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General Just a Note of Thanks

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Hi Kim's Man,
Thanks for the words. Hope things are going well for you.

I don't think I could try the big hug idea only because his episodes are not physical (thank God). He gets just very emotionally abusive. Knowingly saying things that hurt me deeply and then following up with (in the end) ..."you know I was just kidding". Okay. What am I supposed to do with that piece of information??? I do want to add that when he is not having these episodes, he is a kind and good hearted man...gentle. We have alot of stress right now which I think is what caused these difficulties this time. We are going through the third move in a year. I'm not talking small moves..Midwest to Hawaii to CA and back to the Midwest. Of course, financially it has wiped us both out. Because the moves are based on his decisions about his job, maybe he is feeling a sense of guilt over the financial stuff????

I don't know sometimes. I just need to get to the point where his words do not cut me like a knife. Kerrie-Ann talks of kicking boots which helps. Any other suggestions regarding not letting those words destoy my insides???? I refuse to be destroyed again!!!

Sorry...venting.

We'll be moving in three weeks back towards family.
 
Kim's Man, Kerrie-Ann, Anthony, Anyone,

I meant to talk about his apathy...I see it right now especially. His words cut me but he doesn't care...he knows it...he just doesn't feel anything..no remorse...no emotion...And I am the opposite...I feel everything until it consumes me. Yikes. What do I do with his apathy??? Anthony, can you decribe that lack of emotion?? Help.
 
Desert4now

Hi Desert,

A couple of things: First of all, never apologize for venting. That's what this place is all about. It gives ussomewhere to yell and scream :cussing: To throw up our hands when we don't know :dontknow: And to find out that there are others that are going through the exact same thing that we are which means we're not going crazy after all! :thumbs-up

I know that when Kim says things to hurt me, she says afterwards that she is trying to make me hurt the same way she is. It's not something that she tries to do any other time but during one of her blow-ups. And it's something she apologized for afterwards. I don't know how I could handle it if after her outburst, she didn't feel remorse for what she had said (or done). I would think that his depression is such that he really doesn't care what's going on. I hope Anthony is able to help you with some understanding. Also, have you looked around for a support group? I know you're moving soon, but there may be a few folks you could chat with, face-to-face, until the big move.

Keep your chin up, and remember that you are not the cause of his depression and hurtful words. There is so much going on inside him, and inside everyone suffering from PTSD, that those of us who do not have it may never know what it's all about. Just remember there are folks around that will listen to you vent and rant, and anything else you need to do to make it through this.

Good luck, Warren
 
desert4now said:
Anthony, can you decribe that lack of emotion??

Well, firstly you have the sheer emotional difference between males and females, being males generally show little emotion to begin with. When you compare a male and a female with PTSD, the female will still generally have her emotions intact, maybe not completely, but generally far better than a male will.

Secondly, PTSD invokes fight or flight, thus our bodies are in a constant state of readiness to act, thus to act clearly, our mind removes our emotional capability, or suppresses it to be more precise. We still have emotions, we have just buried them to help ourselves survive and cope with the world around us. It is human nature that the strong survive, thus we tend to process this as the aggressive, or the fearless, all of which have little scope for emotions to clutter the thought patterns.

Remove the anger and aggressiveness, and we allow ourselves to become vunerable. Generally, vunerability is a sign of weakness, though we know that isn't always true, however; each individual will process this differently, thus some will show emotions, and allow themselves to be vunerable with PTSD, others will remove their emotion to grow strong, aggressive and fearless.

Are we wrong to become this way? Well... yes, I believe so, however it is not something we cognitively absorb or realise at the point when PTSD is taking over our mind and body. PTSD doesn't just popup, it stems and grows upon a person, to a point where you no longer recognise yourself. At this point, it become more difficult to break the chain, break the cycle, and allow ourselves to become vunerable again, and trust those around us with that vunerability we expose, hence we keep it hidden, locked up, which is an emotional state of numbness basically.

The chain can be broken, it is hard, but achievable. First you start with the anger issues, through identifying emotions again, which are what produce anger. When you can identify emotions again, you can begin to feel them, instead of allowing them to create anger. When you begin to feel again, you allow yourself to become vunerable, though we tend to only allow this to someone we trust with out lives, not just everybody.

Fight or flight is something that will stay with a sufferer their entire life, though it can just be made a better to work with emotions around those we trust, generally our spouses. I have exactly what you are describing and having difficulty with your partner, and it is something I am still working on myself.

