is just scared, or confused or hurting, and doesnt know how to deal with the situation.
    Sometimes it helps to take yourself out of the equasion and take another look at the situation and ask "WHY?".
    Best of luck xxxxxxxxxxx:smile:
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