Jealousy without feelings

Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
Hi all! I’ve been posting recently about a crush I had, I hadn’t met them in person yet and I did recently. When I did, it felt like a friendship. I didn’t have those feelings I had from a distance. I think it was probably mostly a “favorite person” BPD thing, which I haven’t done in years. We talked about that actually and they’ve been so supportive, and our friendship is even better. They’re just an awesome person and I’m happy they’re in my life. We’ll be roommates sometime soon as well.

However, I’m very confused. When I’m healthy mentally and “wise minded” I see them as a friend. I don’t have feelings (and honestly don’t know if I’m capable of having romantic feelings for someone, considering they’re everything I thought I wanted in a partner but I still don’t feel that way, which I’ve been judging myself for tremendously). But when I’m triggered and in a bad mental state, I get really jealous and possessive. I’m not acting out on these feelings, because I know they’re not “me” but a product of trauma.

They’re talking to someone/going on a date soon and when I’m normal minded, I’m happy for them. But when I’m feeling “BPDesque”, I’m jealous. I don’t know how I can be jealous and also happy. I’m thinking maybe I’m jealous they may have found someone, and the crush I thought I had wasn’t real when in person. I feel broken that I still haven’t felt feelings other than BPD favorite person stuff for someone and I’m 23. I just want to figure it all out so I can know myself better and help myself. Thank you!
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Sorry you are struggling.
It what you write shows how much insight you have about yourself. Do you know that? You can say when you're feeling things, the difference in feelings depending what is happening for you. So much clarity in your writing.
So maybe (and it's so incredibly easy to write these words and acting on them is totally different!) be kind to yourself and give yourself time?

It's perfect understandable that you have these jealousy feelings. For all the reasons you've written. They will pass, as all feelings do (I always forget this when I'm in the middle of an intense feeling and I have to be reminded about it).
The jealousy might lessen for all sorts of reasons. You giving more compassion and time to yourself. You having something else happening that takes your mind away from it.

I think there is a lot of social pressure to be in a relationship. Do you feel that?
You will go on dates. It's good you're not just going on dates with anyone, and that you are finding connections. That sounds healthy and positive.
So, give yourself time. And remind yourself of positive things. You're 23. You have a lifetime ahead of you of positivity and possibility.

And: you never know what exciting possibility is just around the corner....
 

Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you @Movingforward10. I think it’s because they may have found someone, and I still haven’t. But you’re right, it’s just around the corner. I’ve found asking them about this new date has been helpful at alleviating jealousy. I do feel pressure to date, but I really just want to know myself better first. There’s so much I still don’t know about myself. I think I’ll work on that while I’m in quarantine after this traveling!
 

Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
I've felt so many emotions I emotionally numbed and went totally dead. Like, felt nothing except slight irritation. I just sort of "opened the dam" and I feel almost heartbroken, like it's not like a breakup but it's like I wasn't their favorite person, too. like that seems so irrational, but it hurts. And I had a fantasy built in my head, that wasn't even real. I have to grieve it. and I still feel like, if someone can't love me romantically I am not good enough. I struggle so much with loving myself. it's so difficult. I don't want to.

And I don't even want to date, either. I don't feel those sort of feelings, I don't think, unless they're unhealthy. And I don't know how to fix that, so I shouldn't date anyone.
 
Top