For some reason we tend to be capable of showing emotion around children, because children don't go out to hurt you, so we immediately feel at ease with them, and allow ourselves to be vunerable to them, because we know they don't have the capacity to be spiteful, or hurtful towards us that could deeply affect us. Adults however do understand this, and do attempt to do it to one another, so we tend to tighten up with adults, yet be vunerable with children.

It becomes very much a trust issue I think at the end of the day, and when PTSD is uncontrolled, we often trust nobody completely apart from ourselves. This is totally wrong to do, but it occurs as PTSD takes control of us.
 
desert4now,

I understand exactly where you are coming from with regard to the lack of emotion. Anthony does still struggle with that and therefore so do I. He is right when he says that he can show emotions to children because he is fantastic with our little one. I would be telling a lie if I said it doesn't hurt and upset me often. Sometimes I have even walked out of the room in tears, not out of jealousy but more disbelief that he can express such clear love for our little one and has probably done so with me twice.

In the early stages, before he got treatment and even at the beginning he would shut me out to the point of not speaking to me, about anything, for a week or two. Depending how he felt at the time. It was very hurtful and confusing because I just could not see how you can conduct a relationship without communication. I still don't. It is still difficult, although better than it used to be. I am stunned sometimes by his obvious lack of emotion to a situation that most people with reasonably available emotions would react to. One recent example is the cat landing on my stomach. I am pregnant and was around 20 weeks at the time, the female cat landed on my stomach early in the day and I couldn't feel baby move for most of the day. This baby is quite active and so you can imagine my distress. Barely a word from Anthony and one hug, under duress. A situation that I found distressing was made more so by Anthony's obvious lack of emotion.

Anthony has described it from his perspective, although I don't necessarily agree that possible vulnerability cuts the mustard with me. So, what you become vulnerable? So does the rest of the known universe when you enter a relationship. I was going to say that I imagine PTSD makes it hard to express emotions but I have seen this first hand with Anthony.

Desert4now, this is one area that I cannot advise you on. I haven't yet nutted it out with Anthony, it still confuses and hurts me. All I can do is provide you with an internet shoulder as I know exactly where you are coming from. I too feel everything and have been previously accused (from Anthony) of being 'too emotional' and 'too needy'. As if....... you wouldn't be in a relationship with someone with PTSD if you really were like this. To Anthony's credit he has made some headway with this but I believe we have a long way to go before we can really communicate on a deeper level and before he trusts me with his emotions. If I could pick one area of our relationship to improve this would be it. It really impacts on the intimacy of our relationship and I often feel 'alone' although I am married. Don't know that this will help much but at least you know that you are not alone.
 
Hey Kerrie-Ann,

Thank you. I'm having a problem getting this to post. I've posted a reply twice withoutit actually posting. Hmm. Not sure what's up.
 
Thank you Kerrie-Ann for your internet shoulder. Mine is here for you and all who need it. It is the best help for me short of a miracle.

I have experienced disbelief in my husbands words also. Makes my head spin around sometimes because the words are like knives. The bad thing is that he often doesn't remember what he says. My heart went out to you regarding the cat jumping on you during your pregnancy. I sure hope all is okay with you & babe and nothing has happened as a result.

Things have turned better today after a little chat we had the other night. I really didn't even have to put kicking boots on (maybe kicking slippers). I know this is only a reprieve but I'll take it. It's nice to relax a bit.

Hope you are well and things are going as smooth as can be. Thanks again friend.
 
That is great news D4N... glad to hear it. Hopefully you might even get him on here and have a chat with us all.
 
desert4now,

good that all you needed was kicking slippers but keep the boots in reserve. They really do need it sometimes. I am glad that there is a lull in the battle for you. It is nice to be able to take a deep breath and relax. It does get better with time and not as often now I am walking on eggshells. Improvement comes, like everything, with a price and a lot of hard work. Its good to talk to you. Take care, chat soon.
 
All,
Things are still going well. I try not to wait for the "other shoe to drop". I'm trying to suck up all the good and not worry about "what if".
Thanks all.
 
That is a good positive direction D4N, "not worry about what if!"

You will still have arguments and normal marriage issues, but you can do it without the PTSD influence, or very little influence if your BOTH willing to try. Well done... as you can see, both efforts are being rewarded.
 
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